Dark Night

My spiritual director says I will probably never get over wanting to be a priest. She also says she firmly believes I am called to be one. That pain will be like Paul's thorn perhaps. I will never have what I want. Never be what I want. And I don't know how to stop wanting...no wait, that is a line from The Thorn Birds...and that priest was talking about his inability to release his ambitious desires. Oh wait, maybe that is about me after all.

Yet, I truly can see the problems of having a woman as priest. First of all, is the problem of how we have treated the word "Priestess." You hear that and you think cheesy Italian movies about Jason and the Argonauts or something. You don't really think about God. In fact, you think about sex. Women are still treated as objects in many areas. It seems to me that religion is one of them. Put a woman at the altar...and what do the people look at? The Holy Eucharist or her? And that is the real problem.
Now I am certain that many women are looking at the male priests, especially those of the "Fr. What-a-waste" variety. But their inner thoughts are innocuous. Most of the time. But for women in the role of priest, it might be different. Men are hard wired to the visual. The church may have an "boxed" answer for why women can't be priests (we've always done it that way...Tradition with a capital T, and the people say,'yes!') but I can find greater peace in the answer that society just won't accept a woman at face value. She's always got something else on her mind. Ulterior motives. We seem to expect them from women and are oh-so-shocked when they come from men. These are the things that have to be overcome and I don't expect that to happen anytime soon. And I freely admit to being caught in the trap of assumptions as well. If I wasn't caught, I'd be back to fighting the system.

So I accept the system as it is. I ask then, why, Lord, are such hungers placed on my heart? The Old School priest might tell me it was the work of the devil himself, women are just not supposed to be priests...or ambitious. New school priests are sympathetic but not helpful. For this problem has no solution. At least I cannot see one.

So 'nearly a nun' for me also means 'never a priest.' I live vicariously around those men get the privilege to enter than path and not be trampled on by the first line of human expectation. I do all I can for them, and with humility, learning and praying to not be envious of their Holy Orders. But my brain is just not wired for much of anything else.

And yet, if I truly explore my own hunger, I realize what I am called to do has very little to do with being a priest...or a nun really. What it is for me is a call to holiness (and oh how I do not want to use that word!). For me, holiness is being set apart. I do the work placed before me with joy. I am constantly troubled though, by the fact that for what I am doing there are no rules. Well, I don't know the rules until I break one. Then I go, OK Lord. I'll let that desire go. Move me somewhere else. Quickly.

On more than one occasion, I have requested a priest without following protocol. When I do that, I know in my heart...at least in that moment...that I am doing the right thing, a holy thing and no I am not going to wait until someone thinks about it and decides that maybe it is OK. When I feel God pressing on me to act, I act. I don't question it. And if I get bruised in the process, so what? If I am acting out of some word from God, I will be protected. If my action is revealed as selfishness or ego, I know I will be corrected. I should fear neither.

The other day I was frustrated. I told someone that a priest was needed. I was then cross-examined and then informed on proper protocol. I lost my temper a little bit. "Joe needs a priest." "Did he ask for one?" Sigh,"No he didn't. I made a judgment call. He needs a priest." "Well we don't want Father to get there and be asked to leave. That would waste his time." I hang my head. "But that's his job!" I say emphatically, thinking I should shut up now, but my clever little brain is spinning. There are at least two kinds of healing. One you ask for. The other is an opportunity to say yes. Part of our faith journey has to do with saying yes or no to God. If the priest knocks, and Joe says 'Go away!" then Joe has to hold in heart that he told the priest to go away. That is as much of God's grace working on him as it is for Joe to say, "welcome and sit down."

So the list begins of my "confession." How could I possibly being a nun with such a mouth? How could I possibly be priest, when even a glance gets thirty different interpretations? Probably best that I remain who I am. I lover of God,who walks and falls down a lot, but everyday gets closer to knowing completely the greatest love of my life.

All glory and honor be to God who made us all. With love from Cindy