s Reading 2 Heb 5:1-6
Brothers and sisters:
Every high priest is taken from among men
and made their representative before God,
to offer gifts and sacrifices for sins.
He is able to deal patiently with the ignorant and erring,
for he himself is beset by weakness
and so, for this reason, must make sin offerings for himself
as well as for the people.
No one takes this honor upon himself
but only when called by God,
just as Aaron was.
In the same way,
it was not Christ who glorified himself in becoming high priest,
but rather the one who said to him:
You are my son:
this day I have begotten you;
just as he says in another place:
You are a priest forever
according to the order of Melchizedek.
Every high priest is taken from among men
and made their representative before God,
to offer gifts and sacrifices for sins.
He is able to deal patiently with the ignorant and erring,
for he himself is beset by weakness
and so, for this reason, must make sin offerings for himself
as well as for the people.
No one takes this honor upon himself
but only when called by God,
just as Aaron was.
In the same way,
it was not Christ who glorified himself in becoming high priest,
but rather the one who said to him:
You are my son:
this day I have begotten you;
just as he says in another place:
You are a priest forever
according to the order of Melchizedek.
I have always been curious about Melchizedek. He seems to be very important in all of this salvation history and yet, so little is known...or perhaps so little is told...about him. In a fun little book, "The Alchemist," by Paulo Coehlo, the protagonist runs into Melchizedek early in the story. Melchizedek recognizes immediately that the boy listens to the earth and is attentive to the signs around him. Melchizedek gives the boy a small bag with two precious stones, one black and one white. The boy almost never 'consults' the stones, and one time, when he tried, one of the stones fell out of the bag through a little hole, onto the ground.
I have always wanted to understand Melchizedek, and why the Incarnation of God on earth might be compared to this king. In my little world of understanding, I would think that one might compare something lesser to the greatest, and not the other way around.
But those words ring for me, without understanding, belong to me: You are a priest forever according to the order of Melchizedek. Sounds a bit insane, perhaps...me being a girl...woman...female...and all. Nevertheless, when I hear them, my heart races and I feel the great desire to pick up my sword and walk into the battle that I know I will lose...and die for that which I was created.
Further examination into the text, I find that I really don't want the job. I have acted out, during my life, in such ways, that would make an earthly trial convict me of grave error and sin. Part of me has done this because I always knew I could never be, would never be, that which I was called to be. If you know who you are...and you know the world wants no part of you...then you commit suicide: physically, spiritually, emotionally...sometimes you commit violence against yourself and/or others, secretly naming your sin of hope, and then disappear from any greatness God may have called you to be. You give up. You settle. You kill yourself off because believing in the truth of who you are just hurts too much.
Now, because of the games people play...people who have power...and want to keep power...many others gives their souls away in an effort to survive. We must never condemn another for their choices, we never know what their hearts might be telling them, we do not know their pain. (Be certain, I am not suggesting an ignorance of sin here, but in a more general term, choices) But we do hold them accountable when they harm or exploit others...you know...those Ten Commandment things...these must be maintained for humankind to survive. They are simple and they are hard, but they allow society to survive and possibly thrive when followed in mercy and grace.
I am not asking the world to change. I am simply wondering how I am supposed to live in it, given how God made me. If there is truly order ad reason in all created things, there where do I belong? Why this life? Why now?
I am not asking the world to change. I am simply wondering how I am supposed to live in it, given how God made me. If there is truly order ad reason in all created things, there where do I belong? Why this life? Why now?
Existential questions that all of us face at one time or another. How much of who we are do we give up in order to fit in? How much compromise can we bear before lose sight or who we are and whose we are?
*******
Do I believe I am called to be a priest? Yes. Is believing that a sin? No. There is a difference between thought and action. Although thoughts can lead to action, our free will let's us choose. What we do with out thoughts, that is a marker of our character. And our ability to discipline our actions and regulate ourselves. I have two books by Piper: one called "Faith, Hope and Love" and the other, "The Four Virtues." I think all the laws and admonitions we have in our Catholic Church are not designed to ondemn us (although most of us use them that way), they are there to set us free. Some people enjoy beating other people with words...or a stick...and act a bit like Eve in the garden, taking a "restriction" (do not eat the fruit of the tree) and exaggerating it (lest you will die- God did not say that), and trying to shove erroneous doctrine down the throats of people whose lives may make them uncomfortable.
