Only a few words today...apparently someone is trying to get into my account...or has gotten into the account. Some people just need to be contrary. I get like that sometimes, when I am frustrated and feel like I'm not being heard.
I went off into the woods yesterday because it was so beautiful...and to flush out all the contrariness inside me, or at least try to do it. I made a decision a while back to do something I had decided the day before to not do. When I looked at that first decision, all I could see was the loneliness that is seemed to amplify. So I changed my mind. And you know what, the loneliness is even more apparent now...and has caused me to not do other things that I should be doing.
I have not applied for more work. And yet I love the work. But I am so discouraged by wyhat I find around me. If I can't solve a problem, then I get out. If I am no longer needed or wanted, I leave. I do not like to waste time and energy on things that cannot bear fruit. Writing that down, I begin to understand how rigid I am. All I feel is anger...
Yesterday, I watched a most beautiful video on the Mass, by Fr Robert Barron. What he spoke about the Mass, I knew already...it was what I was in love with...all the little parts...and he brought to me an understanding...or at least a curiousity about Thomas Aquinas that will make me search out and learn about what he suggested. A side to Aquinas I did not know. So when the video ended, and I was still crying at its beauty...the conversation among the women turned immediately to...gossip. I was stunned. Suddenly they were comparing priests and talking about choir robes and about all the people they knew who didn't behave properly at Mass.
I thought I would throw up. I got up and went into another room. I could still hear them. I went out on the front porch and cried. Yes, I did try to bring the conversation around to something less petty, but there was no interest. I walked back in the house and heard, "Did you see her...in those leggings?" And "Then she did..." I picked up my things and left.
I have to say that I enjoy this group of women very much, and that our discussions in the past have been fruitful...and I wondered what happened to trigger such response to such a beautiful video about the Mass. Is the idea of God's love for us just too had to believe in? Are we that afraid of such a perfect gift? Have we received it without really understanding what was given?
I can't help but think about last Sunday's gospel, where the paralytic's friends lowered him in to Jesus and Jesus, seeing their faith, said "Your sins are forgiven." And they all, the know-it-all Pharisees and scribes and probably many others kind of went, "What the hell...?" And Jesus might have sighed...although...I'm sure he had much more patience than me...and thought...okay, I'll give you what you want...even though what I offered was so much better...
It's all so frustrating to me, that we constantly accept less than what God wants us to have. It's driving me crazy, in fact. Why do you want to sit in the dark and curse God? Why do you insist on carrying a cross that is not your own? Why do you take my love and flush it down the toilet? Why will you not see what is before you?
I know I am a fool. I don't know how this will end. But I am weary...I must learn how to do this work all over again. Humility. But how can I not weep, when we turn away from His gift?
Love, Cindy
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