I was surprised
when I realized
that I can close my eyes
and work my way back
day by day
to the beginning of March
before the beginning of Lent
To the day when the last retreat began.
I ran
into thoughts of security
and thoughts of fear
drawing always and forever near
to the life I asked God for
when I was seventeen
or fourteen
or maybe even seven
years
months
days...
Let me become real
Let me belong to you
only
You keep me safe
when the rest of the world
tries to kill me
I walked
into the dream
that became real
even when I fell
made mistakes
took the blows
from life
deserved
and undeserved
and got up
never fighting
with my fists.
Words
were my weapons.
I can kill
or make love
without touching you.
I can tell what you want
and what you need...
but I never allow my mind to understand
it's just too scary
to know the things I know
because I had to know
to survive
back then
before I learned to run.
Now
it's all so different
like I've arrived for the first time
on this planet called earth
where humans live
well, some humans live,
in love
and help each other
and care for each other
and really mean it
So there's that picture
of Divine Mercy
"Jesus, I trust in you"
it says
Near the bed
where I used to sleep
helping the nuns
care for the girls
who knew even less
about love
and more
about making love
than me.
"Jesus I trust in you."
I kind of realized
as I stared at the picture
in the 8x10 ninety nine cent frame
and some part of me
knew
it was important
the words were
important.
And some part of me understood
before
I understood
Jesus
I
Trust
In
You...
Now
that I took away my mask
in the presence of the Holy One
and He did not discard me
or
call me a liar
or worse
a dreamer
I asked
"What do I do
with the hole in me?
The one that was left
when the truth I believed
I no longer believed.
What do I do with the hole
in my heart?"
And He said,
"Let it be."
I said
"It hurts to be empty."
He said
"Let it be."
Mother Mary,
come to me
speaking words of wisdom:
let it be.
And she came,
after He came.
Loved my soul...
and the most
amazing
thing...
I left Him love me.
Simply by
letting it be.
I really wanted to write something brilliant
But this is the best I've got for you:
Let it be.
Cindy
March 24, 2014.
the eve of the anniversary of my aunt's death
and the Annunciation.
Do think that why I wrote?
Yeah.
God said, "write"
so I did.
I really miss her. My aunt.
But...you know, she saved my life.
Kept my heart beating
until I learned how to
let it beat
all on its own.
How about that?
I went from
Let it be
To
Let it be...at.
Maybe it was all about the heart
to begin with.
That heart
wounded by the weapon of love
pierced by doubt
and love poured out
blood and water...
I asked for birth
And I was born
of blood and water
because
I saw a picture
that said
"Jesus, I trust in you."
Something brilliant.
Scathingly brilliant.
Let it be.
Monday, March 24, 2014
Friday, March 7, 2014
Sheep and Goats...
Just reading the post about the Six Flags ride, the Texas Giant roller coaster, and how the German maker of the ride blames the amusement park for the death of a woman because "an employee saw that the bar was too high over this woman's lap as the ride began, but did not push the emergency stop button."
Blame is important in a word where money rules. The one who is blamed pays the price for the mistake. Because we are a cold people who want retribution for offenses committed against us. We want our pound of flesh in dollar bills.
Someone has to pay. All the time.
Someone will always pay.
Even an innocent will pay for the evils done against others.
If it's convenient.
We have a death penalty because some of us still believe "an eye for an eye" is a reasonable solution to evil. We still have wars, because forgiving a debt, or negotiating a compromise, is just too damn hard.
And besides, war is always profitable...for the lucky ones who don't fight in it.
Bankers will always have their John Doe's to manipulate and exploit, and convince them that "trickle-down economics" really works because...well, rich people are really generous.
There is no escape from this hell...except death. And maybe, not even then.
On Monday, I was on a high from the retreat...feeling that "in spite of all the sufferings we have endured in this world, we are still joyous people." That in the end, good will survive.
And that lasted for...almost a week.
And the devil got tired of me being a regular Pollyanna. He threw me back into "reality."
I got into a kind of bickering with a friend from high school while perusing Facebook. (Perhaps I should have given up FB for Lent after all...) A literary discussion began with a post about "Cosmos" and I responded with excitement about Carl Sagan, in which I was told some other guy was running it, and then she made a crack about the Catholic Church holding back knowledge. I defended it saying the university began because of the Catholic Church. And it went on...and then one of my first boyfriends, who unfriended me years ago because I posted things about God made a comment about how Copernicus was pardoned by the Church in 1993...and that was proof that the Church was holding us back...that oh how smart we would be if the Church did not exist.
