The men are starting to arrive here at Corner Bakery. They meet in little groups these days. Most of them know each other by now. I have met many of them, but I see new faces. I don't come here as often as I did last year. It encourages me to see groups of men gather together. Most of them gather to talk about God. There is a man with a collar, but I don't recognize him. Might be a Lutheran priest.
Larry just stopped by my table. He says the forecast for tonight is 'whiteout' which means it will be dangerous. I've agreed to read for Midnight Mass. I must pray now for all those of us who will pray in the birth of the Christ tonight. Maybe Bobby is right and this is not the year to take my grandchildren to Mass. Sigh. The girls would be fine, but the boys are very active. This morning as I left, I saw the bedspread/comforter from the boys' room in the washing machine. I'm not going to ask...
I wonder what God has in store for us. For me, too. Without question, it has been the most amazing year of my life. I made a joke last November while riding back on the bus from Chichen Itza, when I learned that 52 years is the Mayan idea of one life cycle. So I turned 52 a month later and thought, thus begins my new life, my next life.
And what a ride it has been! Old hungers have been replaced by new hungers, better hungers. I told my sweet RCIA candidate a saying that keeps making more sense the older I get:
When you are 20, you worry about what the world thinks of you,
When you are 40, you don't care what the world thinks about you,
When you are 60, you realize that the world wasn't thinking about you at all
There is great freedom in the paradox that we matter and yet we don't matter. We should always strive to do good and 'be perfect as Our Father in Heaven is perfect,' but not for some recognition for what we do...just for the simple fact that we are part of God's great creation and that He loves us unceasingly. Yes, what we do matters...but what EVERYONE does matters. And if we screw it up, there are enough people out there, who can fix it, if they desire to fix it.
We are perfect, and we are imperfect. We love and we hate. We reach out and we ignore. We hold on and we let go. We promise and we fail. We fall down and we get up again. We touch and we withdraw. We forgive and we are forgiven. It just all kind of works itself out. That doesn't relieve us of responsibility. When we create a hole in the universe, someone else must step in and fill it.
I suppose that's what Jesus did. There was a big hole in creation. We stopped caring, we got afraid and we wanted to control everything because that was the only way to feel safe. We hoarded our extravagances, we indulged in cravings, we ignored all things unpleasant. We no longer believed in right or wrong, we just believed in power.
Maybe it wasn't as bad for them back then...maybe that's because I see so much suffering right now. I can't think of what it might have been like back then. I only know what I see.
And if we ever needed "God with us," it is right now. So let it be, Lord. Let it be that the Christ Child comes to us and fills that deep empty well in our hearts with living water. Let Him fill us so much that it pours out and spills everywhere we stand or walk, leaving footprints of grace and mercy in our wake. Let it wet down the people we encounter through their hands and hearts and heads.
I brought Holy Communion to many people this week. And they brought Holy Communion to me. A man lying on his back and afraid...by the third day, his face was calmer, he was sitting up and smiling. Still possible bad news loomed in his future, but he was ready...more ready anyway.
Another person told me he had bought his family 'plot' preparing for the what might happen. I marveled at God's grace. He had the courage to say it out loud. Another step, another drink of water.
A mother's love and a daughter's love. Getting used to the new place. Would you like communion, too? I asked. Oh, but I didn't make it to Mass last Sunday. Why? I asked. "I was settling my mother in here. I could have gone, but I was exhausted." I explained my understanding of what it means to miss Mass on Sunday. She cried and received with her mother. And her tears poured over my heart and drew me closer to God.
Another visit, a woman asked me, "Do you believe there is a heaven?" She didn't want to ask a priest, because she thought the priest might judge her on her faith. I get that. I recall during an intense conversation with a Methodist minister, I remarked, "You mean I can ask that [question] and not go to hell for asking it?" And that opened wide my door for prayer life that took on new and wonderful dimensions.
Two things: any priest worth his salt is not going to judge anyone else. Oh he might have a passing thought in his head, but he knows about the battle between doubt and faith and he should own that truth every time he enters into the sacred God space with another human being. That being said, God pointed out to me that I have a place in this Catholic Church that I love so much. I think some people find me a comfortable place in which to wonder about God and not feel judged. I can hear, when I am willing to hear, when I am allowed to hear...and I can walk along and help others see the good and bad and let God into both places.
Now here's the kicker: You can do it, too. In fact, I believe you are called to do it, too. Not one of us is worthy to walk next to Him, not one of us is worthy of His attention, not one of us deserves His Love...but if we want it, if we ask for it, He gives it to us and so very much more.
His awesome, mind-blowing love...and for me at least, I wonder how my heart can hold onto so much love...and then it dawns on me...I'm not supposed to hold onto it. I'm supposed to give it away.
My little boy, lying on fresh straw, born to be food for the whole world...do you know how much I cherish you? Do you know that now is the right time? How much you are needed? How much you fill my heart with good things? How all the empty places are full?
Thank you for my life.
Love, Cindy
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