Scared .....

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I will not fear...

Interesting how God chose yesterday to break open my heart for something new. Yet, that is exactly what I have been praying for for days. What is unfinished? Show me that I might hand it over to you.

And holy crap, He showed me. The whole bit about me wanting to be a priest...and all those little side journeys are about to be made more clear...and who will I be when it is done, I haven't a clue. God said three years...and it is exactly as He told me. But how He has done it...my goodness!  I cannot stress enough for you to surrender to Him.  It's worth it, I promise! 

I want to scream at the top of my lungs, only since my throat hurts today, it would not be very loud. And I have a retreat to do. Was this part of your plan God? To tell me something so important and then let it 'cook' in me for awhile?  Not fair, God!  But God is never fair. God is just. God is merciful. God loves...even me.

In an attempt to get my head around the revelations, I review my talks for the ACTS retreat. What I was so critical of, embarrassed about...in the previous talk, I realize I have little to be critical of. It was the right thing for the time.  Now I'll be presenting something a bit more...traditional...you know, the kind of non-challenging, 'let's all love Jesus' kind of talk.  That doesn't please me much, but it is what I was asked to do. And I am first on the docket. And they really don't want to be hit by a woman who still dreams of a real 'world peace.' 

You see world peace will be nothing like what we imagine. It won't come from governments...ever...but from the turning of our hearts to God...and the funny thing is, if we really do it right, it won't matter what the guy across the street is doing. As long as WE do what we are asked to do, commanded to do...then it will work. Nobody gets that.

Remember Moses asking for a sign?  God was always teasing Moses.  "What is your name?" Moses asks.  God says, "I am who I am" LOL!  Then Moses asks, "What will be the sign?" And essentially God tells Moses: "The sign will be the sign."  Do you get it?  I don't have time to explain here.   But it's really cool.  We are the sign. Our faith is the sign.  And our God is way too big for a name.

I stare at the picture "Suffer the Little Children." I wonder if Amanda and Tony have even a small clue of what they have done to me, for me...the most important moment of my life happened in a church parking lot after RCIA. Hardly romantic, hardly noticeable to anyone but the five of us...and even the other four really didn't have a clue. 

This was the moment of my transfiguration, so to speak.  Odd how that world comes to me now. But it was without question, the Holy Spirit coming down on me and claiming me as His own dear child. No question whatsoever. And it almost killed me.  Then God said, go to Spain, go to Rome, and pray with Me there. And I will go. Then God sent me a prophet...a Polish prophet...to explain the sign to me.  And now it seems He's making me go into the desert of this retreat...a place I do not want to go right now...because of what is happening in my heart...but I will go...and who knows what He will bring there.

You must let Him love you. For me, that is a big deal. I let no one love me. No person. I mean I've had relationships, but real love was never part of those things, not really. Because I know what real love is now.  If  you've had it, known it, praise God for it. And then spread it around. But if you've been the one doing all the loving of others...and not letting the good stuff in...well, it's the only thing you get to take with you when you leave this planet...might as well soak in as much as you can while you are here.

I realize I've been really vague...but I can't go into details yet. Pray for Egypt...and for little children who dream about God.  I can't say more. Not now.

I haven't a clue where I am going...but there you are...I'm with Him, so it's all good.

Love, Cindy