Passion Week

Last week, before the retreat, while trying to find books to take along with me, I came across Henri Nouwen's "Show Me the Way." That is a book with excerpts from his other books, designed to walk us through Lent. I bought the book back in 1986, while I was walking through my divorce...a desert too many people have walked. SInce then, I never 'find' this book before Lent. It is always somewhere in the middle. This time, I found it the morning I was heading to the Arboretum with my church. God always has a plan for me. He knows what I need and when I need it. That was the day I needed to be reminded of my past Lents. And they were there, all over the margins.

Hebrews 10:35-36 My pastor Keith Cupples left me a phone message at work the day after we had a rather intense conversation. He didn't say anything other than this: "Do not lose your fearlessness now, for you will need endurance to receive that which God has promised." In the next day or two, I found the book and began another new journey.

I was just beginning to think about being a "Christian" again. The lifestyle was not deliberately part of my life back then. I spent a lot of my time hating the so-called Christians who had taken over the Republican party. I believed that forced Christianity is not Christianity at all. Psalm 51 I think...you cannot force someone to believe in God. It just won't stay. Free will is essential to faith. "Choose this day who you will serve."

I suppose I was so broken up over my life falling to pieces, it would have been impossible for me to stop God from spilling into all the holes in me...but the truth is that something really ugly could have poured itself in me, too...which should remind all of us to pay attention to our brothers and sisters. When they hurt, they will be seeking solace...and we'd better be ready to offer them the food that lasts. They will fill the holes, as brothers and sisters in Christ, we need to give them good food.

So my path back to God is found in the pages of that book. It was during Lent that I finally placed a cross around my neck again. That was a big step. Claiming God even in the midst of the fundamentalist furor of the day. I wanted God anyway. I needed God anyway...politics aside, I can't let that get in the way of my own healing. I remember the night. I remember the day. I remember the blessing I received. I remember kneeling at the altar on the kneeler used for weddings. Damn, even then, He had me...the only real love of my life took me at the altar...met me more than halfway...put a cross around my neck and now a ring on my finger.

Never His slave. Only His daughter.

I've just been slow on the uptake. Still, He waits. Waits for me to wake up.

He waits for you, too.

Love,
Cindy