Trying to 'pace myself' here at the hospital, I've got the movie Apollo 13 playing on Netflix. I have not prayed as much as I would have liked, not as much as yesterday definitely...and that bothers me. I really expect things to get busier here as the night progresses, but I have so much on my mind...not the least of which is the dent Fr. B made in my mind early this morning. Suddenly I am aware he is going to be very important in where I go next. And how I go. Part of me knew this earlier, but I have just realized it as truth rather than idea.
The last few days have been filled with unexpected things and events. Some parts I have handled very well, others could have been better. I think part of me is in shock, realizi....
^^^^^^^^
That was the first eight hours of my shift...the second eight were a blur. Two deaths. One family had a strong faith in God, the other did not. One, someone who had a chance to live life a bit. The other hadn't been on the planet too long. Team members showed up. There was no good news to share at all. The days ahead will be dark for them. Lots of unanswered questions, lots of wondering if God is really there at all. I never stopped moving.
I asked the nurse, "Is this a normal night?"
She said, "For a weekend? Yes. Could be worse." I know even the nurses gave me a wide berth, though. I said, "Why didn't you tell me about X?" and was told, "You were busy with Y." They understood balance better than me. They've seen a lot of suffering.
Pray for nurses and doctors and firemen and policemen. They don't have the collar. But they do God's work all night long while we sleep. I watched a few of them drop into the chapel at the beginning or the end of their shifts. Silent and heads bowed. It isn't too hard to know a bit about their prayers.
I simply don't know how anyone can get through this life without God. I can see getting angry with God. Screaming at God, deliberately ignoring God...but not to have God, at least for that unexplained heaviness that stays with us sometimes...I just don't know how anyone live a life without God.
I wrote "We just lost the moon." Tom Hanks said that, playing the character of Lovell, the commander of Apollo 13. What can you say, or do...you work hard, you do what you think is right, you jump through all of the hoops...you love your neighbor, feed the poor, visit those in prison...and then something just happens...and, in a split second...everything you dreamed of goes away. You did everything right...but you look up...and realize you just lost the moon...
Saw that twice last night in explcit ways. The perfect husband, the one you finally found, the one you waited for for so very long...a group of people surround him, trying to bring him back to you,,,and then they stop trying, heads down...and you are already crying because you could feel it in the air, long before they knew...you knew...you were losing the moon...
Or your child, you look at them, those trying to save a life...and gently say, "Stop." I know he's not there anymore, you think. You are so very brave...and you wish that you never had to know that about yourself. The baby you brought into the world, loved, protected, cherished...in an instant, you had to let go of the dream, the hope...the possibility.
So I guess that's what I am processing now. Do we stop trying because everything we dreamed of has just disappeared? Do we live in fear of what might be taken away from us next? Do we lash out in anger, destroying our own lives or others in response to what we lost? Do we rend our clothes and wish we had never been born?
Grief. That is our gift from God. Like love, if we use it wisely and carefully, it will bless us.
In this Advent time, the time of waiting...and hoping...it is also a time of grieving. The only way we can receive something new is if we let go of the something past. When are hands are full, we have no way to reach out, to receive the gift that is coming. It is hard to let go of a treasure, especially when it was such a beautiful treasure, and was so good to us...a child suddenly taken away, a husband, a mother, a beloved pet, a job...the use of one's legs, or hands...a best friend, a home...
In Advent, as we wait again for The Gift of Him into our world, we must again try to realize that He is there for us and with us and in us, when created things leave us...when dreams and goals change...that truly into our darkness will come a Great Light, and that Light will never leave us.
We only have to open our hearts to it. And the moon...ah well, the moon...
perhaps will remind us to dream again...and He will be there, dreaming with us.
Love, Cindy
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