Letting in the Light

My supervisor suggests to me that I leave my rather non-Hallmark comments off Facebook and put them here. I am writing poetry like crazy, but none of it seems appropriate to publish for eyes that cannot understand. Yet, there is always a need to be heard. I cannot escape that.

Self-differentiation. Knowing where I begin and end. Knowing where you begin and end. And making peace with that.

I dreamed on Sunday night that I was ordained a priest. But there were no priests in my dream. I was surrounded by Methodist ministers, the ones I love. And Tom Graves, who died not too long ago, anointed my head with the sarcred chrism oil...even in my dreams, I am eccumenical. In my dreams, there are no distinctions between faiths.  In my dreams, we all get along. And I was shocked and awed that I was annointed...and that I had these Methodist ministers who loved me. It was a good, hurting good, kind of feeling.
Lasr night I dreamed I entered a monastery...when I dream of the monastery, it is kind of like Eden, I can smell the grass growing there. And again, a special kind of bliss...belonging to a group of people who love God first.
The week before Bob died, I was dreaming about him "too much" I thought. I was frustrated with myself that I always brought him into my dreams, that I had no others to think about.  I knew I needed to deliberately date now...create memories of something different, something to replace these dreams of a life long gone.  And I was angry that I would have to "do something" like that so that I could be different...
How odd...

In the course of all these new Lenten things...and for me, that is what they are, I see God changing me again. Fear of my own illness is still there, but so much less important. The right now is very important. I am driven to be that person who can help create good memories in this crucial time, this Sacrament of death before me. My head spins with my history of who this man was in my life. I try to see from the eyes of my children (which is impossible), what they have of him. Can I see clearly to be an authentic bringer of truth to the present?  I'm not sure.

I need to let in more light.

Dearest Lord,
Show me who I am
Show me who I need to be in the days ahead
To help heal
All these wounds
That sudden death brings with it.
Help me to do no harm
To see as clearly as I am able
To check carefully
My own feelings
of Loss
For I have been given a job to do
I am a midwife to this next thing
And I need your help
To bring about the birth
Of new life
In these beautiful people
Connected to me
In the moment.
I ask for grace
and healing in my own heart.
That the light before me
not blind me
to the light of others.
Let me fall back
And you do your work
though me,
if you choose to use me.
Heal me Lord,
that I might become
an instrument of healing
for them.
Let me place my pain
In a safe place
To share with you later.
Thank you for these lives
That have touched mine.
Made me better
Than who I ever thought I was
before.
Give us grace to heal.
Give us courage
To let in
The light.

Love, Cindy