Wrote well last night, but not sure abotu publishing it. Just woke and God made clear some things that I needed to understand. The admonitions from the last post were not just for me, but they were for me. I can't kid myself into thinking even for a moment that I might have some wonderful knowledge of things...although some people think I am wise, I can assure you that God is in charge. Even when I am a fool, God shows me what I need to know. The way I write, the reasons I write...is to continually make example of the organic, dynamic process that God chooses to work in and through. I believe that if I wait, a part of the innocence of the beauty of being in love with God loses some of its color. Part of the fun of being alive is watching...and participating...in all the craziness that brings God to birth inside us.
I look at what God does to me...and I think, "You have got to be kidding, God!" But because I love Him, I walk the path...and it turns out perfectly. Now, He is showing me the outrageous paths of others...and my gut says, "That's a dark hole to wander into now" but then, after I do my panic dance, I see the beauty in it, too. It's still a bad choice, it will still bring pain...and perhaps unnecessary pain...but it is their dance, and now it is their right, to fall. Perhaps falling is the only way to learn how to get up. And that's where God makes sense to me again. He took me for a little walk, and reasoned with me. That "I know you think it's bad, but this can turn out well. Be patient, Cindy. And do not stop loving."
And he reminded me, of a time when my son (my biological son) was suffering. I had to choose what to do. I had the power to bail him out of his suffering and I stood back. I let him have his fall, so to speak...that illusion "let him" is so imprecise. I realize had I engaged, I simply would have been yet another part of "the fall." It just would have had a different momentary ending. God reminded me of how well that event turned out, the beauty of now. And I thought, oh...and once my mind was opened to that , "oh," I was ready to see the gift He had for me in it.
All the warnings in the world are just noise, even when they aren't well timed. But once we've made our 'free will' choice, and experienced the consequences of the choice...we can go "oh!" And perhaps the next time, we open ourself to the "oh" a bit sooner. We learn who to trust and who is just making noise. And we learn from the noise makers, too.
I'm still miffed at a few things...and yesterday, in prayer, I was reading Augustine on Holy Men of the Church...and found that what I had written, he had written...so I felt better. And, as I said, I needed to write the words, the warning...
Remember that kids warning "I'm rubber and you're glue. Everything you say bounces off me and sticks on you." Kind of works that way...when we open our mouths. When we think we are being wise or motherly, what we say comes back to us...and we have to own the truth about ourselves.
So dance your dance. Look for God in it. If you discover you have put another god before you...well then, say no, walk away...you won't have to go too far...He just around the bend...or outside the door...with hot cocoa or tea...and a blanket...and He'll put His arm around you...and the blanket, too...and say gently, "Wanna try it my way now?"
And being a girl as I am, I'll bury my head in His shoulder, probably rub some tears into His shirt, and shake my head in the affirmative. I'll look up and He'll smile...
"That's my girl..."
Love, Cindy
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