This morning, after an interestingly restful sleep...woke up just after midnight with an "oh my goodness, did that really happen" feeling, I felt strangely content and ready to trust God with what might follow. Then this morning I read about Hannah's request of God. Like Jacob, "I will not let go until you bless me." And I was blessed. I don't get it, really. I mean I don't understand it. I just know.
Something important is coming soon.
Yesterday was a gift. For days, I felt an inner conflict about something important to me, about my relationship with God. God smoothed out the rough edges for me that morning. I didn't really get it until I was in the middle of it, and then whoa...I see what God is doing...and I think, does anyone else see what God is doing here? And it all makes me laugh inside. He takes my problems and they disappear. Totally cool.
As I review the sequence of events, I recall sitting next to the little statue of the Baby Jesus and taking my white 'mantle' and wrapping it around His little hand and then wrapping my hand in it as well. I shared with Him a special prayer. We're together is this. I was reminding Him. Just seemed like the thing to do. Call me a little girl, I don't care. It's all part of the adventure. You could argue I will find meaning in a single tear. In fact, I do.
So I'm shaking pretty hard inside once I realize and accept the gift. I sit in my car and can't believe the goodness of it. I feel myself changing again. I wonder what it might mean. Do I really get to do this work Lord? Really? Are you sure?
So night comes after a few tears and a Bible study in which, my energy already spent by the earlier events of the day, I'm yawning without hesitation just before 9 p.m. I fall into deep sleep at home and wake suddenly just after midnight, knowing that I have received a special gift. I am learning to let go of the whys and the fears...I am learning to accept everything from God as gift. Even the things that could be confusing. I simply refused to be confused. This is His path...and I get to walk along for awhile. Lucky me. Blessed me.
I spoke with a spiritual woman after Mass, she said something that affirmed what I think I knew. When our lives 'dance' along side the Scriptures, we are in union with God. This always feels like the case. I don't know if I am correct, but I'll write something, or read something, or meet someone...and when Scripture is read, it is as if the last piece to the puzzle is put in place and I can say "oh! I get that!" Her words made me cry. I don't know if what I am doing is going to make a difference to anyone anywhere, but I know I have got to try...even if I fail.
I got to church early today, no Starbucks run before Mass. I went into the Parish Hall and boldly sang along with my iPod, praying that no one would hear all my wrong notes. It was like in the days when I would wander in the woods and sing to God until I became hoarse or exhausted or both. The little birds and squirrels do not mind wrong notes or words that don't always make sense. So I sang, songs I used to sing to my children as they were growing up: Bobby's nighttime song from me was "Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow?" Hey, its no worse that "Memories," right? I liked to sing that song. Will my little boy still love me when he is all grown up and married? Actually, I think he's a pretty good guy. For Beth, it was Joni Mitchell's "The Circle Game." I can still hear her singing it with me as we rocked away in the white rocking chair that I painted yellow daisies on.
I sang away in the Parish Hall and chased the sun as the light came in through the windows. I felt a bit like a cat, who wants to perch in the warmest part of a room. And I remembered the conversations I had with God at St. Mark's in the early evenings, when the golds and reds of the stained glass lion would shine against the gray walls on the opposite side. I always believed if I could just learn the language of color, I would know what God really wanted of me. It was a joy back then, and it was a joy today.
Yeah, I know, there's a nice padded room waiting for me somewhere...
In You, O Lord, I place my trust
You have protected me since my youth
Do not abandon me in my old age
Remember what we shared when I was young
Remember our laughter and our tears
When I came to you with everything
When without reserve I gave you everything
I ever was and you held it in Your Hands
And told me,
"It's good, Cindy."
Today new life grows within, a new idea, a new thing, something beautiful for you.
Something good.
Thank you for sharing your love with me.
Love,
Cindy
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