Seriously?
A reasonably brilliant man is going to offer that as a retort. Oh, Billy, looks what too many drugs have done to you! You have forgotten how to argue. You were always so much smarter than me...and I really thought you didn't screw up your life as much as I did mine...and you throw a comment like that around? But then FB has not always inspired intelligent dialogue...
But I woke this morning feeling so sad about that encounter. Two people that I loved and admired...so angry at God. And I thought about my daughter, who may never to want a relationship with me ever again...all because of God. Or because I believe in God.
I can't say with some kind of scientific explanation that God exists. I have always laughed inside when I see the Thomas Aquinas chart of the four (or is it five) ways of proving God's existence. Seriously? But he was almost as smart as Paul when he was trying to teach a new idea to the "enlightened" masses. Almost as smart...but football fields away from him still.
Since the enlightenment, believing in God has become more a great personal risk than a public one. Intelligent people just know that believing in God is not rational.
I agree. Believing in God is not rational. No argument. But I am convinced that greater things are at work here, and not every brilliant thing comes from the mind. The mind, though, it the only tool we humans have of recognizing the Other...or any other, for that matter. Without the mind, any conception or understanding of anything would simply not exist. At this time, our mind cans "go this far and no farther."
As a primitive scholar of mathematics, my mind can recognize that we can, even now, mathematically conceive of things we cannot see. We can, in our heads, see the "perfect circle" yet no human being can physically create one. We can conceive of the idea of infinity though we can not "prove" it. We can even imagine that someday, we will be able to prove everything that exists under the sun...to what I might respond; "and your point is...what?" To have power over everything? To become immortal? To never get sick?
But can any of this knowledge bring happiness, joy, or love? Satisfaction perhaps. "Yes, I am almost a god, if such a thing existed." But would that make someone happy?
Can knowing exactly how the universe works keep the person you love alive, or loving you? Can you create a child that will be perfectly obedient, and grow up safely and happily in this world? Can violence be erased with an equation?
Perhaps we should just all become robotic creatures, following the "three laws" Isaac Asimov suggested. Or we could live in that totalitarian world suggested by Madeleine L'Engle. So many have created "perfect worlds" for us to hope for...and all the good stories...they come back to the one truly only important thing: love.
If I have all knowledge, rule the universe, own everything...and have not love, I am a clanging cymbal...without meaning. Or direction.
Do I believe in heaven? Is it "for real"? I believe in it. I can't prove it. I can't tell you Uncle Joe will be there. I can't say we will have "bodies"...and I certainly can't say I might be aware of "who made it and who didn't." I think it's all well beyond that...because that's what I imagine. I imagine a place where love and infinity unite...and what that looks like, if it "looks" at all, I can't say. But I accept your images of it. If it really is a place for only sheep and not goats.
Jesus used those terms because the people of that time understood what it meant. Sheep follow a master. Goats do their own thing. I have no clue which ones are happier. I have no clue if sheep and goats ever realize they have a shepherd. I don't think they care. They just want to be fed and not eaten by wolves.
I wept yesterday, watching a Fr. Robert Barron video on "The New Evangelization". The big questions about if God exists pale in comparison to the suffering in this world, the lack of a moral compass for so many people, the proliferation of a society that is completely self-absorbed and mostly miserable.
The need to be right far outweighs the their own hunger to be loved. Pride will send us all to hell. The very ego that permits and "idea" of God or Other, is the same ego that screams "It's all mine. To hell with everyone else."
The Chinese understanding of heaven and hell, I have written about it often, lies in your head. The large round table, with the giant chopsticks, and a bowl of food right in front of you. But you cannot eat it unless someone else feeds you. To see the food, and be hungry, and want to eat, and to not let the other, far away, feed you, is hell. To let the one across the table, feed you, and you feed him...that is heaven.
I think the concept of God encourages heaven. The idea of Jesus teaches that the only way to survive in this world is to forgive one another...every moment of every day...and that He is that scapegoat, that Sin Eater, who makes it possible to get out silly heads out of the victim, blame, "someone must pay for this" living hell.
And if there is a heaven, it doesn't include our selfishness, envy, greed, avarice...and all the other deadly...life killing...attitudes.
To get to heaven, you have to live a good life here. As good as you can. And forgive everyone. And not think you are the only one who got it right.
