Wanting

Wrote this one this morning. Didn't think I should continue it. I have six drafts of ideas still from the first week of December. Lots to sort out. Surprised by some things I am finding out about me. This is my way of growing closer to Him. Called to be a priest, tried to be a minister, not sure if I will ever be a nun...I have to "speak" my piece. In this place, no one has to pay attention. And I get it out of my body and into the air. Like last night, when I decided I was going to blow out the advent wreath candles at St Marks...every one of them...and I watched the smoke rise and wondered if God would hear my prayers...from the full two days of just breathing humanity into and out of me. And wondering what He really wants me to do...

There will not be enough time to do much here, but here I am...54...still alive. Never thought I'd live past 50 because my mother never lived past 50. Oh my, all those little rules in our heads!

Like love. Every girl dreams of Prince Charming. Every boy dreams of...oh, my...do I really want to know what every boy dreams of??? But we have an idea of what we think we want in a mate. By the time the deal is done, I think we discover that what we thought we wanted wasn't at all what we really wanted. As Mr. Spock said in "Amok Time,": "Having is not so great a thing as wanting."

Desire.

In the first year of my divorce, I had one of those flip calendars with little sayings for the day. On Christmas, I found an helpful saying: "The only thing worse than being alone is wishing that you were." It made me look really hard at the reality of what was going on in my life. I did not want the divorce, but I was so unhappy and I found out he was unhappy, too. He had someone else to go to, so his pain was different. I learned how to make friends again. I learned how to love and appreciate what was put in front of me. I learned to stop asking for so much. I learned that things cannot make you happy. But they can deaden the great unhappiness for a few moments. I learned that the only thing reliable is God.

Desire.

When I used to hear people say that, I thought to myself, "How awful!" To be so cynical about people! But the truth is, they are just people. We are just people. And we have to make do. Share. Don't judge. Don't be jealous. Don't covet. Forgive. Be Forgiven. Say thank you.

Desire.

That's how it works. To see the beauty of the Lord in a grain of sand, and in the eyes of a person who soon will never open his eyes again. To be grateful and not greedy.

I sat with my son and his wife and their five children during a funeral service yesterday. My grandchildren were so well behaved. Oldest boy sat on my lap, youngest boy at my side. Middle granddaughter held my hand...often. They loved hearing the singer sing the traditional songs of a funeral. And when the preacher said, Let us pray, each child bowed his head and clasped their hands. I could not have been more proud of them, of my son and his wife...for giving them that gift.

Desire.

The girls rode with me to the graveside. All of my grandchildren had seen the body with their parents the night before. They understood well that the body was just a vessel and that vessel was no longer needed. So we talked a little. I explained the hearse, which one granddaughter looked at and said, oh look, there is his throne! Interesting.

We talked about a lot of things in that short slow drive. I told them when I die, I wanted my body to be planted under a nice tree, or maybe in the ocean. And that I would wait for them in heaven. The oldest granddaughter said, oh but we will be spirits then, and we might not recognize each other...and I said I hoped God would let me recognize them. But I knew we would all be happy.

We got to the graveside and it was chilly. Their dresses were so pretty but thin. I had my two prayer shawls in the car. I wrapped each one of them up in them. I stood behind them. And I marveled at, with all the things that happen to us as we grow older, life goes on. And if we are very careful to watch, life is beautiful. And I have lived long enough to learn that. To know. To see. And then to write it down.
Now when I pray, I carry them with me in the shawls. Very few times, I have placed my shawl around the shoulders of someone. I do it on purpose, you know. It is my way of saying I will carry your burden with you. We do not walk alone.

Desire.

I started this one about love. My theme. Always. Getting what you want. Not getting what you want. It's Christmas. For some people, it is all about the presents. But for me now, it is all about the presence. Practicing the presence. Wrote a sermon about it nearly 10 years ago, but it is recorded. Hope to find a way to place it here sometime. Seemed to matter to quite a few people at FUMCR. I was still getting thank yous months later.

I know I am a good preacher. (No snickers here, I know I am a weaker writer)In the Catholic Church, that gift will never be used again...unless a miracle occurs. I don't like wasting my gifts, but then, I realize I am not wasting it. The Church made its decision and I have to live with it. For now, writing will have to do. It's the way things are. These are the cards we are dealt, we have to play them as they lay.

Desire.


^^^^^^^^^^

We pray for what we want. Sometimes God gives it to us. Then, once we have it, we start to realize it was not really the thing we wanted at all. It was only a shadow of what we wanted. I learn that every day. All the wanting, without recognizing all that I already have. I knew at some point God would give me this choice to make...and while I am a little bit sad, I choose Him. I have no doubt this will not be my last experience with a real sacrifice. From this point on, each 'thing' I choose to hold means that I will have to let go of 'something' else. Each 'yes' I make now we become more personal, more invasive.

What might you be willing to let go of so that God can enter into you more deeply? I don't even want to ever ask that question, but here it is...ready or not.

Desire.

I sat with Sister Anima Christi at Mass yesterday morning. She found a seat for us and guided me through the Spanish Mass. The priest spoke in the homily about choices. We each have choices to make and those choices form our lives. I wept. I'm not ready. But He is ready. And I must say Yes.

The word desire has been placed in this writing.
He comes to you asking, "Do you desire to be healed?"
Say Yes.

Love, Cindy