I perhaps waste a lot of energy on wanting what the boys have...(and no, that is NOT what I want!). And when I take a step back, I start to see how silly it would be to try to be a boy...that was never my goal. My goal has always been to serve God with every cell of my body. I'm not sure why that matters so much, but it does.
And every step closer to human death seems to make it more urgent...it makes me more hungry to love well...and to live well. The last 24 hours have been very full of thoughts. Yesterday morning, I was on a tear about how to motivate the women I am blessed to be with...to get them fired up about the great beauty and joy of their own creation...and I was literally flying around my house...finding all the little trinkets and smiley things that people have given me over the years since I began ministry work some fifteen years ago.
And it all began when my husband left me...left us...me and the kids...because, at least he said, "I can't handle the stress anymore." (this coming from a man who doesn't joke when he says, "I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you.) Let me be fair, he's a good enough guy...but he can't see God...and I couldn't make him see God. But in my heart, I am still hopeful that someday he will understand why it got so messed up...and he will find his way to the good life.
I mention that today because recently, I was in conversation with someone I had just met. In the course of our talk, I said something and she looked shocked. She said, "You're not married?! But you look so much in love!"
I rolled my eyes and looked up to heaven...
"I'm in love with God."
And that struck her as a totally new and foreign idea.
"You are that happy without a man?"
(Oh, how hard it was to laugh only a little!)
And we had a great talk about what love is and is not. At least from my perspective. Which is damaged. And I owned that. And as we talked (she was so beautifully articulate and honest), I started to see another of those God moments where I am used to help someone else and God is using the Other to help me. All this praying...all this worry and fear...and this sweet stranger affirms for me that I have not lost my 'being in love' with God.
I have been trying to get my head around what is happening to me. I have had some powerful conversations this week, and as I looked up last night to the moon growing full, I knew God and creation were working with me to calm me. I feel determined to deal with the physical challenge as I deal with everything else...not in the ways the world expects. I know there will come a day when it most likely will blow up in my face...but that day is not today. As soon as I have overcome a few more fears, I will go to the gym...and see if I can handle the toys there. When I decided to do things a bit differently...my body seems to be feeling better...the scary noises it was making last week have stopped for now. And I seem to be assimilating iron better. All the positive comments about my 'appearance' yesterday seemed to affirm a movement in the right direction.
Yesterday, I spent some time with some of the women of the Bible. There is a tendency to think that men made history because...well...men wrote the history. They had time...women were raising children, educating them, baking, cleaning, sewing, washing...and praying. Some women did huge and wonderous things, like Esther...others did simple things, like Rebekah...some laughed, like Sarah...some were loyal, like Ruth...some brave, like Deborah...and some so humble...their womb and their blood mixed together to create the One fully human (of Mary's blood) and fully Divine (of God's everlasting bloodlife)...and so many others who did not make it into the books yet changed the world.
I saw on the news this morning a totally foolish news story about women being allowed into combat...and how having women in the crossfire would ultimately lead to more losses in small battles. The reporter tried to be confrontational using an argument about African Americans not being allowed to fight, but the historian would not bend to her thoughts.
There are some places where it is better that women not engage.
Can you believe I said that? Women are women...and should do women things. Men are men and should do men things. Okay, not a blanket statement or a rule here...free will is important...but I don't think the male-female attraction can be ignored, particularly in stressful situations. If you mind is not on your job...then lives will be lost.
Looking at it from another point of view: women on the front line might just wake the world up to the reality of how stupid and wasteful war is anyway. I get the feeling that men like to fight, they have energy to use up and football, wrestling...and war almost seems natural to them...part of their hormones perhaps, just as women are drawn to attachment and life giving events...but the darker side of women, prone to jealousies and power...are more subtle. What they lack in strength they make up for in cleverness.
Ah...I have just gone full circle, haven't I? Oh well...the women who want to be in battle, be in battle. But don't whine about it. It is what it is. Ugly. Unjust. Bloody. Even if you win.
And I thought I was going to be profound today...alas!
Dear Lord,
Teach me to pray. Teach me to think. Teach me to write.
Love, Cindy
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