Qualified

Notes from last week:
I am forever facing a certain kind of problem. I am aware of the good that I get to do. I don't really take credit for it, I know that everything I do...well...perhaps 97% of what I do, is what I really believe God is doing through me.


Yet doubt still enters my heart. Yesterday, I found myself in a reasonable place. Not trying, good things happened. The residue of that feeling of "being properly aligned" with God then clouded my work today.   Is it the sin of thinking too much or too little? 


Part of this week was very scary because I heard so much truth. Funny how that unhinges me. So I suppose there are truths that I can tell are ripe, ready to be told...and others still green...not fully understood. I have discovered I feel a bit unsettled hearing those things.


It's not my place to hear certain things. Is that true? If I was in the place I need to be, I would not be hearing them, it would be God...but suddenly I feel aware of the vulnerability of others. Do I serve well my listening? Or does the telling just bring them more pain?  These questions have not entered my thoughts  before. Why are they present now?

The week unfolded and I am still alive.  Each day a surprise that I am still here.  The gifts I've been given are so precious, I always think: Today is the last day I will be able to do this. It's going to end. It has to end. Good things are fleeting...those are the lessons I learned early in life...it is very hard to unlearn them.

So I find myself sitting in a restaurant with one close friend and three new people. They ask me questions...about God. About my theology. I want to stop talking and tell them so. They ask me to continue...and in the midst of the stories, they share their stories...and I watch, being a part of them and yet apart from them at the same time. I stand in the moment and I stand as an observer.  How is that possible?

Not much of me left in here. But I could tell you the faults and weaknesses of which I always aware...they hurt still...when I befriend them, I will write about them. Even as I write that, I see immediately how unimportant they are. Yet I still give them so much power.

You must befriend your demons. The ones that won't go away. The ones you think are impossible to give up. For now, don't give them up, but don't give in to them either. Teresa of Avila writes something about this.  There will always be little lizards and demons wandering around your "prayer space," the trick is to not give them any mind. They will get bored and leave.  Without trying. That's what I have been finding lately.   Spiritual happenings in my life are not ordered or planned. I have surrendered to God and I have no plan anymore other than to say yes each time He asks.   And I will even abandon that plan if it in any way separates me from Him. 

Went home from Oklahoma a different way than they way I planned. The gift was an amazing sunrise over the lake. The timing was perfect. Could not have been planned. Yesterday the light shining on Teresa of Avila in the window...the print I had just purchased...what happened won't happen again.

In reference to answered prayer, I have longed to be at a table of great minds, discussing theology. God gave that to me last night. What I discovered...was that it was somewhat boring. Talking about what other people think/thought about God and analyzing it is not nearly as interesting or as much fun as...shall I call it...a first person experience...of God.

I mean, there are God encounters. That is the first and best...requires no prerequisite experience or education. You know...a burning bush experience...a union...a marriage...a seduction of sorts. That I will call "a close encounter of the first kind...although 'close' is misleading because it is an infused experience of the supernatural.  The second encounter might be a mystical experience that is inspired by the reading of mystical experiences. This is almost as good as the real thing, but, in being motivated by the intellect, it loses some of its flavor. The third kind of experience might be from reading the Word of God, or listening to ecclesial music. A fourth might be through practiced discipline of emptying yourself.  Learning to be still. A fifth encounter could be through the another human being, as simple as eye contact, or as deep as making love...depending on the kind of relationship you have with the other.  And on the outer edge, you encounter God through education...knowledge...reason...logic...sensibility. 

Whatever your catalyst...and I have listed them in a kind of order as the experiences come to and through me...which is not any standard by which to judge your own experiences...I have found the unplanned, unsolicited, unexpected encounter to be the most exciting...and the most wounding...the surprise encounter goes deep...and remains unchained by past, present or future events.

These are the events through which, by your memory of them, will sustain you in the darkest experiences of your life. There will be unexplainable hope in the midst of great suffering. To the level you are willing to die to yourself, it is to that level you will be sustained. 

The more you let go, the more you will have. The more you give of yourself, the more will be given to you. The more you open your heart, the more it shall be filled...by only good things. And you have to pay attention to this work...what I mean, is that you must always know if you are giving from the heart...or from a position of power...or from a desire to acquire power. If you seek something specific, you will be unsatisfied. God will give us what we want...but when we let Him give us what He wants to give us...only then will we feel satisfied.

I suppose I am saying that because I was surrounded by both the intelligent and the simple this week...and I realize that wisdom comes to those for whom God has chosen. Not to those who have the most degrees or to those who desire it most. We can't make it happen....but we can let it happen.

Does this make any sense?

I walked out into the lake last night under a half-moon. No matter how far I walked, I could not capture the moonlight reflected so beautifully on the water...I could have followed it forever...it was so incredibly beautiful, but I could never hold it in my hand. I kept hearing Wynken, Blynken and Nod in my head...sailing off...and I could not go there, no matter how hard I tried. I was created to watch the moonlight, to sing about it and perhaps to write about it...but I will never get to hold it...

To turn my back and return to the shore meant I would not see the light for a time...but I have to live on the shore...it was what I was created for...walking back made me feel so sad. Yet, back on the shore, there was the light again...kind of following along...and it did follow me...like rainbows...no one of us ever sees exactly the same thing...but the moon light and the rain's bow changed us. 

God seems illusive, but that's just because we are still in these human bodies. There will be a day when our bodies will no longer separate us from Him...we will go back to our Creator, changed somehow...more appreciative now perhaps of the union...having been separated for what feels like to long.

You can't really write about that, put it in a book and then memorize it. You just have to do it. Your way. Your time. You are already qualified. Enter the beginnings of bliss...

Love, Cindy