To begin with, I am writing this in response to the present urgings of God that make little or no sense to me at all. About 12 years ago, I fell on my face in the midst of a prayer that seemed to not belong entirely to me. I woke to the feeling of being deeply loved, with a sense of completion that had existed no where else at any time of my life.
Lying on the floor, I opened my eyes in blissful peace, to a rude and unsolicited thought as a response to this generous gift from God: "I am NOT going to become a nun!" What followed from there was a long litany of excuses why such a request would be impossible. I certainly did not "hear" God say "I want you to be a nun." I did seem to realize that I had been marked, claimed, taken...and there was no going back from the experience. It was the most perfect moment of my life...a perfect moment given to a very imperfect person.
As I regained a more normal level of consciousness, I began with to list all of my excuses. For what I truly felt had happened was that I had quite unexpectedly 'married' God...and just exactly what can you do after you've already said "I do?" Sounds like the beginning of a joke song: you get up one morning, after a little too much to drink, and you find out you are married. Lots of movies share that plot.
It's another thing entirely to have it really happen to you.
So I told God I was certainly not nun material. I can't do the obedience thing. I'm way too carnal, too human, too hungry. I don't want to give up my toys, my friends, the pennies I have in the bank. I don't want to be told what to do,where to go, and I sure as hell don't want to wear wool!
While I may have somehow submitted to God, I certainly was not going to submit to another human being! I was definitely not going to be a nun!
And I think I heard God laughing...
No comments:
Post a Comment