Anger

One of the reasons I married my ex-husband was because he was not an angry man.  I didn't think he would ever hit me...or my children. And he never did.
But one day, he decided he had enough...and he walked out.
His words were: "I don't love you. I haven't loved you for years."

I think he was angry. 

I was more accustomed to people screaming obscenities...and physically hitting me. Breaking brushes on me. Knocking furniture over. Throwing things across the room.  That is anger.  Right? 

Anger is a good emotion given to us by God, but we really don't know how to use it, accept it, understand it...perhaps even more confusing than love.  Yet, I am convinced it is an aspect of love.

When Bob left, my daughter lashed out at me...even more than before, she was so very hurt by everything...and didn't know what to do. A therapist calmed me by telling me that we generally attack the one in whom we feel the most secure.  That kind of boils down to something like: the one we know loves us, we will lash out and hurt that one the most. She knew I would not stop loving her, so she could release her anger upon me.

We do not get angry at people we are afraid of losing. 

So when I was told yesterday that I was angry, I accepted it as a possible truth, but I did not want to believe it. Then, I began to become aware that my brain found the idea reasonable. But I did not feel anger. I felt sadness, disappointment, regret...but not anger. I felt like I was nothing in this world.

The obit came out for Bob...and I was not mentioned. He was married to a woman, not me, and his children came about by spontaneous generation I suppose (that's sarcasm...a masked kind of anger).  I have always accepted the fact that when I die, people will probably forget me quickly...but to be nothing before my own death...that feels different. And I was surprised by my response, but somewhere deep in my own consciousness, I have always felt...always been treated...like I didn't matter. 

So this whole God thing is great for me. The Jesus effect is directed specifically at the marginalized, the ignored, the "don't matter" group of people.  This allows people to survive with civility in the very worst of circumstances. Jesus knew that. He knew in his heart...all the people who believed they didn't matter.  And he whispered in their ears: You matter. You have value. To me. To God.

And what happens to us when we start to realize this great emptiness is real? We get angry.  Anger catalyzes change. It energizes us to move from where we are to a new place. Anger is not a bad feeling, one to be conquered and subdued...but it should be embraced because it warns us that something is wrong.

How we respond, or act out, to anger, is something we need to face, and then find appropriate responses to let people know we are angry. I think we are grossly lacking in teaching each other how to manage anger.

Most often, we fear it. "I dislike confrontation." is a clearly a fear of anger, our own and others. Some people, rather than face the anger, walk away or hide. In more extreme cases, an angry person will kill themselves, or kill others. We think, because of these extremes, we should put a cork on our anger.

That is the absolute worst thing to do.  Owning our anger, and learning to express it in constructive ways, is a skill to be learned. Ignoring anger makes us blind to love and kindness, it makes us unable to forgive, it makes us fat, it makes us smoke, it makes us abusive.
So we must face our anger...and look to the place from where it comes. We name the hurt, the transgression, the disappointment...we allow ourselves to feel it, grieve it...and then let it go. 

It is an odd thing to find in the desert, but I found it.  Someone else, actually two someone elses, had to tell me that was what was wrong with me...but unlike some of my angers, this one seemed to be more justified. I'm not sure how that fits. I'm still pretty much of a baby, learning to see my own anger...and learning how to stop being a victim of it.

This morning I woke to it, and I began to feel it. It wasn't nearly as scary as I thought it might be...

[Irony: Cat Stevens singing "I can't keep it in, I can't hide and I can't lock it away...I've got to let it out."  from Catch a Bull at Four]

So, perhaps, if my ex-husband and I knew how to express anger, we'd still be married today. Married people really do need to take a class in how to fight with each other. That confrontation is not a bad thing.

But, for me, all that is gone. He's taken his feelings with him to the next place, wherever that may be. I'm still here, in this mess, wondering what God wants from me now...

And I'm angry...about being left out...again. And this writing is my way of dealing with it. For now.

The wind is not blowing today, and I am not afraid of burning too bright...but I am still in the desert...one step in front of the other. 

For the moment, anger is not ruling me. But it walks beside me, to teach me what I need to know.

Love, Cindy