The danger of looking back...

21 April 2004
Dearest Lord,
I've been stalling. I don't know how to write, don't know how to think...you would think a revelation of truth might bring some inner peace, but the truth I seem to embrace does not yet allow me a personal peace. Is it issues with authority and abandonment? I cannot think of any greater suffering than abandonment, but coupled with authority issues means not only has love been taken away from me on so many occasions, but then trusting others to have my best interests, or dare I say love me, is impossible. Can a human being live without love? I am proof that it can. Yet I see the flaw. Despite things, my children come around, though I feel it is out of pity or for money. I am not poor and barring any catastrophic illness, I will most likely survive a long time. My blood is good, according to the doctor, but my heart is broken...too long, I think

There is so much more written down, but even now, it is a challenge to get my head around who I was then and who I am now. I think it's important to remember and to record this little history, because it is a witness to the power of love. It is a witness to one woman's darkness (not to be confused with a Dark Night of the Soul...although they do have connections at times)and her movement back into the light. It is a witness to the kindness of strangers. It is a witness to God's grace and mercy.

Each day, there is a moment of overwhelming gratitude with a flash of realization again that I am not who I was...and yet I am. The history did not change, but it was rewritten in the light of grace, mercy and forgiveness. I can look back at these pages and not burn them because they are part of the journey.

We all have them, the stories we'd just as soon forget. And some of us work so very hard to forget them: drinking, smoking, eating, sex, obsessive/compulsive behaviors, neuroses, gambling, even making certain we are never alone with ourselves at any cost. No time to think about yourself, no silence and very definitely, no real time with God.

"I'm too busy praying to God for others, I have no time to pray for myself."

Really? Do you think I am going to buy into that load of ...?

In order for me to keep growing closer to God, I have to do the Examen with every ounce of energy I have to tell the truth about myself. And let me tell you, it is exhausting and it is very hard.

But it is very worth it.

In fact, I have never known any love as great or powerful as the one I feel today, which is slightly more than yesterday, and not anywhere close to what I know God is willing to give if we open ourselves up to Him.

It is a huge, huge risk, to let God into our inmost self. But dare I say, it is the most intimate act you will ever enter, to trust God will all of you. But once you get past the fear, the joy is boundless. I know.

I also know that there are most likely more dark nights for me before I leave this world. I know how very easy it would be to just rest in the goodness I have already received. But this kind of love is dynamic. It is always moving, growing, changing, making its place in space and time while at the same moments it feels eternal and unceasing. There will be dark days again, but I will remember both and know that the waves of my life will rise and fall, but never ever do I have to be alone on the waters. He stills them for me.

The danger of looking back is almost as great as the danger of not looking back. We have to see who we were to appreciate who we are. We have to always remember who was with us at the beginning, will be with us forever.

Love, Cindy