Life and Death

Yesterday, during hospital visits, I got a taste of the hardest questions we place before God. At least, I think they are the hardest questions?
Why are we here, if all life ever shows us is suffering and death? Why are we so alone? Why God, if you love us so much, do you let bad things happen?

One young man tried to kill himself by swallowing 11 tacks. My first comment was, "Oh, so you like prime numbers, too!" I don't know why he opened up to me. I have written often that people tend to tell me the truth. Their truth. I wonder if it is because I expect it. I wonder if it is because I will never judge it. Maybe it's because there is very little out there that can shock me anymore. But there is still a lot out there that makes me want to throw up. Yesterday, I wept on the floor, under the cross, with my Bible as my pillow. Then I placed my wet Bible on the altar. My offering to God yesterday...and everyday...are my tears.

He told me a lot of things. I asked a lot of questions. If I had been a paid employee, I would not have asked the questions. As it was, it seemed like I was only the shadow and God was the person talking...or asking. And maybe that is why the young man answered me, with his truth. I don't know if I helped. There was a nurse in the room with him also. I was glad of her presence, but I treated her as if she wasn't there. My eyes never left the young man's eyes. She was the witness. I made the sounds, but I pray that God was doing the talking...and the boy, the young man, maybe he finally felt he was being heard. I hope so.

What do you do when the pain inside your heart is so intense that you want to throw away God's greatest gift? What can hurt so bad that injuring yourself makes you feel better? What truth has to be told so that the devil inside you, which wants to destroy you, finally leaps into the pig that runs over the cliff? Saying out truth aloud, I think, is the hardest thing we can ever do. Our mind (our ego) makes us think we are alone in our thoughts, but we are not alone. There is no secret thought we may have that God does not know.

And no matter how ugly it might be, or seem to be, God loves us anyway. Nothing can separate us from God's love. Nothing. Even though the devil (who sometimes takes the form of a well-meaning friend) tries to convince us differently. We can rely on the truth that God never abandons us. Evil happens, yes. But God never leaves.

So I suppose that is why I had such a terrible desolation the other night. Even there, in my emptiness, I clung to that which gives me strength. His cross.

Then I moved to another great sadness: a person survived an auto accident, but some people died. The car hydroplaned into another car. Someone asked me this morning if that person had been drinking. I put that here because that is our human nature, to try to explain away evil in terms we can handle. We look for an excuse, a reason, why evil happened. Sometimes, evil just happens. More importantly, it is really not necessary to know why (Me the champion 'asker' of whys is writing that!). I would never have asked anything. My job was to listen to whatever this person wanted to say. And then pray. And oh Jesus, how I needed His help with that prayer! This was a prayer that had to be wide enough for all the hurt inside that room and outside of that room. This sin, this evil...would last a lifetime. Peace will take awhile. Reconciliation...perhaps. God alone can make this better. God alone can heal the hearts of all the people involved. And God allowed me to be a witness to the beginning of the possibility for healing.

Now, tell what you think. I studied Ecclesiastes with my Disciple group last Monday night and this week we start the Book of Job. I've actually bee published on Job. God weaves all things together for His purpose. I'm just along for the ride.

Love, Cindy