Epiphany

I know how I could get more people to read my writings. I could write about all the lovers I've had, good ones and bad ones, how I felt about them, how I thought they felt about me...and why I made the decisions I did when I let them enter into my life. I think sharing those stories would also be a way to help others, mostly women, perhaps...get real about their own lives. Ideas like "He's Just Not That In To You" might make more sense...and save us all a lot of time, when we get into our heads, male or female, that we are gonna "make" someone love us...because "it's good for them" [the martyr complex] or its good for us [narcissism].  I thought about writing about such things some day, but if I do...I'll have to do it annonymously...the thought of my children or grandchildren reading such tales disturbs me more than my desire to help others not fall.  It might encourage others to try it out...just to see what might happen...as reading wonderful love stories often did for me.  Yet, hiding the truth keeps the lies alive. 

I'm caught, this January, in such thoughts. Mostly because I have to take more tests to determine my 'state of mind' when I got married, so that I can acquire an annulment. These thoughts are so complicated and hurt so much...I don't know what to do.  These thoughts attack me, my faith, my trust in the "Church."  Yet, in my dreams, God has made it clear to me that I must face them all. There is no going back, there is only going forward...and forward looks like a sea of fire...and I know it will burn me deeply.

There are people who might wonder how I've managed to be celibate for the last ten years. At least, let me say, I am tired of being asked such questions by non-Catholics. When you've had as much "fun" as I have had, it is really quite easy.  That is what I think is a real problem with what I see the world calls entertainment.  It is an obsession with fantasy brought on by anger that what we think is "beauty and perfection" is something we can never have. 

I was listening to my radio while driving yesterday...even the titles of television shows are so disturbing to me. Every one of them seem to do their best to humiliate the human being.

Son of a....
I turn on the TV, to find out the names of the shows...and there on the Today show, Archbishop Timothy Dolan announces that he is being made Cardinal...

God is a poet...
What is He doing to me?  And why?  No doubt I have a blind side...I am sure He will make it clear when I am ready...

I'll finish this later. I'm thinking it's time to go off and pray about it...

Love, Cindy