And I suppose it's true, that only people who don't get everything they want now, think about heaven. People who are put into a position of despair that most human effort cannot relieve, They think about God, when evil happens, or death, or an illness. And sometimes they go right into guilt: oh, why didn't I realize earlier, forgive earlier, love earlier? And they get stuck there. Everyone wants a reason for their suffering. Oh, I smoked, ate too much, drank too much, played too much golf...or whatever...we play that game, that illusion that we could have changed things if we had made other choices...and the whisperings of God begin to be heard.
It's not all over.
Losing a leg is not the end.
The death of a child is not the end.
Cancer does not have to defeat you.
Losing your job is only for this moment.
There are other moments ahead.
If you learn to juggle, if you can't let go, then juggle...
Your arms are not big enough to hold all the things
You think you want...
so finally, eventually, you will let go
of all of them
And you suddenly awake
to the realization
You didn't need any of them...or that.
At some point, you will let go of all of it...
and if you are kind to yourself
You will laugh
when you realize
everything you thought you needed
you already had.
From your very first thought
God was already there...
Saying
You don't have to do it alone.
Let heaven begin now.
Enjoy life
by realizing hardship is unavoidable
In the beginning you didn't care
when it was a struggle to walk, or talk, or sing
or ride a bike. If you had a bike to ride.
It's the same now.
It's always going to be a struggle.
Til your last breath.
So why not just love?
You don't need strong muscles for that
or legs, or even eyes...
you can even be in a coma
and still love
and be loved.
You can even die
and still love
and be loved.
Because love never dies.
Because love always grows.
And that..
for me...
is proof...
of God.
Q.E.D.
Love, Cindy
Blame is important in a word where money rules. The one who is blamed pays the price for the mistake. Because we are a cold people who want retribution for offenses committed against us. We want our pound of flesh in dollar bills.
Someone has to pay. All the time.
Someone will always pay.
Even an innocent will pay for the evils done against others.
If it's convenient.
We have a death penalty because some of us still believe "an eye for an eye" is a reasonable solution to evil. We still have wars, because forgiving a debt, or negotiating a compromise, is just too damn hard.
And besides, war is always profitable...for the lucky ones who don't fight in it.
Bankers will always have their John Doe's to manipulate and exploit, and convince them that "trickle-down economics" really works because...well, rich people are really generous.
There is no escape from this hell...except death. And maybe, not even then.
On Monday, I was on a high from the retreat...feeling that "in spite of all the sufferings we have endured in this world, we are still joyous people." That in the end, good will survive.
And that lasted for...almost a week.
And the devil got tired of me being a regular Pollyanna. He threw me back into "reality."
I got into a kind of bickering with a friend from high school while perusing Facebook. (Perhaps I should have given up FB for Lent after all...) A literary discussion began with a post about "Cosmos" and I responded with excitement about Carl Sagan, in which I was told some other guy was running it, and then she made a crack about the Catholic Church holding back knowledge. I defended it saying the university began because of the Catholic Church. And it went on...and then one of my first boyfriends, who unfriended me years ago because I posted things about God made a comment about how Copernicus was pardoned by the Church in 1993...and that was proof that the Church was holding us back...that oh how smart we would be if the Church did not exist.
Seriously?
A reasonably brilliant man is going to offer that as a retort. Oh, Billy, looks what too many drugs have done to you! You have forgotten how to argue. You were always so much smarter than me...and I really thought you didn't screw up your life as much as I did mine...and you throw a comment like that around? But then FB has not always inspired intelligent dialogue...
But I woke this morning feeling so sad about that encounter. Two people that I loved and admired...so angry at God. And I thought about my daughter, who may never to want a relationship with me ever again...all because of God. Or because I believe in God.
I can't say with some kind of scientific explanation that God exists. I have always laughed inside when I see the Thomas Aquinas chart of the four (or is it five) ways of proving God's existence. Seriously? But he was almost as smart as Paul when he was trying to teach a new idea to the "enlightened" masses. Almost as smart...but football fields away from him still.
Since the enlightenment, believing in God has become more a great personal risk than a public one. Intelligent people just know that believing in God is not rational.
I agree. Believing in God is not rational. No argument. But I am convinced that greater things are at work here, and not every brilliant thing comes from the mind. The mind, though, it the only tool we humans have of recognizing the Other...or any other, for that matter. Without the mind, any conception or understanding of anything would simply not exist. At this time, our mind cans "go this far and no farther."
As a primitive scholar of mathematics, my mind can recognize that we can, even now, mathematically conceive of things we cannot see. We can, in our heads, see the "perfect circle" yet no human being can physically create one. We can conceive of the idea of infinity though we can not "prove" it. We can even imagine that someday, we will be able to prove everything that exists under the sun...to what I might respond; "and your point is...what?" To have power over everything? To become immortal? To never get sick?
