I wish I had just a little bit of understanding of how this life works. I love it, really I do, but the last few days have been so exhausting. I didn't think a really young priest could be such a comfort to me, but he has...in his own very unique way, And I am grateful. I am sometimes a snob when I 'choose' people for conversation. While openly capricious and proud of it, I really tend to scope and choose people I think will be helpful to me. I am not always as open as I would like to think I am. I recognize the inherent selfishness of our nature...I'm not crazy about it, but I still choose, or try to choose, who I will let into my life.
So this year is going to be a particular challenge. I am taking on new CPE work that I pretty much stumbled into. I am now the only female and the only Catholic in the group. Last night I stayed awake for many reasons, but wondered perhaps that I might need to quit. That this was too much. That the two 16 hour shifts I must do in order to complete the program might kill me.
I knew last week that my little friend was nearing death. I saw and felt all the signs of it...and I was completely aware that at least his mother was not even close to seeing that. Stay in the reality of the person you are present with. See what they see. Feel with them. Be completely present with them. And then split yourself, take a step back and see what is really happening. Know that, when the time comes, they will see too. Do not pre-empt the process. Do not force a solution. Do not try to fix. It is a sin to try to fix. Your gift it to see. And be the witness God has called you to in that moment. No other. Live it out as if it was your last task in the world. Give it your best. And then let it go.
I know all of that. I don't always pay attention to it. So I feel pain again because I said no...or not now...to someone who asked me to come. I took care of myself. I rested. Or was I selfish? I don't know for certain. What I do know it that I am human. And as my priest-friend told me a little over a year ago: if you can't take the heat, get out of the kitchen. I can stop working. I can stop trying. I can stop loving at amy moment. But what kind of life would that be? How could I not use the gifts God has given me? When I say no to my brother or sister, I am saying no to God. At least, that is how it feels.
Evening:
Long conversations. Vulnerability. Communion. Tears. Laughter. Gratitude. Humility. Feeling complete and yet not complete. Still longing for the cave. What did I learn today? How will I be a better servant tomorrow? Can I pray now...in this house, or should I go to Mass in Allen tonight? Can I escape my true destiny? My sadness has migrated into falling in love all over again.
It never fails me, this love. And yet, it is so irrational. There is a part of me that knows what I do and who I am goes against all logic. The stories that had to be told were told. They have no power over me any longer. No more than the illusion that some man will take me into a "happily ever after." Happily ever after is a choice made inside the heart. No one can make me happy or sad, but others can do things that allow me to experience love or hate or jealousy or joy...I get to choose what I receive. Yet, it is through humility to God that I acquire the real power of choice. If I do not choose God first, all other choices eventually become false choices, empty choices.
A priest too young to be believed saw enough into my heart that I was able to see a bit better who I really am. When the truth arrives, we don't look at the messenger, we look at the truth. In my brokenness, someone else found peace and safety. When the unspeakable happened, words were formed and the beginnings of healing were seen. I watched community take care of each other. I looked a friend in the eye and we were one for a few moments. I saw daughter and mother...and mother and son...and marvel how each day, something new happens and I get to be a part of it.
I get to be a part of life. This is new. Previously, it seemed like a fight to survive. It was a fight for things, for people, for love. A fight for a place, a purpose, a vision, a dream. A fight for...the sake of fighting...because fighting meant you were still breathing, still vibrant, still relevant.
Somehow, somewhere...things changed. Is it because I suddenly feel old? Have I given up? Am I now unimportant in the scheme of things? No. I think I have finally reached that mountaintop moment, when I truly feel forgiven. And that I have forgiven others.
All the people that I was jealous of, or made fun of, or just simply hated...because they understood what that means: forgiven. They make sense to me now. And I don't hate them anymore.
How did it happen? Or better, how is it happening? It is that hard humility thing. Humility.Something I hated, though I didn't know I hated it. Something for...not warriors like me. Not people who have had to claw their way into survival.
Humility. You can't love without humility. And you can't be loved without humility. This is what the last three years have been about.
From Hebrews 10:
Therefore, brothers, since through the blood of Jesus we have confidence of entrance into the sanctuary the new and living way he opened for us through the veil, that is, his flesh, and since we have “a great priest over the house of God,” let us approach with a sincere heart and in absolute trust, with our hearts sprinkled clean from an evil conscience and our bodies washed in pure water. Let us hold unwaveringly to our confession that gives us hope, for he who made the promise is trustworthy.
We must consider how to rouse one another to love and good works.We should not stay away from our assembly, as is the custom of some, but encourage one another, and this all the more as you see the day drawing near.
If we sin deliberately after receiving knowledge of the truth, there no longer remains sacrifice for sins but a fearful prospect of judgment and a flaming fire that is going to consume the adversaries. Anyone who rejects the law of Moses is put to death without pity on the testimony of two or three witnesses. Do you not think that a much worse punishment is due the one who has contempt for the Son of God, considers unclean the covenant-blood by which he was consecrated, and insults the spirit of grace? We know the one who said:
“Vengeance is mine; I will repay,”
and again:
“The Lord will judge his people.”
“For, after just a brief moment
he who is to come shall come;
he shall not delay. But my just one shall live by faith,
and if he draws back I take no pleasure in him."
I decided to put a good piece of Chapter 10 here. I love the Letter to the Hebrews. It is of uncertain origin, yet it was left in the Canon. Interesting.
The point is, I think, that we are simply asked to endure until we understand. When we understand, the war is over. I had to be present for a difficult death. Difficult because there was simply no way for me to reason out a why for it. Then the threat to my own life and the life of a beloved friend. A child has died...and another one has lived. I have been blessed to be present for both. Reason is not required. Reason blocks humility many times. Without humility, there is no love. There will be tragedy and comedy. Success and failure. Logic and irrationality. Good and evil. Death and life. And time.
I have been given enough time to let go of my burden, to take His, which is to love this world which tried to kill Him. It will try to kill me. But it never will. I know that now. I hope you live long enough to know that, too.
Love, Cindy
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