That's the title. Am I ready to write down what that actually means? I think...not yet...and probably not here. But such was the way my day began yesterday: with Mass. I was reminded again, in confession, that I should attend because it is part of my spiritual discipline, my spiritual vow to God. Things I do because I desire to do them are points of devotion for me. I do them, I practice them, out of love and possibly desire.
I recognize that truth I learned when I was studying social psychology: change the behavior and the attitude will follow. The adage "You are what you eat" can be also defined by "You are what you do." That's the whole point of religion. With or without faith, if you continually act in love, not so much in reason, you will find yourself believing in something greater than yourself. For those who follow the law only will die by the law...and the law is harsh and cold and unforgiving.
Teenagers are the greatest proof of the Law. They reason out the loopholes in it, they play with words...to get what they desire...and to defeat parenting at every turn. Only when they are caught by the law, and are offered mercy and forgiveness, do they begin to realize the beauty of the law.
The story of the Prodigal is always the most perfect way to explain Law and Mercy. The younger son bargains openly for his passions, while the older son bargains subversively...the younger one is redeemed but we never know, from the story, if they older one is redeemed. He seems to not yet be ready. He wants the Law to save him...and the Law will only take him so far...
For me, I have always felt the Law was much of human foolishness's attempt to rule over others for the benefit of a particular select group of individuals. I recognize the power of the Law and how the powerful use the Law to maintain their power. I recognize the need for order in any society, and often, I see the wisdom in why and how a particular country governs itself. I don't always agree with the choices, but I can understand them, have sympathy for them...and still recognize the injustice of them.
So I opt for God. Beginning, end and middle. Only God can rule us all with appropriate compassion and bias for the good of all. Some people place all of that into the hands of the Magisterium. I can do that to a certain level, but I confess, I cannot and will not worship a human invention. I still expect personal revelation to teach me who, what and how to trust.
I have taken the Hard Way to the Truth. It's not so much the Church, (Roman Catholic), but again, it falls back on words and ideas, which are so easily misunderstood. And the administration is by people, who are so very human. Good priests and bad priests. Priests and bishops seduced by power, thinking they are better than others, can choose for another human being. Should choose for another human being. Parenting. But even parenting is not static. It changes as the child grows...or the child never grows. I am both the repentant son and the son who stands at the door...
This new Pope Francis, what a gift he is to us! What an answer to my prayers! The simple mind may think that I am drawn to him because what he might "do for me" and my thought is to want to slap the face that might think that, once again, someone judging me by their own prejudice...still rooted in the idea that women cannot think, or be, or do...anything but be on their knees to or for some man. (Yes, I still have to work on forgiving others who continually treat me like an object...I have never claimed to be without sin)...but so much more that the so silly male/female wars that will never end, this Pope doesn't want to be sucked into time-wasting battles for power...he seems to be truly focused on service/social justice and love. The rest is so incredibly unimportant. I suspect he will never escape the attacks he is facing...on those who like the status quo, or subscribe to "clericalism" (oh, I just learned about that word recently...and it fits) This Pope is a Jesuit.
I have been doing some reading on the evolutionary states of...shall I call it...Christological Anthropology? We have something wonderful: Jesus Christ, with a grand idea and way to live. He returns to heaven...and we start taking his ideas...and stretching them...some good, some bad. People complain, people rebel (consider I Kings and II Kings/ I and II Chronicles: the age of Kings and Judges), create something new...something new is good...until...it becomes not good. Always someone comes along, paying attention to the rules, and thus the loopholes. And there is rebellion, rebirth, conservative and liberal...over and over and over again...
Jesuits were part of that game. Excesses of the Church caused the desire for change. Perhaps education was the solution. I'd consider the Jesuits the fathers of education. But it is in the vows that true holy power is maintained with some sort of balance. It is a combination of discipline and devotion (you thought I forgot, didn't you)...
Poverty
Chastity
Obedience.
Poverty: the ability to trust God for all one's basic needs, to have things but to never be attached to them, to be able to walk away from any possession if you are able to see that someone else needs it more...the charism of Hospitality. This is true social justice. This one allows others to trust you because you will not seek material gain.
Chastity: to give oneself completely, and of free will, to God. To make the most intimate bond to God alone, to God first. To never allow any human being or anything created separate ones'self from God. It is a holy marriage that should be respected by those who believe...and create fear of punishment for those who don't. Perfection of this vow allows a person to not become seduced by power...human power...and no one will suspect you have ulterior motives to take that which belongs to someone else.
Obedience: the hardest of all. To become submissive to God's will. To become submissive to your superior, trusting that the superior is also following and respecting the same vows. This one is so hard for me...I have seen such abuse by others who have been given power...so I have not yet sorted this one out. But in terms of evangelization and ministry, I understand it is necessary that each of us swear an allegiance to a higher power, or we can become despots...or some other horrible evil...we must always bend to God's will and not our own...for we do not see clearly about anything. Ever.
Previous Popes have not been required to take such vows...particularly the vow of poverty, which is a challenge for people who are used to being comfortable...expect to be comfortable. This new Jesuit Pope is teaching the world that the Church is not about opulence or pretty accouterments. It is truly about helping others find love and peace in God...I like that just fine.
So about my morning prayers today: All of this seemed to be on my mind, as I was praying, huddling under my covers...beginning with:
Thank you, Jesus....which evolved into Help me, Jesus...which moved into Forgive me, Jesus...and then into Heal me, Jesus...and finally into Love me, Jesus.
And I was a bit surprised by the order of my prayers. I always believed that Thank you was the end of all prayers...but I began to realize that, while it is a kind of summit, it is also the beginning of prayer.
To be grateful is the beginning of prayer.
Wow. You gave me this life, this bed, this warm blanket, this music...a head that can think...and worry too much...you gave it all to me. Without you, I would not be here...thank you, Jesus.
Then, it's like, I'm not living life in freedom, I know I am not free, I need your help to be free. I can't do this along. I'm afraid. Help me, Jesus.
Then I thought, yes, I really have not lived up to the gifts I've been given...I am sad about that, I feel badly about it...so, please forgive me Jesus, Forgive me, Jesus, for not using my gifts...for not working more to bring your kingdom to earth...and then I thought, the only way to do the work, is to be healed of my sins, not just forgiven, but healed of them...so they won't get in the way again...so they won't drag me down...talk me out of trying to do good, to be good...Heal me, Jesus...and then I thought, how to be healed...the only way is through love...oh, Jesus...love me, Jesus...give me the power to surrender, to be obedient to your scary love, to let you love me...
Poverty, chastity, obedience. It's all there, somewhere, in the prayers.
I guess it's not for everyone...
just those that want to go through the door...
and into the party
that celebrates the life
of someone else
who found his way
home.
Holy Innocence returns.
Love, Cindy
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