Zuzu's petals

Thought I'd be walking the labyrinth by now. Gotta write a letter to a friend in prison. Interviewed for a job yesterday. I just might get it. Is that a good or a bad thing? I don't know. Talked to my priest friend yesterday. I was a bit shocked how much that calmed me, after all my work at 'reclaiming my personal power.'
A month ago, I pretty much woke up to all my foolishness in thinking that the priesthood was somehow going to 'redeem' me from my crazy life. I had two priests 'let me down' in less than an hour and a third within a day...and I asked God, "What the hell are you doing to me? How am I supposed to carry on, if not to trust these guys to help?" And It seemed God was saying, "That's not what they are here for." "Okay," I mouth back to Him without any warm fuzzy feelings, "Fine. What's next, God? Bring it on!" Then began the painful process of bringing my view of them back down to "just another guy on the street." That's how it works in me...the pendulum swings way too far one way, the pressure builds and it swings back in the other direction with a huge force...to the other extreme. And oh, I was angry...

I was terrified I was losing God, or at least the Catholic Church...and I felt I was completely alone. It just looked like a bunch of posers...all I could see was the dark side of the Church and it hurt. I saw myself as a fool, stupid, idyllic, romantic...thinking I could make a difference...I was a stupid fool placing my trust in these...men...

And the days went by. People, not priests, would find me...and tell me about my work...how much they appreciated it, how it made them feel...holy moments...one after the other...and at each one, I stood resistant to the love they were offering me. What a fraud, a hoax...an illusion I am. Always a different person came to me...people I didn't know, a few I did know...telling me how something I was doing brought them something good. And I was angry with God for doing that.  I was still stuck in the either/or thinking. That one belief necessarily had to be accompanied by others.

The poem about my dream of being the scruffy dog, denied entrance into the gate because she was not wearing the right uniform...I realize that maybe I don't belong in the uniform, or even inside the gate. That just maybe God has called me to do something else...than to be and look like everybody else. And why do I want to look like everybody else anyway? If I'm bored with conformity, why do I desire it?  That pendulum is swinging away...

I had an amazing visit with my son and his family last weekend. So much love...in the mess of living...Little house, lots of kids...laundry never stops, diapers to be changed, meals to be cooked, but lots and lots and lots of prayer. I see five children who know they are loved...I know because they show love without hesitation. I watch my son and daughter-in-law tame them with gentle encouragement. If they get out of line, they know it, they go to 'time out' and there is no begging, no bargaining...they come back, apologize if needed and start laughing again. My son and his wife understand their marriage as a covenant with God. I look at them in awe...they love and respect each other.

Then my son and I have a conversation about obedience to God. About what real kingdom living is all about. I tell him about my struggles with the Catholic Church. He talks...he sounds like a Catholic, but I don't tell him that. And this child, born of my body, says something...profound and true. I realize how right he is...even though I a fully aware that we each are holding onto different understandings of what he said...and I think...yes, this is what I have to do...and the pendulum is getting closer and closer to the middle. I marvel at our different journeys and yet how God brings them together.

I wonder if that is how Mary felt about Jesus.

So who do I lean on? How do I do the work I've been asked to do with authority, authenticity and sincerity?  How do I stay true to the gospel and true to my heart?  How do I love one another now?

I don't throw everything away. I don't give away the power God gave to me. I remain obedient to my Catholic faith as much as I am able. I allow myself to get angry...but not too angry. I don't isolate. I stay in the mess of being alive. I don't demand perfection. I strive to accept the humanity in the priests in my life, as I accept the humanity in my friends...and work to accept the humanity in myself: flawed, weak, inconsistent, capricious, and also loyal, devoted, passionate....the words all seem to point to one idea: trust.

There are days I look at my life and wish I had never been born. Days I think I would be better off dead. Days when I am so disappointed in myself and the choices I have made that I can't stand to look in the mirror...that I was a fool to love or trust anyone...and that I cannot trust even myself...

And then I hear that voice, the one I do trust. The one I would lay down my life for. The one who know my truths and whose blue eyes sparkle at me as if I was the most beautiful creature on earth. The one who would never hurt me, but protects me.  The one who tells me the hard things, but in ways that I can hear them. The person God gave to me to show me how to live...and how to love.

My own personal Clarence. The one who tells me I really have a wonderful life. The one who puts Zuzu's petals back into my pocket...

With me, it's always drama. This week, my drama seems so small compared to His. Soon I will go to the labyrinth and walk...and recall the story that changed the world. The God/man who changed the world...all because a young woman said yes to a really crazy idea...

What will He tell me as I wander back and forth through what looks like a maze...looks like you could get lost...but you never really do. Back and forth...thinking you are getting closer...then thinking you are getting farther away...but trusting the path to lead you into the center...where He is waiting to tell you something important. And all that wandering and flying back and forth was just to clean you out, to prepare you to listen well. Yeah, it doesn't make too much sense today...but stay faithful it will make sense soon. Trust me.

Love, Cindy