I had a beautiful week in Estes Park with my son, his wife and their five children. Each day was unique, each day refreshing and a little bit challenging. I never once felt like I "needed" to do something, except perhaps go to Mass, which I did, but not every day. When I did go, I liked myself better and my day better, so I still recommend it and wonder why my Protestant friends don't see the benefit of collecting together, as the Body of Christ, each morning to do the "five things" of our namesake: praise, humility, petition, word and song, communion abd thanks. Okay, maybe more than five things.
It was hard to come home, to watch my son's big black SUV head straight down the road as I exited to U.S. 287 in Amarillo. The umbilical cord cut once again. I work hard to not be attached too much to anyone for just these moments...when I have to let go. Be alone again, which seems the lot of my life and yet, seems that it a path I have deliberately chosen.
So after a week of bliss, clean air and deliberate slowness, I hurry back to the life I have in Dallas...sort of. The silence allows me to reflect again, "what's the next step?" The accident slowed me down even more. And even before I was home, I was back into my ministry. So far, so good. But still always out of the loop.
Working the funeral on Wednesday, I encountered some unexpected challenges. On a private level, I was reminded of our many human weaknesses...things I had put out of my mind, hiding in my self-built ivory tower. Jealousies and envies, areas of unforgiveness and places devoid of trust...and so very much misunderstanding, mixed with that manipulations and judgements. Everyone was hurting, including me, and I was helpless to offer any consolation to anyone. Things might have gone awry when one priest left, then two, then three...but things are broken and I don't know my place anymore. Was it that I expected too much (but perhaps was given too much) in that first bizarre entry back into the Catholic Church? Was what I experienced a skewed representation of the church?
Or is it that things are just getting uglier out there? When I lived in Tucson, I found that we had seasons of more deliberate evil. There were times, in the nearly unbearable summer heat, when rapes went up, beatings and robberies increased...times when, even though I did not want to believe in God, I found myself running to St Cyril's Catholic Church in Tucson to ask a priest "Why?" Why is this happening, why is there so much evil?
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That was Wednesday. And maybe Thursday. I ran out of time...may run out tonight, too. But will try to finish this...
While in seminary, my wonderful professor of OT, Bill Power told a story about the reason why a lamb was sacrificed on Passover. Back then, lamb was a common food. He told us that nowadays, chicken in more common. He said, how easily the words of our great prayer might have been, instead of "Lamb of God, who takes away the sins of the world..." could have easily been "Chicken of God..." and the class roared in laughter. In my laughter, I was certain I would go to hell for laughing...
That little story came back to me this week. Apparently, to show your belief in your "Christian values," you were supposed to go to Chick-fil-A to show your support of...something...I think they were calling it "freedom of religion," but what I felt was "let's put those perverts in their place, I want the world to know I want Christian values to reign in this country" That may not have been what it was. That was how it felt. At least, that was the anger that came across on FB about it. It was less about "religious freedom" but more about some kind of definition of what marriage is supposed to be, according to what the Bible says. It felt like anger all over the place, and the more I read, the more frightened I became. My thought was, "if people believed in marriage so much, then why is divorce allowed? Why do we have annulments? Why do we get to change partners, why do fight over child custody? If marriage is so sacred, why do we...and in particular, why do many Christians, believe they can change partners and call it holy? And if some same sex couple wants to have a binding legal deed created to protect them and their families...then why not? Not all heterosexual couples choose to have children, and most of them choose how many they want and when to have them...if it's all about God...then what about that? Fix that first, then come to me with a mandate to redefine marriage. The hypocrisy just took me to a place of great sadness...and then anger.
Please be certain, I am not claiming a right or a wrong here, I am just saying...do it right. Then I'll know how to behave, what to do, how to help. But right now, it's not consistent, or well defined. I see the evil of our lack of respect for marriage and the horrible consequences of a 'relaxed' understanding of commitment, but I don't think an attack on gays...and on gays who are trying to maintain a fidelity within their relationship...as the solution to a society broken by moral permissiveness.
I don't claim to be right, I don't know if I'm wrong...but something about what is happening right now just feels so skewed and broken. It hurts because I see the hate, the feeling of superiority and self-righteousness. It hurts my heart. It hurts my head.
I'm pretty certain it is not my mission to be a martyr to this cause and I must let it go, but it has disturbed my ability to love right now. I am stuck listening to both sides and I don't want to listen anymore, because no one is looking at the Truth. And the Truth is to love one another. The moral debate will continue, just like debates over subtle understandings of salvation. I do not believe God will put me to a theological test when I meet him (although He might, if He wishes)...but He will ask me how I loved myself, and my neighbor.
I hurt all over. Not about the Truth of God...but about the way we have chosen to live out our faith. I think about my beautiful Sisters, the Missionaries of Charity...I cannot see them deliberately going to a Chick-fil-A to prove that they are good Christians. They work with people who have done terrible things...and they don't judge. They have rules, though. If you follow the rules, you may stay in the house. If you don't, you are asked to leave. Yes, I'm sure some of you can find a way to take that and argue it to support your point of view. I don't claim to be right, to be smart or to be clever. I just know my gut is telling me something is wrong.
I had the funeral to deal with on Wednesday, so I didn't have time to stand in line for my "right to believe in God the way I want to" or whatever it is. I blame the Obama administration for taking this to a destructive level with the HHS mandate, which is clearly a violation of the Constitution...but I am also aware that carpetbaggers will run with this mistake and turn it into a weapon and make it evil. Someone always wants more. That is where governments and theologians fail. They take it one step too far.
I am so very sad.
There is a feeling, a sense, a wonder...that happens when I know I'm being manipulated. I've watched politicians for years incite riots to fight for a cause...that had nothing to do with the real rights and liberties of people. I have read the speeches of Hitler and what seems like a thousand other dictators...and how they manipulate people. (I almost have a second degree in history) I studied the French Revolution, I've read Burke and many others, I've read of the conquest of Mexico, and the history of dictators, and studied the Jewish Question. Since I was 14, I've read slave accounts and narratives, the poetry of violence and suppression...and I can feel the difference between what is morally right and what is emotion. At least I can for myself. And right now hurts.
Since the Wednesday Chicken of God event, fires have been deliberately started in Oklahoma, and today a Sikh was the target of a shooting...several shootings...I believe seven people died. On the day I left for Colorado, an attack in a movie theater killed twelve and injured many, many more.
Something is happening...and it has to do with morality, and how we teach it and how we live it. I've done my best to live outside of the world, but this week...it is very hard to not look at what is happening here...that I know about. I realize there is much more all over the world. So much, that to try to grasp it might be more than any one human being could possibly do.
So perhaps it is time to return to that love one another thing. The problem is so big and so horrible...the devil wants us to think, to believe, that we are helpless. But we are not. We have God's word...and we have each other. We must love...now, while we can, because we can. Because He loved us first. While we were yet sinners. While we mocked him on the cross. While we doubted and questioned Him. While we were so angry with Him for not giving us what we wanted.
We must love. I beg that, while there is a right and a wrong...and only one truth, love first. When you are done loving, then argue the fine print. Please. Do not be distracted from your call by your need to be right. Please love. There are so many who need you. Today.
You can hate me if you wish. But love who you can. Now.
Love, Cindy
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