Come Holy Spirit

Ask, and it will be given
Knock, and the door will be opened
For everyone who seeks, finds...

It's a great passage. I'm not going to look it up now.  The last 72 hours have been...illuminating.  A priest in my life knows certain rules I have put in place for myself...and he used one on Friday.  He thinks it would be a good idea for me to stay here another year.  I feel more than ready to move and meet new people. 
But everytime I have gone against a priest's suggestion, it has turned out poorly.  I see no practical reason to stay, but I could spend the year remodeling the house for proper sale. I can complete my CPE training up here. I suppose I could start another Masters degree in CATHOLIC theology.  (ooh...sun just came out...'tis a sign!)
God is such a smart-... sometimes.  I think I'm crazy.  I recall, each time I got closer to God...I kind of thought it out...said to myself "hell no, I'm not going there..." and then some young man would fall victim to my charms...I suppose now, it would be an old man...sigh...but the point is, when it gets to real...I seek a distraction. I have always sought a distraction, because I feel so weird. I don't see the world as most people do.

*****************
My Beethoven CD is skipping on the E-major sonata right now...annoying. That was the first piece I studied in college. How much my hands hurt...but I would not stop.  My pinkie fingers would grow numb from the demands of Beethoven in working out a proper legato.  I asked my piano teacher Brian, "how do you make one note sound louder in a chord, so a certain melody it transferred?" and he explained that you must demand that your fingers not work uniformly in that moment...yet at other times, say, while playing Bach...consistency is most important. 
And people at the college would stop and listen while I was practicing...and it drove me batty.  Back then, I didn't know I was praying, but I was...and no one has the right to watch me pray.  For me, praying is a form of making love to God. There I said it. Are you appalled?  True devotion is complete surrender to the one you love most...how is it not making love?
But that's really scary. The French call it a little death.  For moments in time (our human time), we surrender to that which gave us life. It is terrifying and wonderful. But if you can allow yourself to do it, you will find the world only a little place in your life. Then the trials and sufferings you face and those you witness...they take on a very different meaning. You know the suffering is temporary, you know that each creature will go on to something better, if it chooses...and your job is to help them choose wisely. 

Come Holy Spirit!  Fill the hearts of your faithful with your love.  Send for your spirit and they shall be retained and you shall renew the face of the earth.

How hard it was, in the beginning to play the arpeggios evenly!  And the runs...and then, how fun it was to play them...to let my hands run up and down the keyboard and hit every note.  I can't do it today. I stopped practicing...because I was afraid.

I had far surpassed my husband's playing...and I thought that might cause him pain. Another rule: never out-shine your husband, if you want to keep him.  Always let him win.

But I liked myself when I played well...and he left...for many reasons, I'm sure. 

Sometimes the Spirit will take you to places you would rather not go...and you will have to do things you might not want to do.  It is not your job worry about what someone else gets to do...you simply need to do what the Spirit asks of you. It might not make sense to you, but God knows...how to make you happiest. God's love extends beyond any human imaginings.

You simply have to turn to Him, open your arms...maybe close your eyes...and hang on for the ride of your life. 

I know this as truth.  Perhaps I'm crazy.  I have to work daily to not run away...and right now, running is heavy on my mind. 

http://www.youtube.com/embed/ka9mCmx9Jhs
sigh....hope this works...
Gotta go pray now...

Love, Cindy

See What Love Does...

I really don't have time to write, but I look at the photos of my grandchildren...and I am comepletely slain by their beauty, interior and exterior.  I look at their parents, barely more than children when they started their family...and so very poor and struggling with so many challenges...and filled with so many wonderful dreams.  Ten years later, I shake my head with tears in my eyes.  This is proof of what love can do. 
It is work. It is a choice. It takes bravery. But it bears all things, believes all things. It does not wear out. It is the most perfect thing in the universe. Matter be blowed...it is love that keeps the world spinning on its axis. It is love that makes any challenge bearable, from the moment one pops out of the womb until that last breath and the monitor says nothing but zeroes on each line. Love is all that matters.

