Timeline

Began November 8, 2011:
Me, being a teacher at heart and once or twice a math teacher, went up to the board and drew a line:

I------------------->  

Something like that.  I told a little story about my relationship with the TV show Star Trek.  That Q, a super being, chastized Jean Luc:

"Oh Jean Luc, you are so linear!"

And I have loved that line. It supports my love for the Gospel of John, and string theory and quantum physics and is oh so Platonic in nature.

Even on an atomic level, the world does not move in a straight line. There is no one cause, no one effect...except for God: the mover, the trancender of time, the creator of all things.  Many philosophies abound on what and how all these things have meaning, but this day, I had to deal with one thread.  Mine.

So I placed a marker on the line and said, my life began when I was 28.  That was the year I found out that I was adopted. Then I went back to the beginning. I found out that she, Jackie, was there with me in the beginning, for the first seven days. She held me and kissed me and fed me...and then she just disappeared. I had her for two years. Then she died.

And I told the story...now at nearly 54 years of age. Why I do ministry. Why I want to be a chaplain. Why God made me a healer. And in the course of the telling, and I left out all the gory, ugly stuff...but left in the interesting stuff...

And these men all kind of...said at the same time...wow, and you are still alive.

I had really thought I had toned it down considerably.  It is so very disturbing to me that people view my life that way.  One said, as they always say, "You should write a book."  And I think, but every day is different. Now I am almost too busy to think about it. God moments come and come and come...there are fleeting minutes that I only have a short time to say to someone "See God here!" and then move on. 

I'm still hoping to work a miracle, you know...what if I blow that chance because I was writing on the computer? 

I was given about 30 minutes and I took 40.  No one really seemed to mind, but when we got a break, I went out into the lobby and found not just my eye twitching, but my whole body.  Why? I didn't say anything new...at least I did not think I did...what was going on? 

What I think I did not want to own, was that I took my timeline and drew a couple of brackets...I said, "here" and "here" I was happy. Up until the age of 50, I was happy for a total of 6 years. Now that sounds really cold and harsh.  I had children, I won awards and competitions, I'd fallen in and out of love many times, I had had great adventures...but for six very specifially defined years...I found a total self-absorbed, only for me, happy. 

The first time was when I met my biological mother and had her for two glorious years, the second time was when I was in seminary.  That added up to just over one tenth of my life.   For one tenth of my life, I did/had something that belonged to me only.  For one tenth of my life, I loved authentically who I really am.

The rest of the time, I was working to be what someone else wanted me to be or thought I should be.  One could argue that the arrogance of being a full woman, even for six years, is antithetical to church teaching: that is a woman is a unit designed to care for her spouse and raise a family.  But for six unique years, I threw the teachings away and lived my life as fully as I possibly could.

Yet if I look at those years, they were a struggle, too. Hebrew and Greek were very hard for me. Systematic theology was boring, I found myself studying the personalities of the theologians instead.  Jerome had female issues. Calvin had contemplative experiences and dismissed them.  Wesley finally humbled himself enough to get it.  Tertullian had women issues, but great theology.  Polycarp was always direct. Pannenberg...eh...just annoyed me. The point was, not that I was constantly having FEELINGS and OPINIONS about all these writers...the point was that I had the chance to think about them!  That for a few moments in my life, I was not punished for reading, or thinking...and I was surrounded (at least by professors) who were thinking and reading. (many students were just trying to endure seminary so they could get their own church and be about being in charge)...but I was happy beyond all understanding.

And I am happy now, since age 52...according to the Mayan calender, I am in a new life. Since 52, I have decided to not be ashamed of being smart, or female, or being in love with God. God has provided, and I will do His work, as I grow to understand it and walk into it, for the rest of my life. I do not care if I live or die...because I have now...and that is really all that any of us has.

I feel a great love, different than anything I have ever known or understood. This love will never leave me...and it will go with me wherever I go. It is not tied to a person or a place, but there are persons and places where I feel it more strongly...where the fountain flows and I drink deeply...and it scares me a little, and sometimes makes me sad, because I do need a shoulder now and then, a place to feel safe and protected...and that doesn't always arrive when I want it...and I have to admit, I still seek solace and comfort from some people, but not from all people...I do not yet understand the humility of the now. Not completely, and I'm not certain I ever will. 

The timeline showed me a wound not yet healed.  And yet, perhaps it is not meant to be healed. It's pain gives me strength to be a seeker, to be a leader, to remain visionary, to see into people's hearts. Boy, that does sound arrogant!  But when I write such things, I write them to remind you that such strength lies in you, too.  I have no special gift, other than survival.  If you want to know the Truth, you will find the truth. If you want to see yourself, you will see yourself. In relationships, you already know what is right and wrong, good and bad...but because of fear, we hide ourselves from the real and the perfect.  We think we know what we want, but wanting changes from day to day...

The Word of God, the Sacraments, the Practice of the Presence of God, the true humbling of oneself to God, the earnest desire to speak the truth to ourselves and others, to love ourselves and others...to befriend our blessings and our faults. To help each other get through each day. To let others help us to get through each day.  Not just to pray without ceasing, but to forgive without ceasing..To accept that we will never be perfect except in God.

I only state the obvious. This is not systematic theology.  It is the theology of the heart. The physical heart will wear out one day, but the spiritual heart lives with and in God forever. Enjoy it. He wants us to be happy. He wants us to dance.

Love, Cindy