But can any of this knowledge bring happiness, joy, or love? Satisfaction perhaps. "Yes, I am almost a god, if such a thing existed." But would that make someone happy?
Can knowing exactly how the universe works keep the person you love alive, or loving you? Can you create a child that will be perfectly obedient, and grow up safely and happily in this world? Can violence be erased with an equation?
Perhaps we should just all become robotic creatures, following the "three laws" Isaac Asimov suggested. Or we could live in that totalitarian world suggested by Madeleine L'Engle. So many have created "perfect worlds" for us to hope for...and all the good stories...they come back to the one truly only important thing: love.
If I have all knowledge, rule the universe, own everything...and have not love, I am a clanging cymbal...without meaning. Or direction.
Do I believe in heaven? Is it "for real"? I believe in it. I can't prove it. I can't tell you Uncle Joe will be there. I can't say we will have "bodies"...and I certainly can't say I might be aware of "who made it and who didn't." I think it's all well beyond that...because that's what I imagine. I imagine a place where love and infinity unite...and what that looks like, if it "looks" at all, I can't say. But I accept your images of it. If it really is a place for only sheep and not goats.
Jesus used those terms because the people of that time understood what it meant. Sheep follow a master. Goats do their own thing. I have no clue which ones are happier. I have no clue if sheep and goats ever realize they have a shepherd. I don't think they care. They just want to be fed and not eaten by wolves.
I wept yesterday, watching a Fr. Robert Barron video on "The New Evangelization". The big questions about if God exists pale in comparison to the suffering in this world, the lack of a moral compass for so many people, the proliferation of a society that is completely self-absorbed and mostly miserable.
The need to be right far outweighs the their own hunger to be loved. Pride will send us all to hell. The very ego that permits and "idea" of God or Other, is the same ego that screams "It's all mine. To hell with everyone else."
The Chinese understanding of heaven and hell, I have written about it often, lies in your head. The large round table, with the giant chopsticks, and a bowl of food right in front of you. But you cannot eat it unless someone else feeds you. To see the food, and be hungry, and want to eat, and to not let the other, far away, feed you, is hell. To let the one across the table, feed you, and you feed him...that is heaven.
I think the concept of God encourages heaven. The idea of Jesus teaches that the only way to survive in this world is to forgive one another...every moment of every day...and that He is that scapegoat, that Sin Eater, who makes it possible to get out silly heads out of the victim, blame, "someone must pay for this" living hell.
And if there is a heaven, it doesn't include our selfishness, envy, greed, avarice...and all the other deadly...life killing...attitudes.
To get to heaven, you have to live a good life here. As good as you can. And forgive everyone. And not think you are the only one who got it right.
And I suppose it's true, that only people who don't get everything they want now, think about heaven. People who are put into a position of despair that most human effort cannot relieve, They think about God, when evil happens, or death, or an illness. And sometimes they go right into guilt: oh, why didn't I realize earlier, forgive earlier, love earlier? And they get stuck there. Everyone wants a reason for their suffering. Oh, I smoked, ate too much, drank too much, played too much golf...or whatever...we play that game, that illusion that we could have changed things if we had made other choices...and the whisperings of God begin to be heard.
It's not all over.
Losing a leg is not the end.
The death of a child is not the end.
Cancer does not have to defeat you.
Losing your job is only for this moment.
There are other moments ahead.
If you learn to juggle, if you can't let go, then juggle...
Your arms are not big enough to hold all the things
You think you want...
so finally, eventually, you will let go
of all of them
And you suddenly awake
to the realization
You didn't need any of them...or that.
At some point, you will let go of all of it...
and if you are kind to yourself
You will laugh
when you realize
everything you thought you needed
you already had.
From your very first thought
God was already there...
Saying
You don't have to do it alone.
Let heaven begin now.
Enjoy life
by realizing hardship is unavoidable
In the beginning you didn't care
when it was a struggle to walk, or talk, or sing
or ride a bike. If you had a bike to ride.
It's the same now.
It's always going to be a struggle.
Til your last breath.
So why not just love?
You don't need strong muscles for that
or legs, or even eyes...
you can even be in a coma
and still love
and be loved.
You can even die
and still love
and be loved.
Because love never dies.
Because love always grows.
And that..
for me...
is proof...
of God.
Q.E.D.
Love, Cindy
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