Providence

I remember one of my best friend's in high school, Sam Crawford, tried to get me to understand that word when he so graciously took me on as a debate partner. I was not much of a debater...at least in a formal way. I only learned about things that I really liked, and I did not equate debate with, say, tennis, where the goal is to make your opponent trip up. In competitive debate, you learn both sides of the argument so that you can win. It does not matter who is right, it matters who wins.

I don't get much pleasure out of winning. I enjoy the competition, the pleasure that someone else is making me do my best when I might otherwise be lazy or slothful, but winning is not my goal. Staying in the game is my goal. And I am not always too good at that either. That is probably why God continually puts in my situations that require me to defend myself.

Providence. "A manifestation of divine care or direction." Or as Mary Ann would say: "God moments." Everything happens for a reason. My life has been traumatic and terrible, and exquisite and divine. So much good and so much bad that I don't care too much about who wins or loses because I see the big picture. God wins. Everything else is just adventure.

So we should live out the best adventure that we can. That does not mean immorality. We need that cardinal virtues Aquinas writes about...but perhaps in not so a clinical way. We need a moral code: temperance, prudence, integrity, fortitude...I think that's them. I don't have the book here and with all the little bodies in the house, don't want to wake them. (That one is prudence, I think, caring about others enough to want for their good--"tis a far, far better thing I do than I have ever done before"...I have done that once this year...and I may have to do it twice...and it hurts like hell, but I can see the big picture and there is a time for holding on and letting go. As a woman, that is one of the hardest things we will ever have to do. First hold on, then let go.

We have to hold our babies in our womb, caring for them, giving them our own flesh and blood, our own food, sharing their heartbeat with us, letting them take part of our life away...and then birth them, forcing them into an unpredictable environment where their lives will be in danger now and then. We must teach them how to live and how to love well enough to survive. And if we can, we teach them to love others. And later, we give them away to the world, stand at a distance and pray for them, while they debate life and live out their calling. Then if we live long enough, we are there to commend them back to God, from whence they came...and it is all a mixture of love, of great pleasure and great pain.

A mother knows this. A mother has always to see the big picture, because it is her job to see that humanity remains human.

Providence. I went to a priest the other day with a problem. I make these little requests of God: "I need to talk about this one NOW God, take me to a priest." And of course, there was one. But it was not the one I wanted to speak with. But I had prayed, and God had answered. Apparently this priest was suppose to hear and help me. (I just hate it when He answers my prayers, but not exactly as I had planned it...and I love it too, the adventure of "what might happen next") So I visited and he gave me his answer and I cried...because I did not like the answer. Then it because a bit of a debate. Kind of fun. And good. I am such a precocious child, I love to get things stirred so that revelation can occur. Always looking for that Eureka moment. Always wanting to save the world.

Well, I think maybe I caused the priest a little pain. He wasn't going to get me to acquiesce simply because he wore a collar. But because he wore a collar, I knew he was the right place to discover the answer I needed. I have no idea what God wanted him to receive from me, but I am willing to bet money, if his heart was open, he found the gift.
Just like me. I changed my behavior, but not enough. My quest was not over yet. I still needed more information.
So the next Mass I attended, I saw the chalice and I thought, God wants me to finish this now...no, I want it finished now. I clearly felt I was doing something wrong, but I couldn't identify it and I could not stop until I had some kind of understanding....very truly: faith seeking understanding.
And God provided. Such a busy week, a priest gave me some of his time and really, really listened and engaged me in the truth...which I was prepared to hear this time. And finally I am at peace about what I needed to do. And I give thanks to God for all the priests who know that their schedule is never really their own...and they can be present in that which God provides for them. That is the great sign of holiness: to know always it is God's time in which we live, and that the world will get by without us...we must remain true to the life ordained for us.

So after that, I sit at Corner Bakery and write all the little notes I should have written weeks before. That's what I do...people love my letters...and I had forgotten about how God uses me in them. I get the most important ones done, the ones for the priests who have been gracious enough to let me into part of their lives. Then I write others...and suddenly I realize I am late for a funeral. I fly out of the restaurant and into my car, and all the lights are green...the seas part and I get to the church almost exactly as I planned. And Mary comes to me and asks, "Will you carry her ashes?" And I say yes. If I had gotten there moments earlier, I would have been asked to lector...but God had a better idea.

