Boundaries

Deleted so many lines today.  Most of what is happening, I cannot write about anymore. It is all intense, holy, unexpected...without specific direction. I may shut down this blog soon. Where I am going now...is different. The war is over. Nearly a nun, never a priest...is old news. None of that matters anymore.

The work matters. And I love the work.  I do not know if I will ever have a 'real job.' I honestly don't think I care. I don't care much about a title, or more degrees (although studying would be a lot of fun!)...I just know that each day God draws me closer and closer into His life, into my own life and into the lives of others. I am doing things I would never have dreamed possible. I am watching lives change. I am bold. I know who I am now. I also know that I don't really fit anywhere. And I know it just doesn't matter.

A couple standing in a doorway, with tears on their face. A young woman who kissed my hand. A little gleam in an eye before I left. The kindness of strangers. Real honest hugs. Hearing the truth from others. And the two biggest tests of the month: people that had power over me no longer have power over me. How I handled it, how it played out...and what it really means.

In the Gospel of John readings this month, Jesus says..."You will do all that I do...and you will do more...if you believe."  I get it now. Not fancy, Hollywood type miracles...but the little ones, that change lives.

I am pretty good in conversations with people who actually want to know what is going on, but writing it down is getting harder and harder. And less and less important. I am connected to people in ways I can't explain.  I am continually encouraged to explain all of this, but how exactly does one explain union with God?  And of course, the debate about whether or not it is really happening. It doesn't matter. What I see is good work being done. Never what I expect, never what I plan...I don't plan anything anymore.

I spoke with a woman who wanted to know if she was taking the right path...to grow in her spiritual journey. I sat quietly and waited and tried not to smile. And then I took a big breath. I told her gently that it didn't matter. Wherever you go, God is there. It doesn't matter. I finally get that. It's not the when, or the where, or the five year plan...it is the doing and being present in the now. Living passionately and connected to others in the now. All the people, the things I thought I could not live without...are still important, but they don't own me and I don't own them.

You know, this kind of loving is so much more satisfying. 

I don't know how to say it better. I have fought the good fight and lost...Jacob wrestling with the angel. And the wounds...I thank God for them.  I can't possibly dare to say that I'm done...or complete, by any stretch of the imagination, but I can say, at least for the moment, I am content with the now.  And the work I get to do, I love.

That's enough for today.
 May you fall in love with God, too.

Love, Cindy