Remain cautious in reading my words, I am speaking of real love. Yes I love my grandchildren and my children. And I love the people they have chosen to love. I love my friends. But this love of which I write is part of that, but greater than that. It is an assurance inside me, that even when I explode in my Irish temper or fall into passionate French despair...I always know things will work out.

And they will.

Today, I struggle because a dear friend lost his brother. Circumstances will not allow me to help. I get that. It makes me most appreciative of what I have...and what I do not have.  But I have not felt so helpless in a long time. So I simply ask for prayers to help me be what I need to be now. To follow that path God has in front of me with courage and hope. To be the woman I was created to be.

Thank you.
Love, Cindy

Could Be Blue...

No one can predict the future.  Yet, if we pay attention to what is going on around us, we might be a bit forewarned of coming events. We hold within us a sense of right and wrong, of good and bad.  I'm willing to believe that those things are hard-wired into the human genome, but I believe we are really good at talking ourselves into and out of many of the "good" and "right" choices.  We can justify almost any action with some form of reasoning...that same reasoning we use to defend our belief in God...which is why it can get so damn tricky sometimes. Somewhere inside me, I know what is right, what will most likely happen, if certain things continue on a particular path. It is easier to see in the actions of others, but the truth is, I can see it in myself...when I want to. 

The safest place to remain, then, is in humility. 

I am so caught up in the gospel of John in these last few weeks. This is the gospel I have internalized, the one I kind of recite in my head...the one, when read to me, causes me to swoon...
It was the first topic for my preaching: when a woman gives birth, she feels pain...yet forgets it once she knows she had brought a child into this world...I preached on our relationships with our mothers, and it was the first time I ever spoke publically of my mother's death.  It helped to talk about it, to share it.
But lately, I've been thinking about this part, read today: You wonder what I am doing, but nobody asks me, "Where are you going?" "Why are you doing this?" "What is going to happen now?"  You are afraid to ask me, but I can feel your hurt. However you hurt, you must not be afraid. You must go on. I know you don't want me to leave you, but I must leave. It is time to go home. But you will not be alone, something new comes...something good for you....something better. 
And I recall sitting on the log in the woods, reading this passage many times, and crying. How can it be better?  Everything, everyone I love leaves me? How can that be a good thing?  Why do I have to hurt?  What's the point?

And in this process, that began some 16 years ago, I learn everyday...as something else is taken away...my work improves and I grow in my ability to help others heal themselves. I am aware each day how this work is a holy gift from God...and I am just along for the ride.
The priest I ran into in Arkansas came up to me after Mass yesterday and said, "You know, I've been thinking about going back to Arkansas and trying out that zip line." and I said, "Me, too." That would be a lot of fun, just flying through the air, a gentle fall...over some beautiful country. 

There is something wonderful about letting go...and just holding on for the ride. I leave the hard part, the sorting out, the thinking...to God...and I just hang on...and hope He uses me for what needs to happen next.  Several people came up to me after Mass yesterday, and gave me long, wonderful hugs, whispering in my ear their concerns...and their successes, asking for prayer...the one thing that is easy to give...a joy to give.   And I got to thinking, I have done some good things in the last three/four years. I've touched lives and lives have touched me. It's been a really good ride.

Is it time to move on?  I have to almost laugh each time I ask myself that question.  God is here. If I move south, God will be there, too.  If I leave, who and what do I leave behind?  If I stay, what wonderful things will I miss by not moving?  The God element, I begin to realize...is forever present, because I choose to make it present. I stay aware...well, I try to stay aware...and put God first in all things.  But what about these choices?

I listened to someone recently trying to reason out a choice...and I understood how God wanted me to listen, not just to help that person sort it out, but to show me how I sound when I am trying to figure out what God wants. God wants my love. It's about as simple as that. I need to make good choices as opposed to bad ones, but if I stay or if I go...it doesn't matter. At this point, I have to look at myself for a minute.