In this funeral, I wept so much. In the presence of real love, it is hard not to weep...joyful tears, that here once again, is an example of the possibility of great goodness, that has touched my life...a man who loved his wife so deeply...and God let me carry this good woman's ashes to the Columbarium. I, a woman, carried what was not taken up to God, the remnants of the good woman, a missionary who loved everyone she met...

The weight of the box surprised me. I walked between the priest and her husband, one of the sweetest men I have ever met. I thought about all the work she did in her life, how well she loved...how she just barely escaped Laos...how much she was loved by so many...and God let me carry her to a place where I often pray and sing and dance...and I remember her husband's prayer before the funeral and was hoping God was answering it.

Yes, I read well. I'm a debater and orator. But this day was better. When I am in the hospital now, releasing bodies to the morgue...I will be thinking differently...I was changed in the morning and then I was changed again at noon. Providence.

But the day was not over. I had to deal with the mall. My life in ministry has shielded me from "the mall," the way people live outside the church. Yes, I meet them in the hospital, I meet them in crisis...I get to be a hero for a few minutes...but seeing people in this setting, near Christmas...was interesting. More interesting was how I saw myself in the context. I think maybe we become like the people we hang out with. I have out with lay Catholics and priests (when they let me!)...and that world is quite different from 'the mall.'

I will leave out all the details there for now. But I need to finish out the day. When I sit with one very special Father, he just lets me unfold my stories with no particular purpose...and then the two of us kind of recognize the God moment at the same time. He helps me to see the blessings in my life that I could overlook. How about that for wonderful?!

So the day is drawing to a close. I know there is a Mass I can attend in the evening. There will not be one in the morning because it is Christmas Eve. This day and Good Friday are long days for me. And I have that priest's card in my car. I have only given away three...and there is no way to do more for now. But I know already that God will provide the right time for things to happen. He always does.

I am in my car heading to the church, feeling tired...but I must go to church...don't ask me why. It's just part of my love affair with God. I call my son. I was informed they were ON THEIR WAY to my house...a day early in my mind. Nothing is finished. I should turn the car around and go home and pick up and wrap and go grocery shopping or something...but no, I go to Mass. What is one more hour when I have ten hours of work in front of me? Love as you are able. Don't wait.

I get there and, oh my, the confession line is LONG...I wonder...all the opportunities that were provided for them...every single day...and they wait until the 23rd to do it...and at night...still, maybe their lives are like mine. Walk out of the confessional and ten minutes later, back in a state of sin! The pressure of the guilt finally got to them...do not judge, Cindy, or it will come back to bite you!
So the priest steps out and has to do a Mass. He tells the long line that he will continue after Mass. He does not look happy. He reposes the Blessed Sacrament and hurries off.
What he hasn't realized yet is that I have slipped a card under his door. A note of appreciation for how he has allowed me to walk part of my faith journey there. How grateful I am for his kindness.
I don't know if he found the card, but in his homily, he talked about little miracles that happen every day. The Scripture was about the big miracle of the birth of John...but he pointed out that everyday, there are little miracles, if we bother to look...waiting for us, ones that we participate in and share...and he seemed...okay.

Maybe its called gratitude...maybe that's one of the four cardinal virtues. If not, it should be.

God is watching over you. He wants you to see Him. He wants you to help make a miracle. He has plans for you. He is going to make your life...perfect...and filled with joy.

Blessed are the merciful, for they will receive mercy
Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.

Jeremiah 29:11-13
"For I know well the plans I have in mind for you, says the LORD, plans for your welfare, not for woe! plans to give you a future full of hope. When you call me, when you go to pray to me, I will listen to you. When you look for me, you will find me. Yes, when you seek me with all your heart..."

It is time. Let Him use you any way He wants. I promise you will not be disappointed. The Love is greater than anything you could possibly imagine...

Happy Christmas Eve, my dears! Thank you for walking with me sometimes.

Love, Cindy