I shut down the blog for a few days. I will probably have to start something new soon. As I looked through my writings, I have 102 drafts...things I wanted to write about, but always ended up just a bunch of discordant notes trying to find resolution. I suspect much of life is like that, the trying to make sense of it all. That is one reason why we stay so busy. We never have to think about life having any sense or purpose or reason behind it.
Me, I think all the time.I am aware that it is not always clearly...that it is often filled with drama and that there is always the possibility that I am completely wrong. In this case, I kind of hope I am.
I told a friend that, when I see a train wreck coming, the best thing I can do is get out of the way. No matter what happens in church, or in the classroom...people will see what they want to see and act accordingly. People cannot be reasoned with when they are focused.
Think about our beautiful St Augustine. He wrote some of the most beautiful words about his relationship with God. He seduced us with his love for the one thing he sought above all other things. Then he got old, took himself too seriously and became the father of the Inquisition. His reason led him to believe that Man could be forced into believing in God. By torture. He went into a scriptural dark hole. As do many of our prophets.
If it can happen to Augustine, it can happen to any of us.
I've been fighting my own devils, demons, dragons...for most of my life. The early ones were given to me, then I became good at finding my own. When I found out I was adopted, at 28, it was more than I could handle...but the party wasn't over...within two years my mother killed herself...and the most beautiful perfect gift I had been given was gone. Forever. No second chances. I was alone. Again. And still I lived. How is that? To be alive and be dead at the same time? What I've learned...is how very common that truth is. And how we all need each other to get through it.
But I see a great train wreck coming. What was intended as good is only just comfortable. I fear the train wreck because I fear the collateral damage. I fear because I see people on their spiritual paths with their eyes wide shut. Like me, they want the easy answers...
I wasn't going to post, but now I realize I must. The train wreck is coming. Perhaps it is already here. Nope...this is just the wind kicking up and the orchestra tuning its instruments. Choices were made without thinking them through. What do you seek? What do you really want from God? I'll tell you, those of us who pray often know: we get what we ask for. So be very careful about what you ask for.
Remember who you are. Remember whose you are. Remember your promise. Remember who should come first. Remember that our short term needs and desires are just that: short term. Be very careful who you choose to tame. They may see things quite differently than you do. If you tame them, you become responsible for them...and that doesn't mean they become your pets. They are human beings and deserve respect. Take care to watch your own hungers. They will blind you.
And when you fall, you must get up again. You do not have the luxury of self-pity in this one. Healing time will be provided later. And you must be strong. Know the difference between help and enabling. Know your own weaknesses and do not be blindsided by them. Don't forget to be humble. Do not be seduced by words you know you want to hear. They are intended to take power from you...but they will only take that power which does not come from God. The more humble you become, the less vulnerable you will be to seduction.
Should I publish this? Yes...I know these words are meant for me. Perhaps they might help you, too.
Love, Cindy
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