Butterfly Kisses

28 May 2013
I stood in the Dickey's parking lot, west of Austin, each grandchild coming back to me for one more hug and one more kiss. "Please stay?" "Why do you have to leave?" "Let's go swimming!" "I love you, Nana."
The wave that flowed over me confused me. I keep saying to others that the last ACTS retreat was so powerful, that is changed their lives...and things were going to be different. But the only real truth I can say in these moments is that I will never be the same.
I will never be the same.
As I was "allowed" for the first time to be the woman I know myself to be during this last retreat...and happily not being beaten for being unique, I found that I was loveable. Love-able.

In seminary at SMU, I learned about Prevenient Grace, which connects so nicely into I John 4:19 "We must love because He first loved us," which I learned in 1996 while reading a book by Henri Nouwen called "Reaching Out." ( How's that for a string of thought---that is more of what goes through my head. I always have to slow down my thoughts to write, and I still do it poorly)
In Christian History, I learned about "the Fall." 
In the beginning,
Adam and Eve were "not able to not sin"
After the Fall, Adam and Eve were "able to sin" 
With Christ, Adam and Eve were "able to not sin"
That's about the shortest version of redemption I learned. But there were many stories, all of them good...I have nearly all of my three years of classwork from seminary on cassette tapes. Most of those professors are not at SMU anymore. I have a machine to convert the tapes to MP3 files, and have only done a few. My friend who lent me the machine is not in a hurry about getting it back...
sigh...I always stall when I have something important to write.

We have a new deacon at church now. Before Mass yesterday, I went to shake his hand.  I said, "Sam, right?" and he replied, "DEACON Sam." And I thought, 'oh really?  Did you think I couldn't tell with your little green side sash? '  And my mind jumped to judgement: pride. Immediately I was reminded of another, a priest, a baby priest, who thought much of himself. And then I was convicted of the pride that came a bit more slowly to me, when I was a Methodist minister, and the DS insisted on calling me "Reverend Johnson." I thought that was a bit much.  I considered myself a pastor, not "the Reverend" and besides, one of the associate pastors at the large church where I worked insisted that the title "Reverend" not be used for those of us not yet ordained. But his two words felt like a man drawing a line in the sand: let us be clear on who I am and who you are not. 
He could not possibly know anything about me or my struggles...and my wounded, dark side thought, "Oh, I am so gonna mess with him."  Arrogant men still drive me crazy.  For that matter, so do arrogant women.  But I just walk away from arrogant women. But arrogant men, I think back to how men treated me as a child, or a young woman...and I say to myself, in my best Bugs Bunny voice, "Of course you know this means war."  I no longer have to submit myself to the whims and desires of men...but apparently I have not yet forgiven them for using me for their own pleasures. 
Deacon, huh? 
Would you like to engage in a theological discussion? You pick the topic.  Let's have a go. 
I will assess his level of understanding...and begin there. (I'm going to have to fight him with my left hand...otherwise it will not be sporting)
I do not like arrogant men. Yet, clearly, in this examination, they still have some control over me...because part of me still wants to fight them.  To make a point. To matter.
He's got a long way to go before becoming a priest.
But my path...on this earth...is much longer, I fear.

Back to the little hugs and hands and kisses.
What has been healed in me is connected to the little Adam and Eve story of sin, but with a twist.
I was born "not able to not love"
Bad people entered my life and suddenly I was "able to not love." 
Healing and forgiveness, given to me through others who understood Jesus Christ created in me
"able to love." 
Standing with my son and his family, I suddenly understood that I had value that went beyond my ability to write a check.  That my part in this family was not simply the duty of social norms, I was actually wanted.  This is a completely foreign thing for me. I had spent my entire life trying to be what others needed or wanted. I was desperate to be included...while at the same time so afraid of people's power over me that I knew my job was take all power whenever I could.  A strange way of looking at things, but reasonably accurate.

The last retreat, it seems like I finally "came of age." I did the work I was born to do, I did it well. I spoke the truth...and most importantly, I remained completely under the submission of God. I did not hide my gifts to be liked or included.  I did not hide them from the priest in attendance. I was not afraid of what he might do if he didn't "like" what I was doing. I remained always to working only what I was asked to work...I did not hide myself nor flaunt myself...I was in every respect that I could understand, a pastor...I was going to write priest, but I am not that. I do not presume to fully understand the rituals the Catholic Church requires...not do I know if I would want such responsibilities. I am, however, a pastor.  I can shepherd from the front, from the back and from the middle. I can shepherd one, or many...and I can bend without fear to people with power, who do not claim power because they "need" it, but because it was given to them as God saw their humility and knew that they knew they were not in charge.
I have been give discernment. I am grateful to God.
I know that I am able to love.
I know that I am loveable.

That was the great and powerful miracle that arrived after God took nearly everything away from me. And almost sadly, I cannot write more now.
It is time to go to church. 

Lover, let the love flow freely.
You will never have less
Never be less
Because love is...
etraordinary
does not follow
the rules
of physics
or time
It increases
when it should decrease
it loves anyway
it works miracles
it lives
with or without us
is directed
but never allows
us to control it.
It requires only one thing
for us to say yes
to open our heart
and let it do
what it wants
when it wants
it makes us cry
and laugh
and sing
It is beauty
and sadnesss
and loss
and desire
and is
completely
totally
undeniably
wonderful.

Love, Cindy