I have started so many stories, and left them unfinished. Today, I need to hit publish. Looking back on the week, not so intense, but always full and thinking back to a year ago, two years ago and three years ago...it is clear my spiritual journey is evolving into better things, more lasting things, with more wisdom and compassion...yet with enough clarity to know that there will always be new things to learn, to wound me, to lift me up...to teach me.
An old saying about friends: "My friend is not perfect, nor am I, and so we suit each other admirably." I look at my friends, good ones and bad ones, and I am so grateful for all of them. Why say good and bad? Because I am aware when some of my friends are using me for some type of personal gain. I don't let them know that I know, because I love them anyway. Because, when I look back at my own life...and think about some of my friendships, I can own that some of them were politically advantageous...perhaps mutually politically advantageous...but nontheless, they were formed with a purpose in mind. What is wonderful, though, is when we come to realize that the 'friendship' has trascended it's original purpose for a greater one. So I would be a fool to hold a grudge and claim that someone has 'used' me to get what they want. What shocks me a little, though, is that anyone could ever think that I had any power at all.
I leaned against the wall at a chirch meeting yesterday, looked around the room and thought, "This is not me." There is nothing here (in this lecture) that will get me what I need to continue my ministry. I love all the people that were there, but I could tell immediately that my power and my ability to continue to spread the message of God's unconditional love would not be enhanced by my staying around. I detest surveys, special interest questions and the compartmentalization of spiritual activity. Some people feel safer saying, "I am a priest. I took a test. I passed it and now I am a priest. I have a piece of paper declaring such. You must now respect me as a priest."
Kind of reminds me of the story of the Wizard of Oz. The Wizard tells the Scarecrow something like, "You are learned, you are wise. But you lack one thing: a diploma." The diploma will give you the authority you will need to lead.
But truthfully, from where does authority come? From God. I wonder why so many people come to me, to tell me their stories, and to ask me some very hard questions...and to hear my stories. I wonder why people say thank you to me so often for things I know I did not do. And I am blessed with the most precious gifts from people. Strange and wonderful and perfect gifts. Things I needed that I didn't know I needed. And the love that motivates them...that part is most often the hardest for me to receive. I deserve nothing...and yet God always brings me something...through the hands of His Creation...and I am humbled again.
I am not good at saying thank you or writing nice letters. I'm not sure why. Part of me has difficulty with receiving a gift, which I think should have been given to God. I suppose I am very rude. I have more to learn here. But in gift giving, there is a kind of unsaid acknowledgement...this person is special to me. Also hard to receive.
And now I must make clear what I have been hiding. Or part of it. The stories I hear, both joy and pain, they stay with me. The acceptance and the rejection, they stay with me, and I learn from them. This week's Bible study, Fr. Barron's Catholicism, is on Mary. I have not stopped thinking about it for even a minute since last Thursday. The OT readings from Samuel, about David, the power of love...or lust...and how we confuse the two...how we love each other, both romantically and filially (sp?). You know, I really think eros is reserved only for God...but that's another topic for another day.
In attempting a confession, a priest said that I easily unnerve people with my sincerity. ("Nothing but sincerity as far as the eye can see." says Linus) I told him that I dislike it when people blow smoke. Either tell me the truth or go talk to someone else. Such impatience is a sin, coming from a woman who takes a year to confess one sin. The irony is not lost on me. The dualism in me must be confronted and I must offer to others what I expect to receive, what I have receieved.
Still not clear. Mary. She is always on my mind. Who is she? What does she both matter and not matter? I woke this morning at 5:30 and for better or worse, I turned on the TV and lo, there was the Mass and it wasn't even EWTN. Looked a rich kid's Catholic School Mass. And the priest talked about the gospel, about demons and the consequences of a divided heart. I seek to have my heart totally and completely focused on God. When I get caught in these worldly things, like meetings, like wanting to be included in certain activities, like feeling uncomfortable with gifts, or perhaps not listening as well as I should, about forgetting to take time for myself, about wasting time doing things that don't matter and leaving things undone that should be done...these are the trappings of a divided heart.
And I need to be more attentive to what I do and how I do it, that I do not cause another person's heart to be divided. My intent is always to use my gifts to bring someone closer to God and at the very least, not get in the way of someone's spiritual journey...but to divide...oh, how painful the thought of a gift so misread!
Which goes back to power...and ultimately...back to Mary.
I began to think about her more this week. More than I ever imagined I would. She and I are women...and we have power far beyond what we realize.
The angel said to her, "The Lord is with you." That first greeting after that first command "Do not be afraid." I think of St Patrick's Breastplate: The Lord is with you, and for you, and in you and of you, before you, behind you, above you, below you, on your right and on your left...breath in and He is there, breathe out and He is there.
And Mary, the girl that she was...knowing what was expected of her, in her community, but also holding a deep knowing of who she was, and the power she had...spoke to an angel. She did not fall on the ground, covering her eyes. She did not cry out, "Woe is me!" She knew her power, her relevance...without knowing that she knew until that very moment...she knew her power and she claimed it.
I have spoken with women who have been offered deep spiritual encounters with God and have run from them. Their grief is deep. Their longing for Him has increased. They beg for the moment, yet still, they hold back...part of themselves back...fearful to fall into His Arms, who will catch them and hold them. They do not understand their power. They do not know their own gift yet. And perhaps they do not really want to know.
Mary then questioned the angel. That implies power and boldness...and oh my heavens! Coming from a woman...no, coming from a young girl...what great strength she exhibited, in questioning an angel...what clarity of mind...and then, being asked the impossible, the irrational...the task of taking on something that could possibly cost her her life...she said yes. Not carelessly, not without concern...but with obedience to to One who had the real power. The One who mattered. The One who could and would put an end to all the evil and suffering in this world.
She had a part, a role to play. She was included, because some part of her knew who she really was. Her power, which came from God. Her gift, which she received...and her love, because she risked EVERYTHING to share it with us.
Now that's very cool, indeed. I love her. And I think maybe she might love me, too.
And I say here, thank you, to the friends who helped me to see this for myself.
Love,
Cindy
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