The priest I spoke with on Friday really annoyed me. He said, "When are you going to let someone love you, Cindy?" And I became so angry. I thought, is he crazy?  What is he talking about?  How dare he...and it took about 24 hours for the words to take on meaning.  I have convinced myself that my work is only as good as I remain detached from people and things. I fear becoming distracted by earthly things, I fear getting muddy again. I am afraid I might put someone or something before God.

And yet...it seems perfectly clear to me that I am being asked to open my heart to something new...and perhaps something very old. To receive something new, I have let go again. I may have to let go of the work I am doing now. Let me be clear though...it is not yet the letting go of the work, but the willingness to offer it up, as good as it is, so that I might move on to something better. Does this make sense?   A good thing is only as good as it is good. I can choose to stop climbing the mountain at any time...and I think God will not be disappointed in me.
But there is something more out there...and I am not ready to settle yet. There is new work, on a different level...but to get there, I'll have to let go of more than I ever thought I would. I don't know if I have the strength to do it, but I put it here as an idea...a dream...a wish...a hope.

I suppose that is what I challenge you to do also. What is that impossible dream that keeps poking you in the back of the head?  What good thing might you do that you have not yet done?  Perhaps now is the right time to just rest, but it is possible that God might be telling you that you can climb higher, and closer, into His love. 
He didn't promise you a rose garden. He didn't say that you would never feel lonely or afraid or worried.  He didn't say it would be easy. But He did say that He would send an Advocate, to tell you all that you needed to know to make your life a good life, a life filled with joy.  I suppose some decisions will be made with you in mind, what you might want, what makes you feel good and complete...but even those decisions are made in His light, His time, His love...

I'm starting to understand the challenge in front of me. It is unlike any that I have faced before. It's organic, growing a bit clearer each day.  I'm not prepared to speak about it, yet I think it's hiding somewhere in these words. The surrender thing is so very hard.  Humility will take a lifetime for me to learn. And I'm going to mess up more often than I would like. 

Be brave. Take on the next adventure in your life. Make a choice. God will be there. If it is time, let go of the old, good as it was...embrace the questions...

I can't see into the future. I don't want to see it. I want to be surprised. It really is a wonderful life.   To all of the angels who have walked with me through my wonderings:
Thank you. You have earned your wings in my book...

Love, Cindy

She's gone...

So, sometime in the last few days, I got 5000 hits on this little blog...not counting my own...most of the reasons I started this particular blog are completed now, if completion is a proper term.  The wounded birds and healed and have flown away. I did what I set out to do. At least for the moment.
I have to keep writing, that is certain...but perhaps now is the time to do it with better care...instead of a Markan gospel style, it is time to work on a a Luke or a Matthew style...although neither of those style speak to me right now.  I no longer need to try to prove to the Catholic Church that women can be priests. Should be priests. Whatever.  So the Matthew argument style of 'natural progression of the Jewish faith' is pointless in a group with so much power that has decided women have no role in the clergy.  The Lukan argument that everyone is included no longer works, either. It's been shut down with the heavy hand of Tradition.  I understand it. As a Catholic, I support it. I will live it. But I cannot, in good conscience agree with the arguments presented.  They will have to come up with a better one before I can definitively say that "the Catholic Church is right" on this issue.

But, with all my struggles, I realize it just doesn't matter anymore. I will no longer lament that which could have been done by and within the Church, and was not. I will instead focus my energies on what the Church can do as it is.  And it can do a lot. 
These gender issues, these sexual abuse issues, the slapping down of the women religious...they get in the way of a complete evangelization of the world...but perhaps that is how it is supposed to be.  Perhaps, like Babel, we aren't supposed to all be in agreement...that dissent is necessary in order that we never consider ourselves gods...

