Something brilliant

I was surprised
when I realized
that I can close my eyes
and work my way back
day by day
to the beginning of March
before the beginning of Lent
To the day when the last retreat began.

I ran
into thoughts of security
and thoughts of fear
drawing always and forever near
to the life I asked God for
when I was seventeen
or fourteen
or maybe even seven
years
months
days...
Let me become real
Let me belong to you
only
You keep me safe
when the rest of the world
tries to kill me

I walked
into the dream
that became real
even when I fell
made mistakes
took the blows
from life
deserved
and undeserved
and got up
never fighting
with my fists.
Words
were my weapons.
I can kill
or make love
without touching you.
I can tell what you want
and what you need...
but I never allow my mind to understand
it's just too scary
to know the things I know
because I had to know
to survive
back then
before I learned to run.

Now
it's all so different
like I've arrived for the first time
on this planet called earth
where humans live
well, some humans live,
in love
and help each other
and care for each other
and really mean it

So there's that picture
of Divine Mercy
"Jesus, I trust in you"
it says
Near the bed
where I used to sleep
helping the nuns
care for the girls
who knew even less
about love
and more
about making love
than me.
"Jesus I trust in you."

I kind of realized
as I stared at the picture
in the 8x10 ninety nine cent frame
and some part of me
knew
it was important
the words were
important.
And some part of me understood
before
I understood
Jesus
I
Trust
In
You...

Now
that I took away my mask
in the presence of the Holy One
and He did not discard me
or
call me a liar
or worse
a dreamer
I asked
"What do I do
with the hole in me?
The one that was left
when the truth I believed
I no longer believed.
What do I do with the hole
in my heart?"
And He said,
"Let it be."
I said
"It hurts to be empty."
He said
"Let it be."

Mother Mary,
come to me
speaking words of wisdom:
let it be.

And she came,
after He came.
Loved my soul...
and the most
amazing
thing...
I left Him love me.
Simply by
letting it be.

I really wanted to write something brilliant
But this is the best I've got for you:
Let it be.

Cindy
March 24, 2014.
the eve of the anniversary of my aunt's death
and the Annunciation.

Do think that why I wrote?
Yeah.
God said, "write"
so I did.
I really miss her. My aunt.
But...you know, she saved my life.
Kept my heart beating
until I learned how to
let it beat
all on its own.
How about that?
I went from
Let it be
To
Let it  be...at.
Maybe it was all about the heart
to begin with.
That heart
wounded by the weapon of love
pierced by doubt
and love poured out
blood and water...

I asked for birth
And I was born
of blood and water
because
I saw a picture
that said
"Jesus, I trust in you."

Something brilliant.
Scathingly brilliant.
Let it be.