Waiting for you

My world is being turned upside down.  Something is happening I did not expect. Three hour breakfast with a friend as crazy as I am, as wounded as I am, as amazing as I am.

Then trying to explain something impossible to someone who cannot see.

Massage therapist says, "What the hell did you do to yourself Cindy? Your back is a mess."

Ah yes, the cross was heavy. But it was not mine that I was carrying. And it is time to put it down.

And this Latin Mass...with words I barely understand...and singing birdsong flooding the room. Never in a million years...Everything I thought I knew, I don't know anymore. It satisfied me on a primitive level. That is very unsettling Yet I feel no pressure inside me to go to Mass tonight...what is that about?  Could I possible like this old way? I am confused. What is happening?

Being in prayer with the nuns, also satisfies a deep hunger inside. What is happening?  I discover the oddest things are pleasing to my soul.

The consolation....he told me my behavior was inappropriate...and I know now that where I am going spiritually, only a few will ride along. And I have to not be sad about that.

My crazy friend said I was traveling on a boat with frightened people. And because I was crazy, I scurried up the center mast and peered out of the crow's nest, looking in every direction...and the I saw it: Land.  Only no one would believe me because they could not see, they did not want to see. They thought I was crazy. But somehow, I must convince them, calm them...or we will all die in this ocean, sailing around in circles. Crazy.

But what I am remembering...as I think back on how I was so madly in love with God almost 15 years ago...and I remember a dream...of walking in an eden, so thick with life you could smell it, breath it in...and I met myself on the path and I told myself I was hungry, so I gave myself a sandwich. And a voice outside of the garden said, "Don't feed her. He'll be angry." and I said, "No, I am going to feed her." And the moon was almost as bright as day in my dream.

I have one hour to prepare for the wedding tonight now. I suspect it will bring a surprise ending.

In the garden, He waits for me...as He has always waited for me. To come home.

Love, Cindy