I had a discussion with someone recently. I said that death was a gift and this person disagreed.  I was kind of shocked by the response.  Perhaps because I have been abandoned by nearly EVERYONE who has entered my life...I live in great appreciation for the NOW.  I have learned, the hard way, that everyone leaves eventually...things, people, places.  You can choose to be sad about that...but like in Job 38...I can't help but think of God saying to us who are sad now:  "You know, I didn't have to give that beautiful thing, or person, to you at all...but I did...and now you whine because it's gone?  What about the gift? Does that mean nothing?  Can't you see that if you keep EVERYTHING that comes your way, there is no room in your life for something new...or perhaps better?"
Henri Nouwen wrote well about this idea in his book, "Gracias!"  About learning how to know and live that everything is a gift...including death. 

How dull it would be to live forever.  At least in this place, where people misused and abused each other, are forever greedy and self-centered...and just generally dissatisfied with what comes their way.  I think joy arrives inside us because we recognize how finite we are, how very mortal...and there is a little child comfort is remembering that we are more than flesh and blood...and that our souls are immortal.  What we feed them here, what we teach them here...we take with us into the next place...and that is heaven (where all is love) or hell (where all is hunger and want)...
This time is precious...and we have to love each other now...and forgive each other now.  A line from an Angel episode (spin off of Buffy the Vampire Slayer):  Darla tells Angelus, after he has killed his family (killed his father for not loving him and then the rest of his family as collateral damage...and to prove the label of evil his father had given him), Darla says, "Who we were informs who we are now. Your little victory (meaning Angel's) lasts but a moment.  Your father's disapproval of you will last an eternity."  Imagine an eternity of unforgiveness. That is the real hell.

So, without the collar, I ask you to love each other better. Not because of what you can get...today...or tomorrow...but because loving is the only thing that matters in this world. Because the poor will always be with us, as will hate and meanness and injustice and violence. Someone will die before I finish writing this passage. Someone will die with a hand of love in theirs...and someone will die alone. No one should die alone.
So suck it up, remember everything you have is a gift from God. Be grateful. Reach out, not looking for what someone might give you...but give away that which you have been given...His love.  The more you give...you will find the more you get.

And the more you die...the more you live. There's a bird singing outside my window...I get to hear it today...and when I am gone...a bird will still be singing...I find comfort in that. The world goes on, with or without me. But you must love one another. You must love.

Because He loved you first.

Love, Cindy

Girl, interrupted

Wrote well last night, but not sure abotu publishing it.  Just woke and God made clear some things that I needed to understand. The admonitions from the last post were not just for me, but they were for me. I can't kid myself into thinking even for a moment that I might have some wonderful knowledge of things...although some people think I am wise, I can assure you that God is in charge. Even when I am a fool, God shows me what I need to know. The way I write, the reasons I write...is to continually make example of the organic, dynamic process that God chooses to work in and through.  I believe that if I wait, a part of the innocence of the beauty of being in love with God loses some of its color. Part of the fun of being alive is watching...and participating...in all the craziness that brings God to birth inside us. 

I look at what God does to me...and I think, "You have got to be kidding, God!" But because I love Him, I walk the path...and it turns out perfectly. Now, He is showing me the outrageous paths of others...and my gut says, "That's a dark hole to wander into now" but then, after I do my panic dance, I see the beauty in it, too.  It's still a bad choice, it will still bring pain...and perhaps unnecessary pain...but it is their dance, and now it is their right, to fall. Perhaps falling is the only way to learn how to get up.  And that's where God makes sense to me again. He took me for a little walk, and reasoned with me. That "I know you think it's bad, but this can turn out well. Be patient, Cindy. And do not stop loving." 
And he reminded me, of a time when my son (my biological son) was suffering. I had to choose what to do. I had the power to bail him out of his suffering and I stood back. I let him have his fall, so to speak...that illusion "let him" is so imprecise. I realize had I engaged, I simply would have been yet another part of  "the fall."  It just would have had a different momentary ending.  God reminded me of how well that event turned out, the beauty of now.  And I thought, oh...and once my mind was opened to that , "oh," I was ready to see the gift He had for me in it.
All the warnings in the world are just noise, even when they aren't well timed. But once we've made our 'free will' choice, and experienced the consequences of the choice...we can go "oh!" And perhaps the next time, we open ourself to the "oh" a bit sooner.  We learn who to trust and who is just making noise.  And we learn from the noise makers, too. 
I'm still miffed at a few things...and yesterday, in prayer, I was reading Augustine on Holy Men of the Church...and found that what I had written, he had written...so I felt better. And, as I said, I needed to write the words, the warning...
Remember that kids warning "I'm rubber and you're glue.  Everything you say bounces off me and sticks on you."  Kind of works that way...when we open our mouths.  When we think we are being wise or motherly, what we say comes back to us...and we have to own the truth about ourselves.