Sometimes, I think the first sin was the sin of exaggeration. God speaks to us...and we run off with it...and write a thousand words about it...and suddenly we realize we completely forgot what God said.
And so did I. I struggle with my identity. But I do not struggle with my work. My work, I know. My work...gives my life the greatest love and satisfaction and peace. And I did not find it easily. I took the hard way. I always do.
*******
I started this entry a few days ago. I always get weird inside when I have to face the "call to be a priest" Sunday. I tried to be a Methodist minister. It did not satisfy me. I was still too proud to do much of anything good. I did do good work though. But, I still was not that for which I was called. I had to go back into the woods, or into the fire...and learn...and burn...off those things which were standing in the way. I am still trying allow God to burn them off. Without question, it hurts.
A conversation this week with a woman who needs to make a choice. She had many visitors over the week. I was just one more, but I named the elephant in the room. "You want a good death." She nodded. And so we talked about what a good death might look like. I was praying like a crazy woman in my head while we talked. How many words should I say? What is enough? What is too little? I thought about the little boy I met earlier in the week, facing the same challenge. Are they that different? We must talk about what we fear...or the fear will destroy us...in our thoughts. The unnamed dragons and elephants that wander around in our heads...are more dangerous than any cancer. Paul is right, we do not need to fear that which can kill the body. We should fear that which can kill the soul.
And that is what I do, as best I can. Or perhaps, I try to empty myself so completely, so that God can use me to heal them. That is my prayer. To be His hands, His feet...His heart.
The first box says I will never be that for which I am called.
But there was a second box.
It didn't give me a name yet.
It simply said: Do the work.
Love, Cindy
Do I believe I am called to be a priest? Yes. Is believing that a sin? No. There is a difference between thought and action. Although thoughts can lead to action, our free will let's us choose. What we do with out thoughts, that is a marker of our character. And our ability to discipline our actions and regulate ourselves. I have two books by Piper: one called "Faith, Hope and Love" and the other, "The Four Virtues." I think all the laws and admonitions we have in our Catholic Church are not designed to ondemn us (although most of us use them that way), they are there to set us free. Some people enjoy beating other people with words...or a stick...and act a bit like Eve in the garden, taking a "restriction" (do not eat the fruit of the tree) and exaggerating it (lest you will die- God did not say that), and trying to shove erroneous doctrine down the throats of people whose lives may make them uncomfortable.
Sometimes, I think the first sin was the sin of exaggeration. God speaks to us...and we run off with it...and write a thousand words about it...and suddenly we realize we completely forgot what God said.
And so did I. I struggle with my identity. But I do not struggle with my work. My work, I know. My work...gives my life the greatest love and satisfaction and peace. And I did not find it easily. I took the hard way. I always do.
*******
I started this entry a few days ago. I always get weird inside when I have to face the "call to be a priest" Sunday. I tried to be a Methodist minister. It did not satisfy me. I was still too proud to do much of anything good. I did do good work though. But, I still was not that for which I was called. I had to go back into the woods, or into the fire...and learn...and burn...off those things which were standing in the way. I am still trying allow God to burn them off. Without question, it hurts.
A conversation this week with a woman who needs to make a choice. She had many visitors over the week. I was just one more, but I named the elephant in the room. "You want a good death." She nodded. And so we talked about what a good death might look like. I was praying like a crazy woman in my head while we talked. How many words should I say? What is enough? What is too little? I thought about the little boy I met earlier in the week, facing the same challenge. Are they that different? We must talk about what we fear...or the fear will destroy us...in our thoughts. The unnamed dragons and elephants that wander around in our heads...are more dangerous than any cancer. Paul is right, we do not need to fear that which can kill the body. We should fear that which can kill the soul.
And that is what I do, as best I can. Or perhaps, I try to empty myself so completely, so that God can use me to heal them. That is my prayer. To be His hands, His feet...His heart.
The first box says I will never be that for which I am called.
But there was a second box.
It didn't give me a name yet.
It simply said: Do the work.
Love, Cindy
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