Just got off the phone with my daughter-in-law, mother of my FIVE wonderful grandchildren. She was driving the van back home after taking Bobby to work.(I will interject here something I consider of value: for two years, after we moved to Dallas, I drove Bob (Ex-husband) to work because we only had one car. We were 'forced' into conversation twice a day for more than an hour. I firmly believe that our marriage started to disintegrate once we owned two cars. We stopped talking with each other. Those of you who are married, I hope you have sacred time with your spouse each day, where you only focus on each other as human persons, not with some particular agenda or list that needs attention. Don't allow yourselves to live together leading separate lives. What you have is too valuable to mistreat.)
That aside, Stacy and I spoke of many things and I noticed that she was driving and the car was so quiet. How can a car with FIVE children in it be quiet?! Stacy said that they had just dropped Bobby off, and Bobby has a lot of energy in him, so perhaps they were just resting from that energy moving to another place.
As we talked, the background sounds began to arise. The stirring of little persons, kind of waking up and embracing the next thing in their lives. It reminded me of my walks in the woods as dawn, as the birds wake to the day. Whether I know the species or not, I do know the order of the birds as they wake. I can tell, still lying in bed, how high the sun has risen by the sounds I hear outside my window as I wake to the next thing in my life. And I am aware of the bird songs of the evening, as they return to their resting place for the night and the nocturnal birds arise for their nightly journeys.
I pretty much thought everyone is aware of these things, but I have found that is not always true, so I share them with you. I desire for those of you who hunger to be fully present to creation as it unfolds...and I hope that as you discover what you know that you didn't realize you knew...you will share it with me sometime, so I can wake to your dawn also.
Last night, I was late at the Columbarium. How odd is seems to me, to desire to sit with the dead. And yet, I have found such peace there. There is enough unobstructed sky to feel as if God can hear me (and I can hear Him!) without filters.
Two nights ago, I quietly observed again what appears to be a ritual: persons coming and talking with family members about important things. What could not be said while one was alive is now said so deeply and lovingly in death. This is a holy place, where the living and the dead meet. And it takes a great faith in something so irrational to come here and believe that you are heard. I see that as a miracle: that we believe in things we cannot see or understand. It is truly one of the greatest gifts of humanity. Faith. Trust. Hope. Other creatures are not so blessed.
Last night, while praying, I noticed some kind of animal moving in and out of the white flowers. It took me awhile to realize that is was a hummingbird. She was so tiny and popped in and out of the petunias (I think they are petunias)...and I thought, she is as attracted to the scent as I am! It is her food, real food. For me it is a scent, a memory of a moment in time. Now the scent will remind me of her...the tiny birds who comes after sunset to fill her belly with food from this garden.
I spent a lot of time trying to be still last night. The darker side of my humanity was exposed much too often this week. My passion, when not directed toward or for God, can be unpleasant for me and anyone who happens into my path. But I will not write about that now. But I felt so small and unworthy and could think of nothing that I could offer God that was good...so I had to offer Him my anger (not in that moment, for I was not angry, but I was frustrated...what do you do when you want to give and think you have nothing to give to Him?). I began to realize that these things are gifts too. These are gifts acceptable to Him because they are part of me, even though they are dark gifts. And I began to quiet a bit, my restlessness seemed to subside.
I started to be more intentional about my examen and I told Him how frustrated I was that we did not honor the Ascension that day. The word "ascension" was enough, for in that moment, He came to me and rocked me in His arms. That was the word He wanted from me. He patiently waited for me to get to where He wanted me to be, and then we were One for a few moments. And it was so very good.
I have always hesitated about writing so specifically about things here. Thought they should be in a book somewhere, but that was my pride talking. I wanted to be remembered for what I wrote.
What is much more important, I realize, is that you seek God and that you find Him, in your own way, on your journey...before you meet Him at your human death. Someone I visited with yesterday said to me she was aware of how much I have changed and when I told her of my plans, I could see her eyes grow wide with a bit of disbelief but they were also filled with a kind of love, knowing I was finally becoming who I was created to be. She clearly found a comfort is the odd words I place here, so I will keep writing.
No one has to believe me. It's just the things people say to me kind of slay me. So if it helps, I open my heart to you as I have already opened it to God. And when you find Him there in your heart, I pray you will be brave enough to tell someone what you found.
Listen to His Song. He wrote it just for you!
Love,
Cindy
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