River Rat

I haven't read much of the mystics lately. I seem to only read my breviary these days, which contains so much more than prayers. I've also been trying to read a book on Liturgy, although I have little deliberate time for it. Today I intended to read more, but twice today, God had other plans for me. I have encountered much of the divine in human form this week, in encounters with new people and with long established friends.
But last night, I realized even more the unusual blessings of my life...how fortunate I am to have them, and how even more fortunate I am to be able to recognize them. I listened to my companions in my class last night and I was struck by the truth that they were still deeply connected to the world. Or perhaps worldly things. I am not mentioning that as any kind of criticism, it's just that, for their worlds to function, they are still tired to that which is transitory.
I, on the other hand, have been given the privilege to remove myself from 'worldly things.' I have deliberately chosen what will be in my life and what will not. And I do so at my own risk.
I have not worked at a paying job in about two years, but I have been working. I am living out my vocation because I can. I watch the birds and I sing to them because I can. I write because I can. I reach out to anyone and everyone, not fearing rejection any longer because I can....because nothing is me any more. Or I can say at least that much of me is gone now...the parts of me that were not useful to the work I believe I am supposed to do.
There has been violence in the world since I have up TV in February. There are political scandals. I don't watch the news. More delightfully, I don't watch anyone's opinions about the news...and I try not to listen to opinions about the news, including politics, in private conversations.
If I hear the news, it is while I am in a hospital room before we pray. Or if someone needs to vent about what they saw, then I will listen...but it is s good to be ignorant, because I really don't have an opinion about what they are telling me. I can speak to an issue spiritually, but since I have not followed the story, I can't make a judgment on any events. I don't really want to anyway. The amount of stress I avoid by remaining ignorant is wonderful.
Now that is not to say that I am not involved. I am deeply involved with the person right in front of me.
I have observed my younger priest with great care. One of his gifts is his ability to be completely present for the person he is speaking with. Or at the very least, he gives the impression that he is only speaking to one person at a time. I found this behavior fascinating because I am often like a spy on a mission, I observe the entire room. I observe how people in the room respond to each other. I watch for potential problems, and potential praises. I see what seems to work and what doesn't. So this idea of being completely mindful of the person directly in front of me...when so much else is going on...is a skill that I am only beginning to learn. My almost ADD personality has to work very hard to stay still and focused.

But doing it, I am discovering great peace. And joy. My competitive nature has to be tamed to do this kind of work. Hard as it is, I am loving the learning of it. It is as if a whole new world is opening for me. By letting go of all the unnecessary stimulation that I could accept, I open myself only to just a little...that which God places before me in this one moment. And what an honor it is to be there.

I've always considered myself a kind of River Rat. I like the notion of being a scavenger, sleeping when I'm tired, wherever the ground is reasonably smooth. I like the idea of water that is always moving, always on its way to someplace else. I like jumping in without any plans, staying as long as I wish, and jumping out in a new place, shaking vigorously the excess wet away and then sniffing around to new friends and adventures.

Part of that is helpful to my work. I try to expect nothing from anyone. Hence almost everything is a gift. What I find is that, the more I lose my "demand desire," the more people want to be with me. The more they want to tell me, share with me, experience with me.
I am so very aware of these kinds of blessings now that I am also ultra-sensitive to recognizing the times when I am being demanding. Right now, it seems my demanding behavior is a choice. I see a situation and I demand a certain kind of response. I own the fact that that kind of power still resides in me. The difference seems to be that now, I am almost entirely demanding for/of only 'useful' things. Like respect. I still struggle with demanding respect from the people I encounter. Part of me still thinks I have a right to be treated respectfully, but as I pray about it, I begin to understand that the word means different things to different people. My opinion of what it means is only one of many. If someone is disrespectful to me and I feel my pride being hurt, I have to ask myself "why does it matter to me?" To be completely surrendered to God, I am thinking I really should not let such things control me. Because that is what happens. I get caught up in the should/oughts and I completely miss the human encounter that might have happened.
On the other side of the coin is though I should not care about how others treat me, I need to be completely respectful on the people I meet...even if I think they are undeserving...and oddly, I see that judgment of 'deserving/undeserving' as a sin also...something else to release. I need to treat everyone well. I need to be certain that, if my heart is in the room with someone, it better be a loving heart.
So you can see that there is no fairness about these ideas at all.

Not watching TV helps a lot. Most of what is out there is opinion. Very little is fact and even less is useful to daily living.

Humble thyself in he sight of the Lord.

Let me assure you that I have not mastered these skills. But I am working on them. And the more I learn, the more different I become. The less I fit in.

But oddly, I don't care. In my heart, I seem to believe what I am trying to do is right. Very hard, but right.

I will have to think more about it. These aren't new ideas, I'd say that they were all over Thomas a Kempis' writings and many other great spiritual writers...but I'm trying to explain them in my language...your job will be to explain them in your language. So you can understand and decide if you want to do it too.

Love,
Cindy