Come Holy Spirit

Ask, and it will be given
Knock, and the door will be opened
For everyone who seeks, finds...

It's a great passage. I'm not going to look it up now.  The last 72 hours have been...illuminating.  A priest in my life knows certain rules I have put in place for myself...and he used one on Friday.  He thinks it would be a good idea for me to stay here another year.  I feel more than ready to move and meet new people. 
But everytime I have gone against a priest's suggestion, it has turned out poorly.  I see no practical reason to stay, but I could spend the year remodeling the house for proper sale. I can complete my CPE training up here. I suppose I could start another Masters degree in CATHOLIC theology.  (ooh...sun just came out...'tis a sign!)
God is such a smart-... sometimes.  I think I'm crazy.  I recall, each time I got closer to God...I kind of thought it out...said to myself "hell no, I'm not going there..." and then some young man would fall victim to my charms...I suppose now, it would be an old man...sigh...but the point is, when it gets to real...I seek a distraction. I have always sought a distraction, because I feel so weird. I don't see the world as most people do.

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My Beethoven CD is skipping on the E-major sonata right now...annoying. That was the first piece I studied in college. How much my hands hurt...but I would not stop.  My pinkie fingers would grow numb from the demands of Beethoven in working out a proper legato.  I asked my piano teacher Brian, "how do you make one note sound louder in a chord, so a certain melody it transferred?" and he explained that you must demand that your fingers not work uniformly in that moment...yet at other times, say, while playing Bach...consistency is most important. 
And people at the college would stop and listen while I was practicing...and it drove me batty.  Back then, I didn't know I was praying, but I was...and no one has the right to watch me pray.  For me, praying is a form of making love to God. There I said it. Are you appalled?  True devotion is complete surrender to the one you love most...how is it not making love?
But that's really scary. The French call it a little death.  For moments in time (our human time), we surrender to that which gave us life. It is terrifying and wonderful. But if you can allow yourself to do it, you will find the world only a little place in your life. Then the trials and sufferings you face and those you witness...they take on a very different meaning. You know the suffering is temporary, you know that each creature will go on to something better, if it chooses...and your job is to help them choose wisely. 

Come Holy Spirit!  Fill the hearts of your faithful with your love.  Send for your spirit and they shall be retained and you shall renew the face of the earth.

How hard it was, in the beginning to play the arpeggios evenly!  And the runs...and then, how fun it was to play them...to let my hands run up and down the keyboard and hit every note.  I can't do it today. I stopped practicing...because I was afraid.

I had far surpassed my husband's playing...and I thought that might cause him pain. Another rule: never out-shine your husband, if you want to keep him.  Always let him win.

But I liked myself when I played well...and he left...for many reasons, I'm sure. 

Sometimes the Spirit will take you to places you would rather not go...and you will have to do things you might not want to do.  It is not your job worry about what someone else gets to do...you simply need to do what the Spirit asks of you. It might not make sense to you, but God knows...how to make you happiest. God's love extends beyond any human imaginings.

You simply have to turn to Him, open your arms...maybe close your eyes...and hang on for the ride of your life. 

I know this as truth.  Perhaps I'm crazy.  I have to work daily to not run away...and right now, running is heavy on my mind. 

http://www.youtube.com/embed/ka9mCmx9Jhs
sigh....hope this works...
Gotta go pray now...

Love, Cindy