I thought I might title this one "The Fine Art of Spiritual Misdirection." I have spent at least the last two years asking myself that question every morning. I am truly living out that Beatles' song that says: "Life is what happens when you are making other plans."
The reality for me, is that I have always been standing at the precipice of trying to make a decision, and never really making it. One could argue that I was never trained to make any decisions. The nuns were careful to keep free will out of the classroom and my parents made it very clear to me that I was born to please them...what I wanted never really mattered. Frankly, I don't recall ever being asked, "What do you want?" My mother would argue differently: she worked in a dress store and would bring home clothes for me "on approval." Three dresses would be laid out on the bed. I got to pick one of them. But of course, I had to try all of them on...and then my mother would let me know which one looked best on me. If I did not choose the one she liked, she would begin to explain to me why the other dress was prettier, or more practical...with little digs like, that one hides your belly, or that one does not draw attention to your short neck...gentle reminders of what she really thought of me.
I write that hear only as a cautionary tale to not do that to children, or to the people you love. Remember, even little people have brains and can use them. Like the song from "Into the Woods:" children may not obey, but children will listen...and learn.
I wonder if decision-making is ever taught to children, especially to girls. This is often my experience as I enter into spiritual direction with someone. I walk carefully, knowing full well that I am trying to "teach" something I do not know well personally. I know that rules are often taught, or hammered into little people...but the actual encounter and confrontation with choice, seems to not be taught too well. Women, and most often it seems like Christian women, don't know how to choose. They was for their fathers to tell them what to do, and later, their husbands. There is an unwritten rule of obedience planted in the hearts of all good Christian women..."Do whatever He tells you" often becomes "Do whatever he (father, husband, son) tells you." The two concepts don't necessarily go together.
C.S. Lewis writes, in "The Voyage of the Dawn Treader" about the Dufflepods. These are creatures devoid of any independent thought. They follow the leader in every detail. When presented with the opportunity to have an opinion, they always defer to the leader's opinion. And they are happy little creatures. It is an easy life if you do not have to choose.
From here, we could go into politics, theology...pretty much any topic there is to discuss. But today, I am thinking about spiritual direction. The most frustrating and most wonderful part of spiritual direction is that a true spiritual director will never tell you what to do. A spiritual director will not pass judgment on your thoughts or ideas, but rather, continually open the door to the options...to bring you back to your quest to make a decision. A good spiritual director will probably leave you a bit frustrated at the end of the hour, if you expected him/her to tell you which answer is "right." ...but will also leave you encouraged to find the answer within yourself. A spiritual director will help you learn to trust yourself. You'll know it when you have it: the stormy seas will settle and all the naysayers will become unimportant...insofar as the decision that was made. You will be at peace with God and with yourself. Letting someone else choose for you...is only a cheap way of avoiding responsibility for yourself.
God plants inside of us an idea. God gives us a blessing. As human beings, as children of Eve...we can easitly take the idea, the blessing, into a place where it does not need to go...or we can choose to turn out back to the idea, the gift...or we can do it well for a time and then suddenly find ourselves in a place we did not intend to go...so we are always in need of spiritual direction. We need someone to shine a light on our thoughts, in love and in truth...to help us do the Will of God.
Yet the decision is ours alone. It needs to be ours alone. We will reap the fine harvest of good decisions and we will endure the consequences of bad decisions. But good or bad, we never have to do it alone. The whole concept of Christianity kind of flows into this part of my discussion(?). Here is that key ingredient :Love God with ALL you heart, ALL your soul, ALL your mind...and love your neighbor as yourself. Take someone with you into your heart, hold their hand...but don't expect them to do your work for you. A good friend is always there...and loves you enough to not try to fix you. It is without question the best part and the hardest part of a spiritual friendship.
Some of us are good at making decisions. Some of us just close our eyes and drop a pin onto a piece of paper with the words YES and NO written on it. I have within me a strong desire to let someone else handle the decisions. I don't want to choose. Probably because I don't want to let go of either good thing...or either bad thing for that matter. That tells you that parts of me have only matured to the age level of ...about three years old. Parts of me do not want to give up the pleasure of having it all. And nothing in my life has forced me to giving away that which I hold tightly in my hand.
I hold so tightly because I fear that if I let go of one part of my life, the world as I know it will disappear. And that is a truth...the world as I know it will have to change. But something new is way more scary than continually living in a place that is not good for me. I know the rules in my little hell. I function quite well in hell now, so why leave it? Is the next hell going to be any better?
All of these wandering thoughts do have a purpose. We hide from making decisions because we were not raised to make decisions. Yet the world demands us to make decisions...about every five minutes, when watching TV...they are called commercials and they want you to decide to buy their product. Those are a bit obvious...but the sneaky choices: having a donut or a bowl of fruit...or just a glass of water. Smoking a cigarette, taking a pill, driving fast, picking up the trash you dropped...smiling at a mother with a noisy child...they are all decisions and they form who we are.
Here's where the wandering took me this morning. I was at Mass with the school children. I looked around...everyone in the church seemed to have someone else watching out for them. Part of me was warmed inside by the general understanding in the church that "we take care of each other," was so very present. Everyone had a 'spiritual director' and everyone was a 'spiritual director.' Setting examples, gently reminding each how to behave in church, to collectively pray together and to collectively receive the Body of Christ in the celebration of the Mass.
I marveled at this beauty before me...and was stung by an interior knowledge that no one looked out for me. That there were connections inside this holy place that I was denied as a little girl. These children knew they were valued, they were being shepherded by caring people. And I was jealous. After Communion, I felt horror inside myself that somehow I did not deserve to be there...with these people who were loved. And I got up and left. before Mass was over.
Protestants often argue that Catholics only know how to suffer. They live forever in the "I'm not worthy" stage. They look at the crucifix...when the Resurrection is just around the corner. I can understand that thinking. Yet, to consider the Resurrection without constantly remembering why it all happened is faulty, too.
We have to always hold in tension our humanness and our divinity. We are of God and were are of Man (human). We are not one or the other. We are bound to a God who has blessed us with free will. Yet we have within us always a foretaste of the Divine nature. We can choose to love one another, or we can choose to exploit one another...we can base our choices on what has been done to us...or we can base them on what God did for us in the Incarnation. I'm referring to justification and sanctification here...and I will not go into detail at this time.
I left Mass early because I felt unworthy. I felt excluded...and yet, it was the brokenness of my own life that caused me to walk in the door in the first place. It's all so very hard. And it is all so very simple.
You get what you give. We all need others to remind us of what we have given and what has been given to us. We must live in community...or we are not really living at all. We do that by telling the truth, forgiving our mistakes and forgiving others their mistakes. And always, always loving.
I walked out of Mass because I forgot that for a moment.
Good thing someone reminded me who I was again...and the cool thing, he doesn't even know that's what he did.
I choose poorly for one moment. But now, I choose wisely again...be kind, rewind your thoughts...remember who you are and whose you are...
Jeremiah 29:11
For I know well the plans I have in mind for you—oracle of the LORD—plans for your welfare and not for woe, so as to give you a future of hope.
I hope it helped...<3
Love, Cindy
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