Woke too early this morning. Something told me to wake up...or someone. The phone rang, I knew God was being kind and giving me just a little bit gentler rousing. Hospital call. We need you in ER. Now. Ill be there in 20 minutes. Can you hurry, she may not last that long. I should have just gone as soon as I woke up. I just knew before I was told.
Not going to look now, but the is a Scripture verse that says, It is not me who lives, but Christ who lives in me. Not really certain what to say about that right now, other than, I think if I am "doing it right," people should not really see me anymore. I am just the shadow and the light that might shine is not my light but His...or hers...Mary, I mean. If I'm doing it right, I am not there anymore. I'm simply along for the ride. I can't even begin to tell you what or how I feel these days. There are no words. I still walk, I still talk, but I truly feel something bigger and better is going on inside me, or through me, or whatever. God's carrying me to someplace new...I think to a place where I can do good work for Him. I hope I can do good work for Him. It is my only desire.
It feels so strange. And it feels so peaceful.
I deleted my little argument against suicide. Thought I was being too dark for the holidays. But, the truth is, that is when the devil (if you can buy into that, call it a dark force. It is a dark force, without question) talks us into giving up, surrendering to despair. For the spiritually strong, we can see the exposure of our weaknesses as grace, a change to grow spiritually stronger. (I've been listening to Frances de Sales on a Devout Life the last 24 hours) We should try to celebrate our challenges as a chance to grow closer to God.
For the spiritually weak, though, this time of year...well, we must force ourselves to rely on the kindness of others, to gird us up and help us remember we matter to God. Even just a smile can turn a person away from despair, but I think you've actually got to breathe a least one full breath with your friend or a stranger before you dismiss him/her. If you can't do it naturally, pretend like you care, then want to care and trust God to make you care. I mean take the time. Listen, really listen. We all need His love. All the time.
This morning, I don't know if the woman lived. I have a strong inner feeling that she did not. The baby is struggling to survive. The husband is distraught. I prayed in an operating room today, I whispered words into her ear. I hope they were not my words, but God's words. Oh please, God let that be so.
I came out and found the husband's pastor sitting with him. Another woman. We women, we stay, even when it gets messy. Especially when it gets messy. But this time, it was a woman I knew. And there was a little baggage. Why would God bring this today? What am I supposed to learn from it? I don't know yet. But I am completely convinced that if we are living out a life of prayer, nothing is left to chance. God is present in every event, refining us, teaching us and loving us.
I left the hospital knowing the family was in good hands. Surprise, I find myself going to church. Gotta pray through every encounter God places before me. That's how it works for me. Give it over to God before it gets to me. Three candles, father, mother and baby. Mary will know what to do. She'll tell her Son.
Mass was a gift. Mass is always a gift. My priest spoke about devotion to Mary. I'm just learning what that means. Only he says that some of the seminarians wear a chain around their wrist to proclaim there devotion to Mary. Oh. So maybe that's why I bought the James Avery bracelet of roses some ten years ago. I gave it to my daughter to wear in her wedding. When I fainted in August, the Icthus bracelet broke off my wrist, beyond repair. The ACTS bracelet was in pieces on the floor.But my Mary bracelet was undamaged and still attached to me. If only God was more clear sometimes, and I knew better exactly what he wants from me.
I can hear Him now in my head: "Cindy, I have been very clear...every time we speak...it is you who choose not to hear me." Argh!
Off to St Joseph's Home in Oak Cliff to help with Bingo. All those nuns about. How much I wanted to hold them and have them hold me. The residents were a delight and oh so human! We went to Mass together after Bingo. Another great blessing.
Then lunch at La Calle Doce. Superb Mexican food. Five women. They want to hear my story. I don't want to tell it. It is easier to write. Then I know I'm not really boring anyone with it. And if I don't tell it exactly right, it all sounds so sad. But really, I've had a very good life. You just have to get to place where you can count it all as joy.
You can count it all joy when you die to yourself. I get that now. I wish I could have gotten it at age 20, when I might have been more useful to God for a longer time, but as it is, better late than never.
And I have so many mistakes to share. So many weaknesses. So many wrong turns. The fact that I have made it to here is a true testimony that God doesn't give up on anyone. He waits. He walks so close to us that if we turn our face so gently left or right, we can feel his breath upon us. We can feel him taking our hand and offering compassion and life.
It is no longer me but Christ who lives in me. I could say more here, but I think I should go slowly. It is so hard to hold back. God has been good to me. God has received me exactly as I am...and is transforming me into something much better.
And Mary, well, I'll continue to ponder her in my heart until I can find the right way to share what I am learning there. I can't tell you about Mary. This is all so new to me...and healing for me. The feminine connection to God. Her heart. Her love. Very, very new.
God is so very good. If this makes no sense at all, it is because I am still at the beginning stages of very good things.
Love, Cindy
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