Non Nobis

Tried to get into the prison to visit a friend this week. Found out that I couldn't bring a gift, I couldn't bring a Bible, I couldn't bring Communion. Only my car keys and an ID. I can't even begin to imagine what it is like to be in prison, and I don't think I really ever want to know personally, what it would be like.

I saw the people sitting in chairs, waiting their turns to visit. I saw one woman talking with someone over a TV monitor. The woman in front of me had a little boy with her, a tall 2 year old, I found out. She helped me with the rules. Another woman with a little girl behind me...these children, coming to prison to visit their fathers. Just thinking about it could knock me down, so I'm not sure I want to think about it very much.

We all must be held accountable to our choices. All of us. All the time. I ate not one, but two ice cream bars yesterday. Today my jeans are uncomfortable. I needed the ice cream. God is showing me things I don't want to see right now. Suffering that I have not had time to think about, intellectualize, swallow.

That whole humility thing that happened to me at St James is still happening to me. A different kind of wound. Are you prepared to count the cost and go the distance anyway? He asks me.

But really, what choice do I have, God? To see the Samaritan on the side of the road and just keep walking? How can I walk away, I, who have been given so much, without earning it or deserving it, how can I walk away?

I had a conversation with someone earlier this week. Jesus forgave the repentant thief. And I found my mouth saying: Jesus knew all of his (the repentant thief) sins. What is his sin was more than a thief, but maybe he was a child molester or a murderer? Would God forgive those sins? The answer, of course, is yes, if the sinner is contrite and repentant. But it does take our minds (well my mind at least) to a different place. And what if Jesus was hanging on the cross next to a child molester? Would it make a difference in how we understand salvation? So we confess to a priest that we hit our brothers. We confess that we are jealous of our friends. We got angry with a coworker.

It all just seems so different as I am just beginning to be exposed to people with great sufferings. I don't know how to explain it.

I am being pushed to something new. I don't know what it is yet, and when I get there, I may not be able to write about it. Humility is across the board. What I do for the person in Las Colinas should be the same as what I do for the person at the Samaritan Inn. I should see them both with equally compassionate eyes. I should not envy one and pity the other. Can I receive into my heart each without judgment? Can I love unconditionally?

What am I going to do when I walk into that prison? How can I offer hope and healing?
***********************
From last week's readings: Corinthians 6:1-11
Brothers and sisters:
How can any one of you with a case against another
dare to bring it to the unjust for judgment
instead of to the holy ones?
Do you not know that the holy ones will judge the world?
If the world is to be judged by you,
are you unqualified for the lowest law courts?
Do you not know that we will judge angels?
Then why not everyday matters?
If, therefore, you have courts for everyday matters,
do you seat as judges people of no standing in the Church?
I say this to shame you.
Can it be that there is not one among you wise enough
to be able to settle a case between brothers?
But rather brother goes to court against brother,
and that before unbelievers?

Now indeed then it is, in any case,
a failure on your part that you have lawsuits against one another.
Why not rather put up with injustice?
Why not rather let yourselves be cheated?
Instead, you inflict injustice and cheat, and this to brothers.
Do you not know that the unjust will not inherit the Kingdom of God?
Do not be deceived;
neither fornicators nor idolaters nor adulterers
nor boy prostitutes nor sodomites nor thieves
nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor robbers
will inherit the Kingdom of God.
That is what some of you used to be;
but now you have had yourselves washed, you were sanctified,
you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ
and in the Spirit of our God.
***********************************
Good News? Pretty harsh stuff. But we all fall short in God's eyes. Only mercy and grace will get us home. That's the good news.

So how do I love well? The biggest problem in Corinth was pride. Everyone was all about being on top. The winners, the smart ones, the clever ones, the holy ones...my spiritual gift is better than your spiritual gift...God loves me more...

And Paul tries to take them down a notch or two. Remember what you used to be. Remember why you are here. Remember what you are supposed to do. Remember who brought you back from hell. And be grateful.

How am I going to love them well? How do I get close without losing myself? How do I know what is enough and what is too much? How do I make certain that it is never, ever about me...insofar as it is not supposed to be about me? I mean, self-examination and reflection, the Ignatian Examen must be a part of this journey or I will fail. Humility means looking into the whole mirror, not just the parts we like. But it also means looking at my own wrinkles but not beating myself up over them.

Oh, Lord, this is so hard and I am not ready.

Be certain, I am saying yes to whatever God asks of me. Even if it ends poorly. And that kind of surrender feels pretty good.

I found myself is pleasant consolations yesterday, even in the midst of the 'heavens Lord, you don't really want me to do that?' In the midst of wondering about how I will approach the new ministries before me, I am excited, knowing that I will grow even more in a child of God...that with each challenge, I become more in union with Him and less need for human approval. For me, this is huge. And a paradox.

Loving better means less attachments. One of the goals of monasticism is to find peace in the chaos. If I go, it should not be because I desire to hide from the world, but that I might be able to love it more completely. It's not about me, but it is about me. When I am small, You are large. When I am weak, You are strong...so let me boast about my weakness, if in doing so, you begin to understand all the little deaths and resurrections in your own life, that draw you into Him who loved you first.

Psalm 115:1 in the King James Version.
It reads...
Non nobis, Domine, non nobis,
[Not to us, Lord, not to us]
Sed nomini tuo da gloriam.
[But to Thy name give the glory]

Love, Cindy