Waters of Life

I haven't yet decided if I am going to join up with the Custer Road gang on the float down the Guadalupe today. I spoke with one of the gang on Thursday about why I was making a surprise appearance with the group and I thought, these sweet people don't have any way to understand what I am trying to do down here.

John of the Cross tells us that to love everyone, we must have attachments to no one. Yet it is in the divine mess of attachment that we truly encounter God. A line from "The Never-ending Story:" "It has to hurt to heal." So I am out riding my 'Luck Dragon' which looks an awful lot like a really nice inner tube that I got at HEB for $20. In it, I ride down the river and learn how to wait. I'm not as good at it as I once was, I have learned.
Back when I was a pastor, I took a group of about 30 down the river. The water was running fast and there are rules for riding fast water. But there are no rules for riding slow waters. The 'type As' in the group were not happy at all with slow moving water. They wanted to get to where they were going. They were not interested in 'going with the flow.' Being the pastor on the trip, my job was easy. I had to set an example for the others to follow. I really didn't have to think much about myself. My job was to think about them.

This time, on the water, I am responsible to no one. Except to God and to myself. Sometimes that is much harder to do. We are good at taking care of others, we are less skilled at taking care of ourselves. I'm thinking some of us don't want to take care of ourselves. We want someone else to do it.

Which really isn't completely wrong. There is this Chinese idea of heaven, where food is on the table and everyone holds very long chopsticks. Hell is where everyone stares at the food and starves because they cannot feed themselves. Heaven is the same place, only everyone feeds each other. Great image, but all good analogies fall short somewhere down the road.

I've been watching a little TV the last few days and it seems our favorite sport is picking out and laughing at the mistakes other people commit. Look at others, but never ever look at ourselves. That's just...not fun at all.

I've had too many women speak to me about how they "don't want to be alone." Many enter into destructive relationships because that fear is just too great to bear. Anyone is better than no one. "So what if he hits me, at least he's around." Huh?! I look at the young women on the river, preening themselves before men and the men do love it. I recall my bikini days...about 40 years ago. Can't fault the kids. In hormone central, the main goal is to get noticed and to be attached. Everyone's got to belong to someone, right?

And the Christian faith is all about community. That love one another thing makes great sense. Pastors are particularly susceptible to wanting to connect to their parishioners. They need the strokes to do their job. In the Meyers-Briggs tests, most pastors are INFs with P or J on the end. Pastors with the N(Intuitive) F(Feeling) modes want and need approval. It is one of their best qualities and one of their greatest weaknesses. Most pastors are introverts as well.

So why was I, an ENTP, thinking I was supposed to be a pastor? The 'book' says that ENTP are great CEOs. I hate business. Don't bore me with the details. Let's just get the job done, the party rolling, start the engine and move along and see what happens. Maybe my test is a mistake, but I've taken it for about 30 years and it always comes out the same.

But I always want someone to think well of me. It is probably the thing that I am supposed to release here. On the water. Alone.

If I am going to do what God has asked me to do, I realize that I am probably going to upset a lot of people who are very comfortable with the system they have in place for themselves. I'm beginning to realize that the established ways of doing things are going to get rattled. And unless I am strong, I will end up in a ball in the corner and thinking that I would be willing to do ANYTHING to make certain I am not alone. And that, my dear friends, is a road straight to hell.

The waters of the river cool my hurting wounds in my spirit. I smell the green algae and underwater rice grasses. I watch fish dart in and out of the mosses and grasses and I keep moving. The days are burning hot and the water is so very cold and refreshing.

These days, I am rich and old. I have money for an inner tube and a bad for my 'stuff.' I lean back my head and bath my hair in the water. So cold. So delicious. So very perfect. I have a net in the bottom of my tube. It holds my stuff: hat, shirt, sunglasses, car keys, camera, sunscreen, peanuts and Gatorade.

I go down the river twice. I say hello to the turtles sunning themselves on sticks. I am amused by the crane standing so still, hoping to catch breakfast. I am amazed by all the plant life on the waters' edge. I laugh at the children (and adults!) swinging out over the river on rope swings, the smell of hot dogs and hamburgers on the grills, little children in their floaties calling out,
"Daddy, its so cold." And there is the white poodle in the tube with the mother and daughter. Dog jumps off the tube into the water, but her leash is firmly attached to the tube. Dog wears a harness with a handle on the top. Mother reaches out and literally plucks the dog out of the water by the handle. I laugh again. Boys jump from the rafters under the train tressels, doing flips and cannon balls. Beautiful homes with many signs posted near the water: No Trespassing. I hear a boy shout out,"Look Mom, its the scary forest!" and I see admidst the trees along the bank a sign posted of a ghost with a smile. Under the bridges are graffitti: Don't put your trash in our river, Remember the Children and Support Streaking...

Going down the "baby rapids" there are boys posted on each side of the three tiered challenge. They are ready to help, to rescue items thrown from the tube, to help people who might hit the rocks or get a mouth full of water. They are about 12 and they love their job, the get to be the authority here...when everywhere else, someone is telling them what to do.

Part of the game on the water is dealing with the currents. Nothing is ever really a straight shot in these slower waters. Several times, I would make it past the first 'rapids' only to get sucked into side waters that refused to let me continue down the river. Once, after three tried, a young boy swam out to me, "You want help?" "Yes, please" and she swam out into faster waters and threw me down into the next set of rocks...backwards...and oh, my! I made it. Sometimes to keep going, you gotta go backwards.

There is more to say about these parts, but I wanted to write down my images while I have them...and my hotel rooms do not have internet! Had to shoo a cockroach out of my bed last night...not happy, but I just laughed. Annoying but not life threatening.

What is important is that, after I was exhausted with toobing...I put my 'stuff' in my car and returned to the river. Jean shorts and swimsuit top. I waded in and tried to walk upstream as far as possible. That was hard work. The ground was soft and some of the water grasses were very scratchy. And I found my spot and dunked myself a few times. Oh my sweet Jesus...now that was what I needed. A good dunking. And then, I remembered. I laid on my back and just rode the water, with only my eyes and nose above the water...and I remembered. I looked up at the clouds and the birds and the trees as I passed them. I rolled over and swam a bit, putting my hands out to avert any large rocks and there I was, ears under cold water and without words, the river reminded me of who I really was. It reminded me that people will come and go in my life, but my journey is along this cold water, under this hot sky...and most of the time, it will be alone. Because, when I don't have people to shield me, I find God everywhere. I am not concerned with what I think i have to do for others. I am not concerned with what I think others have to do for me. Just the here and now is the most important thing in my life. Me in the water...and God...and I am assured that whatever and whoever tries to kill my spirit will fail. I have withstood so many evils and wars so far...and if I can return to the river, where He cleans me again...then it will be alright.

It will all make more sense later, perhaps. This body is old, but I feel alive here, on the waters, near the waters.

May your day be blessed with living waters...

Love, Cindy