Kind Words

This morning, I showed up at Starbucks just about the time they opened. I walked in and asked, "What's that burning smell?" To which one of the sweet baristas relied,"It's my burning love for you!" I smiled at him and told him he just made my day. And he did.
Last night, as it was very cold, I began missing having a man lie beside me and keep me warm. (Summer it was always, "Stay on your own side already!") But as I snuggled under the down quilt I finally remembered I had in the closet, I missed that kind of touch.
I think that was the hardest thing to adjust to after the divorce, the gentle pleasure of just being held. I'm told men don't get that. They think an embrace is foreplay or something. That's not true, men probably enjoy a bit of tenderness just as much as a woman.
But I am in a different place in my life now. I am learning how to loved and be loved in new and wonderfully satisfying ways. You think I'm crazy? Perhaps. Not everyone is wired for or even desires this. I don't know if I really am, either. But I have come to realize the truth of John of the Cross's words (paraphrased...summed up, whatever): "to have everything, one must desire nothing."

In a different place of my life, I needed so very much. I was so hungry for so much. I actually found myself competing for a man once (OK maybe twice)...that was a humiliating truth to own, but it helped me to realize that 'curse' on Eve: your desire will be for your husband. In an unjust relationship, that is a form of enslavement. Let me say that twice so it is not misunderstood: IN AN UNJUST RELATIONSHIP, that is enslavement. I am not talking about a just one.
It is the curse of being 15 perhaps. We absolutely must have a boyfriend! The world will end if he doesn't look at me in the hall. And then some really destructive things can happen too, to get the object of one's affections attention. Oh how very much we need to love our adolescents properly so they won't go looking for the wrong things!

But in this new life, I have somewhat detached myself of certain needs that get in the way of my ability to love and be present for whomever I meet during the day. I truly get to 'love the one I wtih' and never feel empty when he/she walks away. I am not hungry for a phone call, a reassurance of love...and that makes me a much better lover.

Let me assure you, I have not mastered this charism...can one really master a charism? But I know that, if I stay true to my prayer, my personal desires will not overshadow the good work of loving my neighbor. I'm a work in process. I will fall down many more times. But I get up a bit faster these days, and the wounds are not so big anymore. It is a good life and I am happy in it.

So the sweet comment from a friend (who is my daughter's age) is received with great joy. I thank him for it. I thank God for it. And I thank God for you, who bothers to read my ramblings.

Love, Cindy