So dance your dance. Look for God in it. If you discover you have put another god before you...well then, say no, walk away...you won't have to go too far...He just around the bend...or outside the door...with hot cocoa or tea...and a blanket...and He'll put His arm around you...and the blanket, too...and say gently, "Wanna try it my way now?"

And being a girl as I am, I'll bury my head in His shoulder, probably rub some tears into His shirt, and shake my head in the affirmative. I'll look up and He'll smile...

"That's my girl..."

Love, Cindy

Illusions and Delusions

I shut down the blog for a few days.  I will probably have to start something new soon. As I looked through my writings, I have 102 drafts...things I wanted to write about, but always ended up just a bunch of discordant notes trying to find resolution. I suspect much of life is like that, the trying to make sense of it all. That is one reason why we stay so busy.  We never have to think about life having any sense or purpose or reason behind it. 
Me, I think all the time.I am aware that it is not always clearly...that it is often filled with drama and that there is always the possibility that I am completely wrong. In this case, I kind of hope I am.

I told a friend that, when I see a train wreck coming, the best thing I can do is get out of the way.  No matter what happens in church, or in the classroom...people will see what they want to see and act accordingly.  People cannot be reasoned with when they are focused.  
Think about our beautiful St Augustine.  He wrote some of the most beautiful words about his relationship with God. He seduced us with his love for the one thing he sought above all other things. Then he got old, took himself too seriously and became the father of the Inquisition.  His reason led him to believe that Man could be forced into believing in God.  By torture. He went into a scriptural dark hole. As do many of our prophets.
If it can happen to Augustine, it can happen to any of us.

I've been fighting my own devils, demons, dragons...for most of my life. The early ones were given to me, then I became good at finding my own.  When I found out I was adopted, at 28, it was more than I could handle...but the party wasn't over...within two years my mother killed herself...and the most beautiful perfect gift I had been given was gone. Forever. No second chances.  I was alone. Again. And still I lived. How is that?  To be alive and be dead at the same time?  What I've learned...is how very common that truth is. And how we all need each other to get through it.

But I see a great train wreck coming. What was intended as good is only just comfortable. I fear the train wreck because I fear the collateral damage. I fear because I see people on their spiritual paths with their eyes wide shut. Like me, they want the easy answers...

I wasn't going to post, but now I realize I must. The train wreck is coming. Perhaps it is already here. Nope...this is just the wind kicking up and the orchestra tuning its instruments. Choices were made without thinking them through. What do you seek?  What do you really want from God?  I'll tell you, those of us who pray often know: we get what we ask for.  So be very careful about what you ask for. 

Remember who you are. Remember whose you are. Remember your promise. Remember who should come first. Remember that our short term needs and desires are just that: short term. Be very careful who you choose to tame. They may see things quite differently than you do. If you tame them, you become responsible for them...and that doesn't mean they become your pets.  They are human beings and deserve respect. Take care to watch your own hungers. They will blind you.

And when you fall, you must get up again. You do not have the luxury of self-pity in this one. Healing time will be provided later. And you must be strong. Know the difference between help and enabling. Know your own weaknesses and do not be blindsided by them. Don't forget to be humble. Do not be seduced by words you know you want to hear. They are intended to take power from you...but they will only take that power which does not come from God.  The more humble you become, the less vulnerable you will be to seduction.

Should I publish this? Yes...I know these words are meant for me. Perhaps they might help you, too. 

Love, Cindy