From Seven Sacred Pauses on Facebook:
"Today is the dark New Moon, after which she begins to fill up again with light, starting tomorrow. This time of new beginnings, and, combined with the birth of the light of the sun (and length of the day) on December 21, both offer powerful celestial energy to renew, heal, and refresh your lives. Something to invite into your lives... ~ Velma"
I am constantly surprised and amazed at how God has blessed me. Broken me. Poor me. Flawed me. Proud me. Scared me. Confused me. He seems to love me anyway.
I have always felt like I have let God down.
I have been blessed with so many talents, but I have never used them enough for building up his Kingdom here on earth. I have hidden them, terrified of what might be expected of me if I was to share them, that I could not live up to what people thought I could do. And I never wanted to disappoint anyone. And that worry, I have discovered, is rooted in pride.
This summer, Fr. Jason suggested that I begin to pray the prayer of humility, which I have posted on Facebook perhaps in August. I began to pray that prayer in July. In the beginning, just the weight of the prayer almost did me in. And I do mean physical weight...of my sins, of which I was just becoming aware...I would pray the prayer three times. By the third earnest reading of it, I felt the need to lie down. It was just too hard to sit with the truth of my life. Always feeling inadequate and less than other 'normal' people, I discovered that at the root of it was pride. I did not want to look bad. I feared not being the best in the room.
(That's a real problem, I think, in parenting: We tell our children to do their best, and we put signs on the backs of our cars: honor student, quarterback, rah-rah-rah--and then we expect our kids to live up to ideal, our kids think they have to live up to that ideal and eventually everyone is disappointed) If you don't try, then you can't fail, right?
Nobody ever teaches us how to lose. Nobody ever shows us how to lose with grace.
I am thinking of that great poem by Carl Sandburg:
"We are the greatest city, the greatest nation! Nothing like us ever was!...
The woman named Tomorrow sits with a hairpin clenched tight in her teeth and turns and drawls, "My grandmother Yesterday is dead. Well, what of it? Let the dead be dead." Or something like that. (I can't seem to find the poem on line yet.)
It is about the sin of pride. We think we are so good. We think we are gods. I truly believe that if we hear God's word and say no to it, we are thinking we are gods, we are equal to God and we place ourselves in great danger of falling out of His Grace.
Saying Yes is no picnic though. Saying Yes implies the necessity of being humble. It says, "not my will but yours be done." At least I have always thought that meant letting go of something I think I want. But it can also mean taking on something I would rather not do.
Yesterday is a good example, for me, anyway. I wrote that morning about loving without strings. Or something like that. And then God called me on it. And I was pissed.(I know that is not a nice word...but I was not is a good place for some time yesterday) Then I realized I wasn't angry. I was hurt. And then I realized the consequences of being hurt. And I was convicted by my own words that I wrote in the morning. How do I love perfectly and without strings?
I sat with my feelings in prayer last night, proclaimed my lament, dropped open my Bible and it was Proverbs: Do not waste words on a fool. And I had to pray about what that really meant and not take it on just the surface value. I thought I understood what God required of me, but maybe I didn't, for the immediate desolation hurt so much and I felt lost and afraid. But not discouraged.
The desolation made me stronger. In the desolation, my Sweet Lord healed me. I was not to question Him any longer about it. What I needed would be provided. I did not have to worry. Like Jacob, I told the angel: I will not let go until you bless me. What arrogance, I thought. I have never 'demanded' anything from God before. It felt odd.
Yet, I was blessed. I arose from my prayer and the pain wan gone. And then I went to hug my sweet Lord and I felt our hearts joining together. Mine melted into His and the joy that embrace was, for me, another tiny glimpse of heaven. No words can describe it well. I can only say "it was good."
Today is the new moon. It is also my birthday. I went on my first cruise a year ago and I learned in the Mayan calendar that 52 years is a complete cycle. So at 53, I am one year old today. One year old in my new life. I can say without question, I am not the woman I was a year ago. Soon I will make my New Year's resolution. I pray that God will fill me with new light. I will take a new risk and see what God might show me through it. It may mean becoming less, but it will also mean becoming more. Fr. Henry brought the first light to me this morning during Mass. I am grateful for his blessing and for the kindnesses of so many others.
I offer these words to encourage you in your prayer life. Be bold with God, but always in humility, as you are able. Take it all to Him in prayer...and stay still long enough to get your answer. You will not be disappointed.
Love always in Christ,
Cindy
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