Crush

Cool water
Oh how I miss the cool water
Sun in my face
Blinding me when I look up through the trees
Smelling like beer
My loved ones near
Starting all over again.
I can't even describe the peace I found there
I only know that I can never go back there again.

Margie and me
We'd drink our Spanada
Flying down the road
In that yellow "66 Caprice

I felt the sun burning me through my jeans
We'd seen all the houses we'd want to have
Someday.
Let me cry now.
I'll never know that peace again.

Cool water
I can smell the blues and greens around me
Even now.
I can smell the mud and wet leaves
I still feel the familiar cool breeze on my sunburned face
Let me cry now.

I remember long talks,
long walks with you
Not believing someone
Would ever understand me
Until you did
I remember lots of coffee
And my first omelet
Talking to horses
Learning a different kind of peace
And I cry now.

I remember the day you fell in love.
I saw her
And I knew
If I was a man,
I'd fall in love with her, too.

There were no more talks or walks
It was hard to live near you
And not be near you anymore.
Inside, I was happy for you
You were a good man
And she was good for you
So I was happy, too
But I still cried. 
***circa 1977

I recognize a pattern in me. I want friends, not lovers. Lovers come and go. They burn bright and then they burn out. They want so deeply...but only for a moment. Achieving the goal, they move on and set another goal. Friends endure the ups and downs and upside downs.  I do not ask God for lovers. I can have as many of those as I want, if I wanted them.
I ask God for friends.
Today...I realized, perhaps for the first time in a long time, how I have been blessed with friends. The man/boy this poem is about came up during a conversation on Friday.  Odd that I would find this poem today.  I remember someone telling me that he loved me. If he did, I never knew it. We were friends.

On this feast of St Catherine of Siena, I read again that she chose to live in the world, rather than inseclusion. It is easier to hide away.
***********
I was interrupted.
Tried to polish it, but I can't.
So here is it...as is.

Love, Cindy