I have this thing I do, which I have put off this June...for a variety of reasons. I am trying to remain open to possibilities. Should I move or should I stay? I have been boring my friends with my laments to find out "what God wants me to do." And I am beginning to bore myself.
We all spent a lot of time thinking about our decisions. Especially ones we think are important. I recall James Finley ( a disciple of Thomas Merton)speaking about decision-making. He said, "to ask the question whether or not God wants me in place A or place B, is really not that important. Because God is in both places...and if we take on the 'mind of Christ.' it doesn't matter where we are.
But it is so much easier to expend energy on on these 'important' decisions, than to actually DO something. Inaction is one of my talents...and most of my friends allow me to get away with it, and I allow them the same privilege.
Dorothy Day would have had a fit. Mother Teresa would have given us a good talking to. We waste so much time on the wrong things.
"I know that you know that I'm not telling the truth.
I know you know that they don't have any proof..."
I love the show "Psych." It's about a guy who observes thing well, but passes himself off as a psychic because..people can believe that more easily than believe he is a person of meticulous detail. We have an idea in our heads of how "the job and the person" fit together. Beautiful people are good. Ugly people are bad. Priests are men. (sorry, couldn't resist!) Profiling. Just try to tell me you don't do it. Maybe not all the time, but we are all victim to it. Our lives inform our decisions...all the time. It's part of being human.
There is a great big chasm between who we are and who we think we are. I encounter it daily. The sad thing is that too often we settle for less. We do less. We believe less.
I have a therapist who tells me that when we think less of ourselves, and speak of ourselves that way, we are trying to manipulate others into making us feel better. Statement: "I'm not very good at [fill in the blank]." Response: "Oh, that's not true!" Outcome: a couple of seconds of feeling better...for both parties...and then it starts all over again. But because someone else telling you...some kind of judgment about you...it ultimately totally worthless...
What matters is what you think about what you are doing and why you are doing it. And of course, what God thinks about what you are doing and why you are doing it.
Recently, I have been on both sides of the judgment of others. I have been told I am the greatest thing since sliced bread and I have been told I am the worst thing that ever happened. What I realized finally, as God presented me with drastically different opinions from my peers...was how their opinions ultimately don't matter. That doesn't mean that I don't love them...or disrespect them...I simply don't take their opinions to heart.
That is the best gift of detachment. To be completely engaged in life, yet not victim to it. To be able to pay attention to being authentic in my actions...and to expect others to be authentic with me. The idea is hardly new. It is all over a great old book: The Imitation of Christ by Thomas a Kempis. Our feelings, while a gift from God, are forever changing. We love one moment, then hate the next. We think we can't live without some man...and then we wonder what we ever saw in him...
I think that the less we trust ourselves...believe in ourselves, the more prone we are to drastic fluctuations of feelings...because we are relying on what others are telling us. Such a life is exhausting because it changes with the wind. I suppose it is wildly romantic in some ways...but it is ultimately unsustainable.
We have to believe in ourselves. That God loves us. And will give us the very best in life...if we let Him. Some people learn these things early in life, they have good people around them who don't try to manipulate them or exploit them, or use them...but lots of people miss out on that...and have to acquire it later.
I encountered a lot of lost people last week. And I encountered a lot of found people, too. And I could write, and hope to write, about it all later...if I don't forget.
But the marriage question came up more than once in the last seven days. The attendant at the motel kept asking me in disbelief, or rather, kept stating, "You are traveling alone?" "Yes." He probably asked three times. I began to wonder if I needed to acquire a weapon to sleep with. "But you wear a ring." "Yes." and then I kind of sheepishly say..."I belong to God." And that brings on many different responses from others. This guy asked me to bless him. I stood a bit dumfounded and then thought...okay. So I prayed over him. He wanted a blessing. Then he asked me to kiss him on the cheek. I told him no. Argh...
Grandson, while playing a game, grabbed my hand. "Nana, are you married?" I paused. He's five. "Yes, I am." "Who are you married to?" "Jesus." He smiled. "No, really, Nana...who are you married to?" "Jesus." "But who do you sleep with?" (Oh heavens! I thought...) "Jesus." And he was sure I was teasing him.
There are so many reasons for why I am doing what I am doing. And telling people just makes it so confusing for them. I belong to no Order, nor have I made any public proclamation...and in these past few months, I realize how it can all be so misunderstood...and I don't want to manipulate people and I don't want them to manipulate me. I just know that, as I choose this life, this lifestyle...I get to part of something wonderful. I get to do very special, very sacred, very holy work. I am aware when it is good and when it is bad. And strangely, I never feel the dissatisfaction I felt a year ago...and I don't feel the need for approval anymore.
I sat with a priest friend last week. As we talked, I began to know deep inside, I didn't need anyone to tell me that I was good anymore. I finally knew it in my bones. I enjoyed his company very much, but I did not try to saddle him with the job of making me feel adequate, useful or approved. I knew...and he knew...I am living the life I have desired for so long.
Yes, it would be nice if certain things could happen, but they are not needed or necessary for what must happen next. If I lost my friends, I would be sad, but I know I will find others. It is a perfect truth. Not my will but yours. If you really believe it, you will find peace.
It's taken a long time to get here. And I still have so far to go.
I write these words to encourage you to find your true self. It is impossible to do without God, though. But trusting in humans...in the manner in which you should trust God alone...will bring pain eventually. That sounds harsh...and who knows, I may change my mind as I grow into this. But trying to please your parents, or your boyfriend, or your husband...so that they will love you more or better or deeper...is an empty pursuit. But it does occupy the time. It uses up life...and allows us to hide from the person God created us to be. I am not in any way suggesting that you love others less...but that you grow to into love that does not keep score, or manipulate, or possess, or control...rather you love in a way that sets the ones we love free...a love that builds up and does not tear down. It plants, it grows. And it definitely does not make us tired.
Am I married? Yes. Will I enter an earthly marriage again? That question doesn't matter now. That's a future question. But I must remain open to whatever God offers me. I cannot say never. Will I move south? Or north? It doesn't matter now. But it is important to be able to move if He asks me. Will I keep doing the work I'm given? Of course. Will I stay connected to others? It is part of the covenant.
If I didn't write it well, may God clarify the broken parts for you.
My children will be as numerous as the stars of the sky...
Love, Cindy
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