Wall of Words

March 15, 2011:
He was standing in the door, holding it open for me when I arrived.  He smiled and told me, "You know you lead a charmed life." I looked at him curiously, having just returned to counseling last week to 'deal with' my father issues.  He said it again. "Okay." I responded. I looked more deeply into his eyes and thought, "He looks better than he ever has.He looks bright and awake." And I wondered what had made him so much better.


And there are a thousand things to write here. But now is not the time. The blessings poured out like fresh milk and honey. I had been hesitant about making the trip.  But I'm pretty good about finding the right person to ask...or God is good...to bring me common sense when I need it. The priest asked me a question.  I answered it. He said, "Then it's settled. Go."  Father issues up and down my street. I cannot escape them. For now, I still have to ask. Perhaps there will come a day when I don't have to ask. When I won't be afraid. Fear is just plain evil. Fear is anticipation that something is going to go wrong. I really have to stop living my life in fear. How many great things could we have done for God had we not been afraid? And this is what is most terrifying: that I might really, for real, do something good before I die.


Yet, I realize that one has to be completely settled inside God to move on such inspirations. It can never be about me, about us...about what I want or think I want. This is very hard to discern sometimes, but once you have done the work...and you really know what is true...then it would be shameful to not move on it. See the blessing and receive it. Let it change you.


Yesterday felt...amazing. Starting back into a psychological self-examination, I look over my weaknesses and faults...and I deliberate search for the good. And there is it...love. And I drink it it in.  Not 'in love' mind you, which is kind of a selfish thing...definitely self-absorbed anyway...but love. It happened twice, with two different people. And it was exquisite! 


I watched myself launch into thoughts and ideas...and he said, "Write it all out for me and bring it to me. This is very good." And that's what friends do...they inspire each other to become better people.  I am blessed.


From all that goodness into the hospital for a few quick rounds. I was still sparkling from the good morning. And then to my daughter.

I watch her intently. How beautiful she is!  How graceful!  Her little hands...(why is it that I have such large hands???)move up and down, backward and forward, as she tells me about her life. I watch her. She is waking up to the person I knew she was the moment she popped out of my body. We talked about things I have wanted to tell her for fifteen years. We laughed, we argued, we discussed. We were women sharing coffee. I was there with her and I was not there. I kept thinking how pleased the priest would be about it. He said he would pray for me when I told him I was going to her. How is it that he always makes things right for me in my life? That night I thought I was going to die, 15 years ago, it always comes back to me. I thought of this priest and knew I would not die yet. What that is about, I don't know, but I am grateful. God wanted me back in the Catholic Church and He knew exactly what kind of priest I needed in my life to make that happen. Think what you want, to me, it is a miracle. This priest got me through seminary...and now, he has gotten me to be real with my daughter.

We pretty much get out of life what we put into it. What we give away, comes back to us a hundred times greater and more beautiful than we could ever have imagined it to me. Dying is the best way to live. I know I sound crazy, but it is true.  The more I let go, the more I have.

The woman I am seeing now to help me become a better chaplain by dealing more with 'issues,' of which the lack of fathering looms high on the list...tells me that I hide myself behind a wall of words. Imagine that?  She says I hide my truth in center of a thousand unrelated thoughts.  And a little part of me smirks, just like Jesus...you want to know me, well....you have to figure it out on your own.  And the words are a mask....I am not unique here...everyone hides behind some kind of mask...mine just happens to be made of words. But I want the work of a chaplain. I have asked God to make me a healer...and that means I have to know myself as best I can. So that I can be as honest as possible. The one who needs to believe, needs to be able to trust...and trust comes from telling the truth. And that is hard to do.

Last night, I held my confirmand's daughter in my arms in the church parking lot. I held her and with everything I had inside me, I prayed for her for her fourteenth birthday, that God protect her from all the things that will try to get in the way of her becoming fully a woman. In my head was spinning all the thoughts about my own pain and failures, of the thoughts her mother had expressed to me, the book I was reading...but mostly, I was still caught in the hour before that prayer.

At the beginning of the RCIA meeting, a question was raised about marriage in heaven.  Really, it was the concern of "whose wife will she be" in heaven. Both priests smiled...and Fr. Henry said, well quoted, Jesus, by saying that heaven is nothing like what we think it will be. But that he really didn't know, because he had not been there...
And I began to think to myself, "I have been there..." and I remembered the Christmas of 2009, when I went to heaven...for how long...I have no clue...but it made me so happy to remember...

And then it happened, my heart began to feel like it would explode and I started to breath much to heavily. I have to get out of the room, I thought...but will I make it to the door? I must not fall down. I could feel it coming over me and...I did not want it to leave...this kind of union. I can never say no to God nor would I ever want to. Thoughts and feelings began to flood me...but they had no words.  They were simply big and deep inside and they made me happy. I know heaven, I thought...but I don't know how to tell anyone about it. It's good. It's perfect. It's complete.

I hit the door. I couldn't figure out how to open it. Some man was walking in. Don't make eye contact, don't lose it, don't let the thought of him judging me enter into my consciousness. Just get out the door. Stay with the now. He's come to you, Cindy. Don't turn Him away.

I made it to a little sofa in the hall. I vaguely recall hearing words around me, something about a nose...and again, I thought, stay where you are. Don't let the world interfere. And a little part of me was thinking, Oh hell, God, could you have waited until I was alone? This was something new. Do you love Me enough to not care if there are people around? Can you really put Me first? Oh yes, I try to call to Him. Oh yes, You are first. I choose You. Stay with me. Make me a healer.
Far off in the distance, I hear Fr. Henry talking on the phone. But I can't hear words, I just know his voice. Will he leave me alone? What joy, he does!  Maybe there is nothing to see.  Perhaps what is happening is not visible to anyone. This is good God. Very good. And I think, this is terrible! I am having thoughts!  I am wandering away from Him. Please don't leave me God. Please stay. I choose You. I choose You! 
And I don't really remember much more, just breathing deeply and feeling completely happy.

I was no good for the rest of the night. Or was I?  I regained some composer after some time had passed. I recall completely focusing on a poster with a purple cross on it. I felt safety looking only at that cross. I remember Vince asking me if I was okay and I smiled and said yes.
I went back into the Parish Hall and my confirmand looked a little worried. Are you okay? I'm wonderful I told her. We have talked about prayer before. She has a willing spirit.  I rested my head on her shoulder as I asked her, do you mind?  And she said no and smiled at me. I stayed quiet awhile. 

Then I whispered to her, now I remember how long ago, I learned from these more intense experiences how women could be nuns, thinking all nuns must have these moments. "Some things really are better than sex." She laughed and I giggled.

Was it God?  What do you want to believe? What do you want from Him who loves you more than anyone on this planet?  Is it sane or insane? Is it just nirvana?  Or is it something more? The power to heal comes from faith. What do you believe? I'm telling you God wants to love you. Truly, madly, deeply. Do you want to let Him?  Just say Yes.

Yes, I think I lead a charmed life. A blessed life. A good life. One perfect, just for me. How's that for a wall of words? Just remember, it's all just a story...an adventure...in seeking Him...

Enjoy your adventure in God...

Love, Cindy