Some who choose to read this already know this one. One who knows handed me an eraser at a team meeting. She said she thought of me and had to buy it. I've been getting a few erasers from friends lately. It's nice.
When I was in Catholic School, the nuns broke off all the erasers from our pencils. If we got caught erasing, our paper was ceremoniously wadded up into a ball in front of the entire class and we were given a zero on the assignment.
Seeing that large woman, dressed mostly in black, stand before me with her pointer (often used as a weapon...excuse me, disciplinary tool) and crumble up my written work was traumatic sometimes. Let me be clear, though, we were allowed to draw a SINGLE LINE through a mistake. Two lines through an error would also receive a zero. Rules were very important to the nuns.
I suppose that's why I always set my sights on breaking them. But always for a good reason, always with the belief that I was performing some kind of civil disobedience. I was correcting, drawing attention to, something that I perceived was an injustice. All because I was not allowed to use an eraser.
Did I mention I write in hyperbole?
I mentioned that (about erasers) after a meditation one evening to the group of women I was with. Several women remembered and brought me erasers. Made me smile.
That's one way I view grace. Kind of an eraser God gives us so that we can get on with our lives. Perhaps a poor analogy, but I lived in an environment where forgiveness was rarely shared. I used to write about this issue a lot. I have relatives that let their siblings die alone over a diamond ring that was given to the wrong person, or because a birthday card came late, or maybe the Christmas present looked a little cheap. Or perhaps the wrapping didn't look like it was done with care.
I responded to all this foolishness my deliberately living a bit like a bohemian. I eat with my fingers, my housekeeping is atrocious, sometimes I wear my clothes two days in a row because I don't want to think about them too much (maybe THAT'S why I want to be a priest--the clothes are always the same!)I don't wrap gifts, I generally tell people thank you in person, I don't care if anyone remembers my birthday, I'd rather have your presence than your presents...I just live day to day.
I write that and know that today, it was clear I did care about something that happened a long time ago...still, and I had to give it over to God again. So I don't do it perfectly, but I keep trying.
But I was with a family after a death last Saturday and slowly...or perhaps quickly, some truths were told. I think that is important in those moments...you will never be braver than in a crisis, and what better person to share something with than someone you probably will never see again...and doesn't know about you and won't judge. But I could see the pride rising up, remarks about who wasn't present and why. Because I'm a volunteer at this work, I step a bit out. I make a general statement that mercy and grace needs to flow through the days ahead. Be gentle with each other...even with the ones you don't want to see. Lean into God's grace and mercy...I say this to people who when I pray, do not even know the Our Father (Lord's Prayer).
I always get a sadness inside when I pull that prayer into my impromptu prayers. To have gone through a life without knowing just those words from God breaks my heart. How does one live without God? Life is just to hard to do it alone.
And these sweet people definitely needed erasers. I could tell the next few days would bring forth anger and bitterness, just as I knew when I woke up that I would face at least one death that day. Certain things, like old people who can tell when its going to rain, I often know ahead of time what the day will probably bring.
But God surprises me to. And He makes me laugh. He brings to me exactly what I need and exactly when I need it. And it is all Him. Never me.
I walk into a hospital room or a nursing home room and He's already there. He knows how to make the encounter perfect. I am always aware when I try to force His hand...and sadly, there are days I still do.
I told my group last night at our Bible Study a bit more about Catholics. Most of them like it. At least one only tolerates me. In a discussion about the Book of Revelation, one asked about the Bride image. I told them, the nuns "marry" Jesus/God. The priest "marries" the Church(the Church is the Bride). That's kind of why the celibacy thing works. Those in deep service to God are betrothed. I also said that I thought the women get the better end of the deal. Definitely.
Point being I am, and I think we all are, much better off letting God run the show. However smart I might be, I still won't see all the variables in a situation. I need to give it to God. Let His mercy and grace take me where I need to be...and I had to suggest that to this family. I put the words on the table. They have every right to say no. But it needs to be offered.
Remember to offer God's word to each other...and especially to strangers. Remember to receive the mercy and grace yourself. Then give it away. It will grow into a beautiful garden for all of us.
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