Yesterday

Each day, I pray: God show me what you want of me. Let me be obedient. Let me hear you. Show me what I still need to discard to grow even closer than...yesterday.

"I love you more today than yesterday. But not as much as tomorrow." Old 60s song. My love affair with God continues. Never a dull moment. Facing God...and with His help, facing my demons. 

Now at 54 years, I find so many new things. So in love with God, so bizarre to know that about myself. And how, exactly, does that help?  Things are happening that are almost impossible to explain well. I wish I could explain them. I wish the world could know what I know. I see it all somehow preparing me for the work yet to do.

I have whined for some time about wanting to be a priest. I see how that 'truthfulness' has cost me in some of my friendships. But some of these were not really 'friend' friends...they were like Job's friends, who wanted Job to stop hurting so that THEY would not have to deal with it. I have written extensively on how we face each other's suffering.  I should probably say "how I have faced another's suffering."

When trying to create a kind of teaching/exploring blog, I often feel that using the word "I" is narcissistic, but using "you" or "us" seems presumptuous.  It is a fine line. My point is to always be a teacher, and I know that my 'way' of teaching is unorthodox.  I have been told that, at least when working with my supervisors in ministry, telling a story is not telling them what they want to hear. This frustrates me because I really want them to get out of what happens to me what they might need. But no, they are not interested in that. They want to know what I got out of it. Then I think, I am telling you what I got out of it by the way I tell the story...and it is a vicious circle. I do not like it one little bit. But the carrot is the chaplaincy, and I will...sigh...do as I am told. Did I ever mention I had authority issues?

I understand so much better now why I had that desire (of becoming a priest) now. I don't consider the desire wrong or right, but simply a part of my journey into discovering who I am. It is sad to be with people who try to stop us from becoming 'beautiful' just because they are uncomfortable with the process. They are unable to hear the wrong notes so that the symphony can be played...they would rather live without the symphony...

How ugly the world would be if we all had to do it right all the time. 

Perhaps two weeks ago, I failed a friend by not offering the Prayers for the Dead because I was afraid.  I put the green book in a special place in my car. I could not use not finding the book as an excuse to fail again. And part of me believed I would never have the chance again to try. What are the odds? 

I should know better than to ask that question. Last night, God gave me another chance. But this environment was less friendly. Friendly, yes, sort of...but a little scary, because I was with some women who understand the role of women in the church much differently than me. So it was a bit scary. But I remembered who I was, who I am called to be. And I did the prayers...with the help of a brave friend. 

It was all so odd, so surreal, so sudden. I always understand that a good life can be snuffed out in the blink of an eye, and that is what happened. A life was taken. There was no reason or understanding to it. And here we were, a group of women, needing to pray. 

And they seemed to wait until I got there, which was odd enough, although my being late is never an oddity. I said I had the book. They said get it. I was scared. My heart raced. Could I do it.

I recall Fr. Duffy's words again: If you can't stand the heat, quit. Get out.

No, I will not quit. I'm in it for the long haul. 

So the prayers were read. Then the women just began to leave. It was all so surreal. I looked at a couple of faces. Did I help? Was I just an annoyance? Was God there?

Of course He was. Only I couldn't feel it. (what I realize now, a few days later is that I could feel God, but not the way I wanted to.  This is important. To be aware of our expectations and that, even in contemplation, in the prayer of quiet, what we want and what we get, may not make much sense while it is happening.  It is important to remain open to the experience, even if it initially feels unpleasant) I was too scared. I looked at the photos in the hallway. How quickly we are here, how quickly we go. I left the beautiful little house. 

Self-care. What will calm me? I can't go home. I have no one who will hold me. No one will understand how hard this is. Only God. I can go to God. So I went back to the one church whose doors I knew would still be open in this late hour. And I knew I could be alone. 

I laid down on the floor, wrapped in my prayer quilt, all dressed in purple. I thought, if I died tonight, at least I would be wearing purple. I looked up at the crucifix:

I am sorry that I was afraid. From where does my anxiety originate? I know I followed the rules as I understood them. No one can fault me for that. Again with the rules. Oh Lord, perhaps men don't have these anxieties. I'm not Joan of Arc. I am not so strong. But I love you so much. I cannot retreat because I am afraid. I must believe. I must understand. I must take the next step. 

And I hurt. My body hurts all over. Heal me Lord. I promise to do what you ask "in the way you ask, for as long as you ask, because you ask it." 

And then I finally shut my mouth and my brain down. I lay still. I am aware of the hurt, but I don't speak of it. I let it flow over me and through me, for as long as it needs to. 

And then, at some point, it was gone and I was healed again. I felt peace and love in my heart. I looked at Him and smiled and said 'thank you.' I was not afraid anymore. I didn't have any answers to my questions, but the pain was gone.

These are the feelings of prayer. These are the feelings of my prayer. What I ask is that you be attentive to the feelings of your prayer. What does it do for you? How does it heal you? How do you let Him in?  How are you listening to what He asks of you?  Are you willing to be uncomfortable for a little while in order to bring new life into this world?  Is it worth it?  

Pay attention to your prayer. Keep it real with Him. He'll keep it real with you.

Love, Cindy