With all my "business" finished...I thought maybe I'd forget it now. Two and half years...I did good work, I grew spiritually, I completed some work God gave me to do...perhaps I need to just forget this whole promise-thing. Besides, I really have no one to talk with about it. It's quite embarrassing to me, quite a but more humbling than I want to be, quite frightening that I have to talk with people who don't understand...about probably the most important thing in my life.
Nobody really gets that. Nobody gets that what I am doing it not about one person, or two persons...I have to let the egos of others play out their own little dramas while I am stuck in this human body, dealing with human people, who simply don't seem to understand...that what I choose to do is at least as important as what they choose to do. But what I do, I do for God alone...and it ticks me off inside my heart that I'm still wanting someone to understand and walk this path with me.
What I intellectually know is that there ARE people who get it...but I don't BELIEVE them...I don't trust them, and what that really means is that I don't want to trust them.
I have met only one person who understood me without my having to write a treatise of what I felt: James Finley...who lives in Big Sur, California and probably would think of me as about as interesting as a bowl of cornflakes without milk. But, in a one on one with him, I knew he had been there...that he "got it," and that he would not laugh at my chosen ways to live out my love for God.
Everyone else I have met has a personal agenda and I'm not ready to deal with that as I walk into the latter half of the third year. I take what I can get and continue to knock on doors. Really, I am assured that God has it all in place already...that these human historical markers are designed to keep my calm, given the personality I have...but there is still parts of me caught up in this physical world, parts of me that understand I have to stay connected to do the work...and that is complicated.
I fight heart battles inside myself. One part of me wants to go live in a cave, and just pray...and bask in the love He offers unceasingly. The other part of me knows how cruel and selfish that action would be. I was created to live in the world, and live in it I must. But I am frustrated that I cannot live out this call under some already structured Order. Yet, it is clear that, doing the work in this way...I am not hindered by rules that I am so often inclined to break. Obedience to anyone or anything but God seems impossible for me. My heart belongs to God. End of story.
Crazy lady on the left. Keep walking on the right.
I'm sure there is some element of this journey to which I am blind. An obvious level of obedience that I have overlooked. But last week, and even just today...what I was given to do...allowed to do...is so precious. It's like playing the Ave Maria on the piano for strangers at church...I play...I do not know what I am doing...I do not understand how I know it...but I keep my mind on my prayer...but not too much, or the passion would overtake me and I might fall of the piano bench...I panic each time I play the short little song...will I remember it to the end?...How long, O Lord, might I offer this prayer? Why is this the only piece I can play in front of others? Oh God, help me to pray it out until then end of the song!
Such are my encounters with the people I meet. Even the ones I go to for help and consolation. Even my friends, although most of my life is so surreal now...I wonder if I am able to love one person intimately. I do not want to lose the work I do. I do not want to jeopardize it by allowing a man to touch me again, yet I do miss the touch. Not enough to give it up. But today, I reaffirmed my vow...because I thought I might be tempted to seek it out and give in to it. Because I can. Because no one really cares. Because it would be so easy.
And I might love well for a month or a year even...but eventually I would need to return to that God thing that alone satisfies my being completely. It would not be fair to the other human being. And I would be unhappy to stay. This is the true call of God to Him. Not to say "You, God, are the only one who loves me," but to say, "You, God, are mine and I am yours. I will care with love the creatures you have made like me, the ones you bring me, I will love with all my heart, but I belong only to You. I bend to Your will, I listen for Your call. I could have had this other life, but I choose you...because you chose me." Many are called, few are chosen. Someone said that to me today.
So, in the revelation to me in 1997, I thought just working in this church for three years was sufficient. I never intended to have this vow have such meaning to it, but the first priest I encountered understood it much differently than I did. He gave a simple choice honor...and forced me to see that I should not take what I was doing as whimsical. That was his gift to me. I'm not sure I like it, but nevertheless, it is part of my journey now. I had to learn how to love as God loves. And I have. Not a priest, but as I talked with a newly ordained priest on Sunday, as he described his promise, I thought, "yes, I understand. We have done the same thing. You have done it as you are able. I have done it as I am able...and we both know the joy of making the choice to serve." Different paths, but the same kind of love for God. He will be always under a mircoscope. I will not. Different, but all good.
As I held a woman in my arms today while she cried...I knew I was doing the right thing for me. During Mass, I found my heart desiring to bend to the will of the Church...horrors...as I placed my sheer shawl brought to me from Greece only this week...on my head during the Eucharistic prayer. I was embarrassed and prayed that no one would notice...but God seemed to say, "Do it. Humble yourself before Me. You say you want Me." No, I cannot write down what He seemed to say...it is still too hard to speak of...and I do feel like it is between me and Him. I am sorry. I hope you hear Him say it to you someday.
But I made my promise. I gave Him my gift. In January, it will be three years. I wonder what He will tell me then. Will I get to be held again? Or will I be completely and totally given over to this life? Or will it be something I haven't even thought of yet? But after about...18 days...of asking myself "should I or shouldn't I?" I tell Him yes. Your will not mine. I do love the work. And I love the woman I am becoming.
If this makes no sense, I guess it might have only been an exercise for me...in humility. Still so far to go...
Love, Cindy
No comments:
Post a Comment