It is now about 4:49 a.m. right on the line of central time and eastern time. Go over into Port St Joe for groceries and you'll think you are late...because here in Mexico Beach it is, say 6 a.m. and 10 miles down the road, it is already 7 a.m.
That says a whole lot to me about human laws and God's law. Our brains know what time it is, but convention tells us we have to follow certain earthly rules...or the store is not open, or it is closed...or we can very very late to an appointment, or very early. Such is life on the time line here. But you get used to it. Every morning this week, I see Captain Alan stocking his boat for his daily run to sea. He watches the sun and the moon and the stars, and travels by them. He know the tides, which are governed by the moon, knows the time when the fish will be at a certain place, know how the weather tends to move in certain times of the year.
I was out on the deck...sadly the moon was already gone. I went out last night, enjoyed it much and then got Bobby and Stacy to go out and see it, and then quietly slipped back into the house. That moon was way too romantic...it belonged to them. I had my time for such things and it was wonderful and insane...but it belongs to the young ones now...
North was in a strange place. Here in Mexico Beach, the sun sets on the water...and provides a beautiful display of color and never the same painting twice. I locate the North Star, Polaris, by findng the easy w-shaped constellation Casseopia...beneath her, or to the right, is the Pleadies...proof that the universe is expanding into infinity...I see a planet, but in my ignorance, I think Jupiter, but I don't know for certain...
There is such a difference between facts...and everything else. Challenged by an interesting question by an professor from seminary, I begin to realize that I live my life and think on a different plane. I suppose we all do. Reality is so...so relative!
Yesterday was a long day in the car. I have things I'm used to doing while I drive, but have two little girls, my granddaughters in the back seat changed everything. Wasn't sure about the music on the radio...or anything...so we sang songs...and we laughed so hard, changing the words around. "Are you sleeping, are you sleeping, Brother John..." became "Are you driving, are you driving, Trinity..." and things much sillier. The time went my fast. When I drove 35 mph or less, I let them have the windows down...and of course, their hands, like puppy dogs, danced in the breeze.
That is the privilege of being "Nana" and not "Mom." I don't see them every day. I get to laugh and play...and only discipline a little...and my goodness, the love they pour out...all five of them actually...but I do feel so connected to the older girls so easily...can I give this love to the younger ones, I can only hope to learn how as we go along.
So the time passed well as we sang and laughed. There were always bumps in the trip. Times when things did not go smoothly or exactly how we planned. You roll along. You acknowlege the bump, the disappointment, the broken part...and then you go back to laughing. For me, I can do that because I have given up trying to control or predict my future. I have given up wanting things...pretty much given up wanting anything. And I have discovered how grand life can be without the burden of wanting.
And oh, my...I have wanted so much! Many things I wanted were just the ordinary things people get...but because I did not get them...I wanted big, extraordinary, outrageous things, too. But I finally began to realize, somewhere around the age of 40, that I waste way too much time on wanting. It's pretty much the biggest thing for us humans: wanting. It is the primary thing.
It is the great Biblical "nephesh." Hunger. We sit with our hands open wide, with our mouths open wide...but all too often with our hearts shut tight. Why, because we didn't get what we wanted. Because it took too long. Because it wasn't perfect...
Christmas morning, surrounded by all the presents, when the last one is opened and the thrill is gone, we ask "Is that all there is?" It is not always that we are greedy, but the adrenaline rush of surprise is addictive. It, too, wants to be fed. We get a smile from a guy down the street..and then we want him to wave, then buy us coffee, then take us out on a date...and pretty soon...in the girl mind...we're off getting married and having a bunch of kids, or a successful job, or a house on the beach...
It is not bad to want. The girls were telling me yesterday, "Nana, you need to buy this house and we can move here and go the the beach everyday..." Only age, only time...will teach how these wonderful thoughts are just ideas that pass because things are good now. We will need such thoughts on the days when things are not so good. I think that's why God gave us memories and dreams. We have the ability to look beyond the now...because we feel so much and hunger so much...which is both blessing and curse. It is a means for survival, and a means for death.
In this heat, it is easy to get caught in a thought that things will never get better. We go back and focus on our mistakes...the heat is oppressive and we can just oppress ourselves even more with thoughts about when things were better, cooler, more balanced.
Just like the Isrealites in the desert. "Oh Moses! Why did you drag us out here...in the heat? We had perfectly good lives as SLAVES in Egypt. This is terrible! We are hot, we are hungry, we are thirsty! What are you going to do?"
No wonder Moses went up on the mountain. He needed to get away from all the complaining and think clearly...and maybe just ask God what in the hell was he thinking anyway...
There are ways to see. There are ways to hear. There are ways to touch. The brillance of Jesus was that he showed us all how to live well. Moses came down the mountain with a few great ideas/rules: Don't drink too much, don't eat too much, remember to rest and stay away from your neighbor's wife. Kind of obvious, but when we are hungry...we can't remember any of that. So Jesus brings in that forgiveness thing. That love thing. Those things that the Law can't touch. And he changes everything. Joe down the street, whose dog has killed Frank's prize sheep. Frank has forgiven Joe. Frank had every right to kill Joe's dog, but Frank knows that Joe needs he dog to tend his own sheep...and without the dog, Joe's family will starve. No, Frank will never get back what he lost. Frank could kill the dog, be bitter for the rest of his days. Joe could lose his children, his wife, his own life...and the Law would be served. So what? Jesus says. What kind of life is that? Do you feel good about getting your own way? Do you feel superior? Doesn't that just want you to become more superior? And Joe, if he loses his dog, does he become bitter? Violent? If Joe doesn't lose his dog, does he think he can get away with murder now? Has the Law disappeared for Joe?
Such complicated things to explain to others. Yet, if we choose to live in love and forgiveness...the world works.
I have lots of reasons to be angry with the world. Things I want, things I deserve, or think I deserve. Bad things happened that should not have happened. I have good cause to be angry. And I should make those who injured me suffer as I did. Yeah, right. And a thousand other things...we all have them. Disappointments, injustices, little murders of character and love...
And getting caught in them takes times away from all the possibilities of good things. Assess the situation in front of you. Recognize what is good about it and what is bad about it. then put it in a drawer and enjoy what is in front of you. While it is in front of you. Refuse to let the unceasing hunger for more win today. Laugh, live, love. Forgive.
Make the memories so good that when the heat returns, you can say, "You are here now...but you will not be here forever...and when winter comes and I feel too cold, I will remember you and think maybe you weren't so bad after all."
I don't know. It's just a thought.
Nearly 6 a.m. now...perhaps I'll go make one more memory of the beach???
Much love always,
Cindy
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