I've been trying to write for days...I've been writing for days...and it all comes out so dark. I want to apologize for the last passage, yet I have a priest friend who tells me to never apologize, but rather ask for forgiveness. So I suppose, my intent is never to scandalize...okay that's kind of a lie. There are people who annoy me with their judgemental ways...so I work to find create ways to shock them. If they want to think I am...less than a good woman, I will often live up to that. I always aim to please. I know that I made horrible choices as a kid, just to live up to my father's expectations of me. Not knowing I was adopted, and the fact that his wife got pregnant while he was off fighting the Japanese during WWII, he had little opinions of women and he seemed to live in a world where he was proud of me (which he shared with others, but never me) and a world where women were...ahem...not nice. I only heard about the 'not nice.'
Everyone will follow your lead. If you think they are trustworthy, they will behave trustworthy. If you think they are thieves, then they will behave like thieves. It's pretty scary, the power of our thoughts. We understand more about each other than we think we do....and we also understand so much less we think we do. Trying to 'read' each other is different than treating them all with respect. Trying to see the world as a good place, in the midst of all the evil slammed into our faces daily, is a hard job.
I have always strived to be like Mother Teresa. At least the parts that I think I know of her. She entered into the lives of others with a caring and respect. She treated the poor with dignity and without judgement. She took care of them. And I believe most of them felt some kind of love. We really don't know. How she treated her fellow sisters, and the powers that she had to deal with...I have no real idea. They see a tiny woman, working her behind off, and are impressed. God made her small to make her powerful. My thought has always been that, because she was so small and so insignificant, the Church blew her off and left her alone. And because of that, she became so powerful and influential. She changed everything. She knew how to get things done, in spite of being part of, and because of being part of, the biggest bureaucracy on the planet. And that is a miracle. It never quite happens the way we think it will, or should....and that should give the rest of us hope...that, if we persevere and pray, we can change the world, too.
I reflect on yesterday now. At 4 a.m. All the little pieces. It is one reason my priest friend is so important to me. In his presence, I remember my day in the light of God...and he never seems to mind my stories and, in fact, seems to enjoy them. He's like writing to me, only I'm with a human instead of a computer. I can tell you, being with a human is much more satisfying.
I watched TV. Saw the piece on soon to be Cardinal Dolan. Such an Irishman. He'll be a bright light among all the rigid Italians over there. He'll not break into the clique, but he won't let that bother him. At least, that's what I see. They'll think, "oh he's an Irishman"...and not expect too much, because he's not one of them. I'll be excited to see what he can accomplish as they play their games in Rome. I don't really have a clue about any of it, you know. I just saw a photo of a Italian leader smiling, looking at the backside of a woman almost down on her knees and I made a judgement about Italians. That's how that prejudice thing works. If I think you aren't going to respect me, I will probably not respect you. And then the thought of Mother Teresa comes into my head..."she wouldn't do that. She would kill them with kindness....and win."
Then I saw something on the science of "cute." That seeing a picture of a baby, or an animal that reminds us of babies...triggers endorphins in our brains...and the universal response it "AWWWW!" That got me thinking about our humanity a bit more. About how we see things, and our bodies react to what we see, hear, touch, taste, smell....pretty amazing. We think we are incontrol of ourselves, but really we have only a little control over ourselves.
Hence the need for religion. Religion is kind of a moral playbook for living out our lives not dominated by what our senses observe. Practice allows us to develop temperance and modesty according to rules that make it easier not to be overwhelmed or overstimulated by the world. The computer and the internet can make our discipline easier...and harder. I see the beauty of it...and still, I live on the edge of it...testing it, refining it...never accepting anything as it is for very long. I see religion as a very useful tool toward getting us closer to God, the most perfect and wonderful thing imaginable...it is not an ends in itself, it is a means...and I get frustrated with people who treat it as an end in itself. Yet, if that is as far as they want to go, who am I to judge?
I wonder if I am being clear here. I read a disturbing blog today that said some people believe that God no longer speaks to anyone, that everything God needed has already been said...through Jesus as dictated in the Sacred Scriptures and through the apostolic fathers. Nothing more needs to be said...or thought. Just follow them.
"God doesn't speak to us anymore. He doesn't need to." That is so very disturbing to me, as one who feels God has been speaking with her since she was a little girl. Of course, that could just be my imagination, my imaginary friend, you know...who has been with me for over 50 years now. That's all it is. Forget the reading of books, the walks in the woods, the friends made and lost...just read the old stuff (which is VERY good, don't get me wrong here!) and don't think, don't question, just obey...and it will all work out...and I'm sure it will. If you cut off your imagination and your interior desire for God, then God will leave you be. And I suppose Teresa of Avila didn't really need to write those books, or Catherine, or Nouwen...or the thousands of others who feel God.
The thing is, I see the beauty of both sides. There is greatness inside the early works of the Church...but there is also greatness in the world God is continually creating and recreating daily. To side yourself with only one make life less complicated...but even if you only read Augustine...you cannot help but think...and then apply his words to your daily life...and if you do, you'll be inclined to share what you've learned...because you are Christian, and sharing what you know is a way of loving one another...but after your words leave your mouth, they get changed into what the other person thinks they heard...which may have not been what you said...and suddenly you are being credited with the sin of driving someone away from God...so then, I guess it's best not to talk or think at all...but that's not what God wants either. We are supposed to be connected to each other...oh my I am exhausted now. There are still signs and wonders...there are no signs and wonders...who is right?
I prayed yesterday in church. I felt God call me to church...that is, if God calls at all...but there I was, praying...and many things came to me. Were they of God? Were they just fancies of my thinking? Who knows...God knows...but in my prayer, my purpose in life came through again. The threads of my life began to form another quilt...I saw the Hand of God...if the Hand of God is still moving...I saw the Hand of God in my life and was both a bit scared and a lot comforted by it.
And I began to change inside. I felt it. Of course, maybe what I was feeling were those endorphins associated with cute...and there is nothing of God in my experiences in prayer. But I did good, and it seemed to pour out on others. I felt connected to others, I was able to love them and to let them love me. I think that's what He wanted. I think that's why He became human.
He wanted us to love one another. That's what I feel when I pray. His love. Then I can love others.
It's time to go back to sleep for a little while now. I don't know if this makes any sense. It feels like a kind of mathematical equation only partially written...but those who need it will find what they need. My God is alive and well and very active in our lives. He knows what we need before we need it.
I guess I needed to write that down...
Love, Cindy
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