Just finished reading book 2 of Hunger Games. Opted for finishing that instead of Mass. I am concerned a bit, that my prayer life is changing again. I am still praying rigorously, on many levels, but that "die-hard" Catholicism than once held me is not so strong anymore.
I suppose there is a certain reality to the connection between the student and the teacher. I have no teacher anymore. Perhaps I have learned what I was supposed to learn, or God would have provided one, and instilled in me a desire to seek that one out...but now, there is a kind of nothingness that is only mildly sad.
I had hoped that the Catholic Church might provide for me some existential answers to my existence, my survival...but that hope is gone. That trust, that innocence...will never return. Perhaps it was just a shadow anyway. I tried to submit, or bend, myself to the will of an outsider; but again, God shows me that what God and I have...is not defined by any church, no matter how beautiful it may be. The institution of the Church is still a finite, man-made, man-run kind of thing. Beautiful, yes. Practical, yes. But God is so much more than that.
I write that because, in my current state of affairs, I now recognize the patterns of the classic interpretations of "Church." I understand the functions better. Last Sunday, I observed a charismatic young priest say his goodbyes to a congregation that obviously loved him. He's being sent off to hell now...the perimeters of a military base where the challenges will be less romantic or sentimental. He will now be confronted with life and death issues that are far more in need of a holy man than us lucky ones who live in pleasant, although challenging surroundings. It is one thing to deal with cancer or the death of a loved one. It is another thing to deal with people who have been told to kill for their country, to leave their families behind, to deal with the unceasing stress of the great contradictions between God and Country. I shall pray without ceasing for him.
But I finally realize that the priest, in all his pretty clothes, cannot provide for me the great consolation I seek. These are a different kind of warrior, perhaps given a bit too much power...but desperately needed in the dark times our world is facing.
I looked to them for inspiration, for the courage to continue...but I find little inspiration there now, finally realizing that, although I tried to believe it, not one of them has my back. I suppose God knew I had learned what I needed for now...and most importantly, I needed to know what I read in the psalms each month: trust no man.
But that does not mean that we are not part of some team, some confederation, assembled together to fight for the good, to protect the weak, to ensure the respect for human, creature and planet. Given to our own ways, we are quite selfish creatures. We often desire for ourselves and others only what we think is true and good and correct... but we are blinded by our own humanity, and quest for power. And that includes the so-called timid woman, who will do anything to keep her man happy...this is just a backdoor approach to power. It is who we are as human beings. OK, it is who I am. I strive to be Mother Teresa in my actions, but my humanness makes that hard to do.
So I didn't go to Mass today. Deliberately. On July 4th. Feels a bit like a sin. But I know the drive is long and the homily will be uninspiring...at least, that is how it feels right now. I suppose I am grieving in a way. This country is disappointing. Not just by the selfish hungers of our congress, or the power-seekers in Austin...but the everyday machinations that I encounter on FB and in my little community. It is so easy to give up and let evil win.
I'm pissed because I don't have a "fearless leader" to reach out to...I want my fairy tale to continue, I want my happy ending.
Then it dawns on me. If you want good, do good. If you want peace, be peace. If you want forgiveness, forgive. If you are hungry, feed others. If you are lonely, be a friend. If you are poor, then open your damn arms and let them take the rest of you. If you want a leader, then be one.
And then...when you've given what you think is all you have away...
you will understand
that independence
is not about
telling the world to go to hell
or letting the world go to hell
but independence
sort of means
in dependence...
in dependence of God, of neighbor, of self.
In dependence of God, because it is through God that we have life at all
In dependence of neighbor, because I cannot be free unless my brother/sister is free
In dependence of self, by acknowledging that who I am and what I do matters...
Love, Cindy
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